Singing the Blues

I just discovered a new (but very old) blog that  I want to share with you: http://greattkr.blogspot.com.  He had his TKR in September 2004, so I checked in on January 2005, which is 4 months post-op which is about where I am now.  I know I have friends following me, but if you are in the middle of a TKR recovery you might want to follow his blog as well as mine.

So - what brought me to that blog?  (I've been there before but this time I bookmarked it.)  I was googling "Depression and TKR" as I have been having such blue days.  Maybe part of it is I am missing my family (my husband's father, by the way, went home today and is having a fabulous recovery - everyone sounded happy all around), still stressed over my mother's situation (even though she is in a great place, Alzheimer's still is no picnic for the family), and in general so discouraged over my limitations, most notably the swelling and discomfort when (or following) walking, or the stiffness when I get up in the morning.  No pain, mind you - so where's the happy dance?

I have just so neglected myself this week.  I know that walking, stretching, swimming, hot-tub use, etc., makes me feel SO much better, but when I'm so down I can't get myself to do anything.  This is just not one of my chipper days, let's say....  It's Friday and the end to a long week.  I have so much to do this last weekend with the house to myself, I'll keep myself busy enough so that I don't wallow in whatever mud I seem to be wallowing in...

Having re-read this previous paragraph I was thinking of all the GREAT things I did for myself this week: I went walking a few times, bought myself an AM/PM stretch DVD for days I need a land stretch, got a really cute haircut yesterday, and went bra shopping at Intimacy with my sister-in-law, getting a new wardrobe of bras, followed by a really nice lunch on Newbury Street.  I've been sleeping late, going to bed early, and eating well.  Oh my gosh... what IS my problem?   

I think this whole depression/feeling blue "thing" is a very real syndrome of TKR recovery from what I'm gathering (and so am writing about it to warn those of you that are heading down this road).  It stems from the disappointment that sets in 4-5 months out from recovery when things just aren't going as smoothly and swiftly as you have dreamed about. (My heart goes out to the people who are still struggling after a year!) I know that my 4-month situation is more like other people's 8 or more-month situation so it's not so much that I am belly-aching.  I just wish I could get up from a chair and just go - I still have to stand for a split second before my brain gets my body in gear.  I wish I could finish a walk without my knee swelling up and getting hot.  I wish I didn't still feel like I was going to fall when I walk up or down an incline.  I wish ... I wish... I wish...

I'm feeling that I probably hit 75% of my recovery in these first four months.  The remaining 25% will take the next 8 months.  I actually had to laugh when I realized that according to the calendar I'm only 4 months + 1 week from surgery  - even less if we start counting from the manipulation.  Not long at all...  I just need more practice in putting things into perspective...

Okay -now that I've depressed you all, I'm feeling better. :)

Off to clean....
Miriam

Identity Crisis

Who am I?  Am I a walker or a swimmer?  Am I a hot-tub stretcher or a land stretcher?  Do I really enjoy what I am doing or am I just looking for the easier way?  I think my bottom line is that I don't really want to do anything, and nothing is easy.  I want to feel great, just by wishing it so....  I almost want to ask "What is the lesser of all the evils?" but that gives exercise a bad rap - it's not really evil... it's all in the eye of the beholder.

So what's up with this beholder today?  I woke up with a crick in my neck and an aching back, and dreamed all morning of stretching in the hot tub.  Then 11AM rolls around and I'm thinking - but I just did my hair last night - I don't want to have to shower and do my hair this afternoon.  Then I start surfing about hot tubs (thinking wouldn't it be nice to have one on my deck) and came across literature about getting respiratory infections from breathing the vapor of indoor hot tubs.  Wow - I had better not go to the gym today...   (Of course, where I go is super-duper clean and sanitized... but we are talking about the air here...)

But I'm SO stiff so I half-heartedly started doing my stretches in the office -- maybe just to prove to myself that I know how to do them... not necessarily prove that I will do them.  But the clock is ticking and I know I have to do SOMETHING to move my body today.  So I went for my mile walk - I am happy to report that I did it without stopping and resting, and did it in close to a 1/2 hour.  (This brings it to a sad starting point of a 2MPH walk - but I have to take into account where I'm coming from (0MPH walking!) and not where I used to be long long ago - 5MPH walks without breaking a sweat). 

