Right now our family is facing a very sad situation. My mother is transitioning into the next stage of dementia. She is moving from mild/moderate into moderate/severe dementia. During this transition phase she is very agitated, crying that we don't love her and that she wants to kill herself. When we visited yesterday my brother had to leave the room he was so upset, but I stayed and talked with her for a while longer. I "prided" myself that I was able to take it better than my brother but the proof is in the pudding. Both yesterday and today I ate like there is no tomorrow. I guess I am not taking it better than my brother... I would have done better to leave the room.
So today I wanted to go to the pool, but I didn't want to go to the pool. I told myself that I would only go into the hot tub to stretch, then if I felt like doing anything else I would. So I did my stretches for 20 minutes, then went swimming, then decided I needed some pure fun so I got on an inner tube and just floated around the lazy river for a while. Then back in the hot tub for a last 5 minutes of relaxing. A nice long hot shower topped it off.
I get out of the gym and I'm so hungry! I hadn't brought lunch because we were without power for about 36 hours, and my fridge was empty. So, I went to Shaw's Supermarket and made myself a salad. I knew I was in trouble when I added the croutons. Then I went over to the hot food bar and got two slices of pizza and onion rings... oh and a bag of chips. before I got back to the office I had one slice of pizza and the onion rings. Back in the office I had the second slice of pizza. When I got home I had the bag of chips. Oh the salad? Haven't touched it.
So why am I writing this? Twofold - first, I need to see it myself. I need to acknowledge that I did this today, and ask myself WHY am I doing this? Well, I know why I am doing this - but the question is why isn't my drive to get better by taking weight off my knees more important than turning to food, when the food provides no solace whatsoever? It's not even the food that takes my mind off my "lost" mother and my helplessness - it's that when I am busy beating myself up and hating myself for eating so stupidly, I don't have room in my thoughts for anything else. The second reason I am writing this is that I have received a lot of comments about this blog (not just the comments that are posted for everyone to see - and by the way, I thank you ALL for doing so) - and you are all complimenting my upbeat attitude and my willingness to do whatever it takes to have a good recovery. I feel like a fraud when I look back to my onion rings and pizza (and all the other eating I have done that has kept me playing with the same 5 pounds for three months instead of taking anything off permanently) and I need to come clean. I am NOT doing what it takes to have a speedy recovery.
I have to keep repeating the serenity prayer that I wrote about yesterday. I can't change what is happening to my mother, but I can change the path my recovery takes. The change starts with me and my food choices. I declare this minute that I will not confuse what I cannot control with what I can control. My mother, as I know her, may be lost to me and I have no control over that, but my recovery can only be lost to me if *I* allow it to happen. Again, serenity now.................
Miriam
Please don't beat yourself up...You are human you love your Mom...your daughter threw you for a loop and you went thru a hurricane and no power...and you are still healing. Thats a lot and we have all been there....
ReplyDeleteHon, you are a wonderful person and a great daughter. You have had your mom to take care of you and guide you; be a grandmother to your kids. You have been there to take care of her in her time of need and then some. Dementia is horrible and robs both the person of their being and the family of their loved one.
ReplyDeleteContinue to do the best you can for mom. She may recognize you sometime and eventually she won't. That is when your strength and family support kick in.
You are so right that eating will not take away the pain of watching this happen to mom. In my family food always was around for comfort....weddings, births, deaths. I know you are strong and like most of us will need to find a new outlet for the grief and frustration of what is happening. Don't beat yourself up....mom, in her heart and where she really resides, knows you are doing your best. Take that and hold it close to your heart.
you are a great wife, mother, daughter.....don't forget that.
Miriam you said, "when I am busy beating myself up and hating myself for eating so stupidly, I don't have room in my thoughts for anything else." There lies a key. I've done that for years and still do that but you can slowly change those thoughts to "start over, start over, and start over" For me, over time, I've come a long way in my "thoughts" so will you baby!! And today... you've got a salad! ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteMiriam - you are not a fraud! You have put it out there for all of us to see. You are human! And thank goodness for that as I wouldn't read here if you weren't! You will get a handle on things when you are ready too. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteWe are such kindred spirits. Sometimes I feel like I am reading my own blog! My dad had Alzheimer's, and it is a very cruel disease. I am sorry for the sad times you are experiencing. Sometimes you just have to look for the humor to keep from crying. I don't remember eating, but I do remember crying my eyes out when I left him. I'm sure I ate, too, because I am a comfort eater. But I really laughed when I read about your eating escapade. Been there, done that--probably for things less significant. You just have to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and make better choices next time. Some days for me it is after every eating episode! We will eventually get it because we are trying. Most of the time I make better choices than I did a year ago. Keep looking for those small advances like you are doing with your knee progress.
ReplyDeleteAlso, what kind of work environment has a lazy river at their pool? That is too cool.
ReplyDeleteI work at a university that has a great Fitness and Recreation center! When I listed my blessings the other day I should have mentioned (if I didn't) that I am so blessed to have inexpensive access to it. Sometimes all I need to do is float around on a tube in the river for my lunch hour, and the whole rest of the day brightens! :)
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