Okay so while I'm walking I'm thinking.  I really do LOVE to walk.  Always has been my most favorite form of exercise - ever.  Then I thought over Sandy's blog (http://washdryandfold.blogspot.com) where she wrote about getting a new bike and finding that A does NOT equal B, meaning that riding outside on a real bike does not even resemble riding indoors on a recumbent bike.  So I'm thinking that if I really want to get back to walking I need to walk outdoors - treadmill and indoor clay-track walking is NOT the same.  It might work for cardio, but they really don't work your body the way outdoor walking does.  I love swimming but it's the same thing - it does not translate to the same fitness that walking does (in my opinion - I have nothing to back this up).  I took it up primarily because it was the only thing left to me before my surgery - I was in so much pain with anything else.  But, if for walking, all I have to do is put on a pair of sneaks and head out the door isn't that so much easier than changing for the pool, getting all wet, then needing another 1/2 hour (at least) before I'm ready to go back to work again?  Okay so walking wins in the EASY category.  The hard part is just DOING it.

But I'm really torn on the hot tub.  It's the same level of difficulty as swimming (the changing, showering, dressing, etc.) but it brings, for me, better results than land stretching.  However, I think that's because I LIKE the hot tub so it's more "fun" to do my stretching in it.  But if I'm going to walk and not swim - what is the point to get wet for just 20 minutes and have all the hassle?

I think it's just like picking a diet.  (And, God help me - I'm back to counting calories... but it's quite an eye opener - I'm using http://www.myfitnesspal.com - and it tracks nutrients as well as calories - there are 530mg in ONE tablespoon of my vinegar and 520mg in two wedges of lite Laughing Cow cheese...a snack bag of Lite Cape Cod chips has only 80!)  You just have to pick one and make up your mind to do it and see it through. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with changing things up but I would like to stick to something long enough to give it a fair try.  Bouncing around (diets or exercise) to find the easiest, least "painful" is going to get me no where.

Here's to walking, land stretching, and calorie counting.... THIS week anyway!

Miriam

What a week's life throws at you

So I almost posted on Monday a blog with the title "The Natives are Restless" saying that it was a bright sunny day and when I got on the Mass Pike East to go to work I was craving going West instead, just to have a drive and go no where in particular; that being cooped up all summer was getting the best of me and I needed to travel.

Well... omg... we got a call in the middle of the night (Tuesday 2AM) from Lebanon to say that my husband's father was in surgery for a brain bleed/stroke and they didn't know if he was going to make it.  My husband and I stayed up the rest of the night and at about 5AM left the house to make a round trip to NYC to get his passport renewed at the Lebanese Consulate.  Talk about going WEST on the Mass Pike...  I threw together some snacks (I popped three mini-bags of popcorn, packed fruit, soda, and threw in a wedge of fritatta that I had made for Sunday's breakfast) and off we went.  Let's just say it was not a good day for an excursion - President Obama was at the UN, which meant not only was traffic and parking worse than usual, but His Majesty, the Lebanese Consul was at the UN and there was no one to sign off on a passport.  After much heated debate and argument about whether the Lebanese government should shut down because of the President's visit, my husband got someone to sign off on a 1-day pass to enter the country with the proviso that he would get a passport there within 24 hours of landing...

We made the round-trip - in the rain - and were home by about 4PM.  That took care of my restlessness - I had forgotten how much I hate going West (maybe not West in general, but going through NYC traffic... OUCH).  THEN on the way home I had to make reservations for my husband and son to fly out to Lebanon the next day.  Wednesday morning I got up and realized the suitcases we had, had seen better days so off I was luggage shopping... then to the bank - TWICE... then to TJMaxx and Marshalls and CVS for last minute things they needed... then to the cleaners... you get the picture.  By the time I saw the two of them off my right knee was swollen 4" bigger than the left knee.  It's STILL swollen. 

Part of it was the length of time in the car and the in-and-out of it.  We were careful to try to stop every 1 1/2 hours so I could get out and walk, but a few times it wasn't possible because of the traffic and the rain.  Then the next day - with so many errands to run I added to the problem.  But it wasn't just the in and out of errands, it was the force of walking so fast to get where I had to go.  It would have almost been back to normal in that regard, if the swelling didn't take over.

I almost cried this morning.  As I got out of my car at work and had to hobble into the office.  My knee hadn't felt this bad ... well... since surgery...  And tomorrow my belly dance classes start.  LAST Friday at this time I was all ready for them and not worried at all.  Today is a different story.  I'm not worried in the sense that I am going to hurt myself and do any damage... I'm just upset that I'm not feeling my best.  My students are very accepting of my situation and will let me "direct traffic" rather than do all the dance steps at the head of the class.  I even have enlisted some of my advanced students to help with the beginners in case I am not able to show them what I need to.

Boy - when it rains it pours...  but at least the native is no longer restless.

Miriam

a REAL lazy Sunday

I have a very bad cold today and have felt like doing absolutely nothing.  My knee is so tight that I promised myself I will at least do my stair lunges and a bit of the bike before the day is over.  Even though it's not likely to happen I have this fear in my mind that if I skip my "stuff" for more than a day all of a sudden it's all going to snap back to my ROM (range of motion) that I had before my manipulation.  I know logically that I probably won't even lose a degree - except from stiffness but that won't be a true loss of degree - but I still can't shake the fear.

I remember a couple of months ago when my therapist wrote across my exercise sheet "CONQUER THE FEAR."  She was talking about the fear of doing something because of pain, but now I am suffering a different fear.  Maybe it comes from being discharged from physical therapy and being on my own. The fear is that I won't progress and that I will go backwards.  I know that it can happen with people who do not faithfully do their exercises and stretches at the very beginning of recovery, and that now missing a day or two because of a cold is not going to send me back to week 5 of my recovery... it's irrational, I know. 

It's just so daunting.  When I had my rotator cuff surgery, once I was done with PT I was done.  I didn't slip back because I didn't do specific exercises and stretches.  I actually did NOTHING once I finished PT and now I would never even know anything was wrong with my shoulder.  But I don't think the knee is going to be like that.  I think I will always have to be vigilant.  And that scares me.  I'm not a particularly vigilant person or I wouldn't have been in this predicament in the first place.

I know my weight had a lot to do with my arthritis, as well as my lack of dedicated exercise that would have strengthened the muscles that would have aided the knee in doing its work.  Even thin people who exercise have osteoarthritis, and bone-on-bone, so I can't totally beat myself up for my condition.  I'm just saying that as active as I am trying to be (and than you all for your kudos on that) it's still not natural and not something I enjoy more than sitting in my recliner and watching TV.

Oh boy... is this a pity-party day or what?  I know it's because I'm feeling under the weather.  But with my defenses down, I speak the truth....  I only hope the weather this week is bright and sunny because I sure don't need any extra aches and pains... lol

Miriam

A New Exercise Challenge

My physical therapist gave me the okay to do the nautilus weights but even though I asked, I'm not sure I want to take those on (at least for my legs).  I know too many people with knee replacements who have forever doomed their recovery because they did weights - it might just be because they did them too soon.  But, in any case, I will wait until November when I see my doctor.  However, I was looking for something new.

Today when I was in the pool I noticed a woman swimming against the current in the lazy river.  OMG - I can barely WALK against the current.  So anyway, I gave it a try.  It's like one of those "Endless Pool" commercials where you swim for hours and don't go anywhere.  I managed once around, with manual help getting around the corners.  I was so out of breath from the one lap I thought I would faint.  I didn't dare try another one because I didn't know what stress it would cause my knee.  But - I'm smitten - lol.  When I go to the pool I am going to add one lap against the current, and add as I am able to.

The other reason I didn't push it too much today is that I am mildly uncomfortable.  We have pending rain and I am sure that is it, as much as anything physical that I might have done to overwork my knee.  The therapist said this is one of the things that will probably always be with me.  Before my replacement my knees ached when it was going to rain, but I was hoping I was done for with the new knee.  I'm not sure it's the knee itself that aches (it's only metal and plastic) - it is probably the muscle, nerves and skeleton surrounding it.  I got out of the gym and I was grabbing onto anything until I got to my car.  I looked up at the handicap ramp into my building and I might as well have been looking up Mt. Everest.  Everyone has good and bad days - it just seems that mine are either REALLY good (like yesterday - I walked that mile without needing to rest!) or REALLY bad - although I hate to use the word bad... more like uncomfortable and daunting.

I have been faithfully on WW Points Plus since Saturday.  I had been counting calories but while doing so I also added up the PP against the calories and found that day in and day out I was eating exactly 29 PP - so I figured might as well.  I have an on-line membership until October 9th so I've been using it to track and find recipes.  I have also been sugar free, and processed white flour free, as was my original plan.  So, all in all, it's been a successful week, so far.

In terms of exercise, I think twice a week at the pool is plenty (Tuesday and Thursday) and then I will walk M-W-F, and next Saturday my belly dance classes start - I am on my feet for 2 1/2 hours straight with those, so that's enough exercise for the day (and we always start with a really good stretch).  Gee.... do you think I can take Sunday off??????

Miriam

It's in the cards

Today I was looking on the Weight Watchers website and there is a four-page spread on Disney World AND fantastic links that I wish I had when I was there last time (including the bus schedule from Downtown Disney to Seaworld).

One of the big things was the amount that you walk while at Disney:

1	Walk. The average guest logs 5 to 6 miles a day — probably without even realizing it! Check this chart for the typical distance between popular areas.

Path (Point A to B)	Distance (miles)
BoardWalk Resort in Epcot area to Disney’s Hollywood Studios	0.9*
Around Barefoot Bay at Caribbean Beach Resort in Epcot area	1.4
Magic Kingdom entrance to Space Mountain	0.5
Animal Kingdom entrance to Safari	0.9
Around World Showcase Lagoon (Epcot international pavilions that surround the water, including Canada, United Kingdom, France, Morocco, Japan, The American Adventure, Italy, Germany, China, Norway and Mexico)	1.2

So this is right in keeping with my goals to be able to walk three miles.  I swear the day I walk 3 miles I am booking my trip - even if it overlaps with my daughter's wedding!

This morning I did the hot tub and pool before work.  It was so great to get it out of the way - but it still took me over an hour to get into the city - even at the early hour.  I was glad to have it off my plate because then I was able to visit my mother at lunch.  She is the happiest I've seen her.  She was moved to an Alzheimer's unit on Monday.  My brother, sister-in-law and I went in on Sunday to bring her personal items and to hang pictures and to make it homey.  She said she likes her new "apartment" (it is the identical room/bed that she had before but on a different floor). They have activities like clipping coupons and making shopping lists so she will be right in her element.  They also adjusted her medication so she is no hallucinating about her car in the garage or the baby carriages in the room next door.  I hope that from here, even though her condition is deteriorating, that it only gets better....

My knee has been "zinging" like crazy - I think the nerves are growing back.  There's a spot where the doctor peels back the skin to do the surgery and it can either stay numb forever, or "zing" like it is doing today - which is a GOOD thing.  I think it was all my walking yesterday, and my swimming this morning that is doing it. I must be bringing in good circulation by doing all that movement.

All good.

Miriam

Training for Disney

The Princess half-marathon you ask?  I wish!  I actually wanted to do that about two years before my knee replacement and my doctor said that if I attempted it they would have to bring me back in a wheel chair and schedule surgery for BOTH knees.

I went for my first full 1-mile walk this afternoon.  Took well over an hour with all the stops I had to make to sit down and rest my body.  I put it that way because in a cardio sense, I was crawling like a snail so there was no exertion, but my body was killing me - my quads, glutes, knees, back - everything.  While I was walking I said I have been having this all wrong in terms of going to Disney.

First let me say, that Disney is my most favorite place to visit, and I have no argument against it calling itself "The Happiest Place on Earth."  I have been to Europe, the Middle East, and many many US states - including Hawaii which is absolutely gorgeous, and Canada, and I'm sorry, friends - but there is NO where else I would rather be than Walt Disney World.  So - that being said, let me just say that I am practically pining away with thoughts of going.  I had to cancel a trip at Christmas, 2009 because I had just had rotator-cuff surgery on December 1st, and the trip was scheduled for the 13th.  Then now my knee surgery.

I was thinking - oh when I lose weight that will be my reward.  When I am back from my daughter's wedding (in Italy, no less) then I will save money and vacation time for my trip to Disney, etc.  Well boy, did I have an eye-opener today about 1/4 way into my walk.

It has nothing to do with money, time off, rewards, etc.  It has to do with - can I walk three miles without having to stop and call the paramedics?  Granted, last time I went I used the old-lady scooter around Epcot and it made a HUGE difference in how I enjoyed that park, but the other parks (Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom) are not conducive to those scooters.  As it is, I got dirty looks when using the scooter in Epcot - and those "roadways/streets" are as wide as 2-3 lane roads!  With the tightness of the other parks I couldn't see myself scootering around.

So - call it a reward if you will, for all the hard work it is going to take, but the issue isn't money saved or weight lost.  It's can I walk?  Can I endure a day on my feet without pain and the ensuing whimpering?  I just wouldn't enjoy myself - no matter HOW happy WDW is, if I was in any fraction of the discomfort I was in just with this one mile today.

I know it has to get better (well... only if I keep it up).  So I am now officially in training for a trip to Disney.  It won't hurt, either, that my daughter's wedding is in September of next year and it will be nice to be in shape for that too! :)

Miriam

Good Saturday afternoon

I've had a couple of tough days with BOTH knees.  First of all, on Wednesday night I had to take out the ice and ice before bed - which I haven't done in ages.  The knee remained swollen on Thursday.  When I went to physical therapy I was telling her that I can't imagine what I did to it - and her answer was "Do you know how rainy it's been?"  So I guess even with a new joint I'm going to be sensitive to changes in the weather (which they told me months ago but didn't know I would have the swelling too!) for a long while.

My husband came to PT and learned how to do the stretch outs for my quads.  He learned two different ones that work on different areas - something I cannot do on or to myself.  I'm so grateful that his attentiveness to my needs has continued way beyond the acute recovery stage.  I am very lucky! 

The other reason I think my knees are bothering me is that I have been thinking for a long time that I am sensitive to sugar and that it is an inflammatory in my body that affects all my joints, but particularly my knees.  The connection was made this week because after the funeral I went to my cousin's house and of course there was a huge spread of every pastry, cake, and cookie imaginable.  I ate them.  Then a day later I went back to her house - to face the same spread but all new things.  I ate them.  I really OD'd on sugar which I haven't done in a long time.  It's also been a long time since BOTH knees hurt so much.  (Okay some of it could have been the rain, but I know the sugar played some part. 

In my healthier way of eating (all of about five days not including the sugar OD) I have been feeling much better sticking mostly to fruits, legumes and vegetables.  So, I'm trying to pay more attention to what I'm eating - not just how much.  I know from being a career dieter that processed sugars and flours (read: candies, cookies, cakes, pastries, etc.) send me in a downward spiral.  I am one of those people who CANNOT have just a bite, or eat in moderation.  I have always been most successful when I have cut these foods out of my eating plans.  Now that I see that it also affects the pain level in my knees, it's all the more reason to pay attention.

Back to the knees, got the confirmation that the knee will be tight and somewhat swollen for a LONG time to come... that's why they give it a year before you can say you are really yourself.  I also learned a new way to walk - the worst of it has been my fear that I am going to fall because my knee still "buckles."  The therapist demonstrated the difference between leading with your head (and maybe looking down), and leading with your chest.  I changed my posture several times, paid very close attention to my knees, and could absolutely feel a difference in them.  It's this difference that causes the buckling, and if I am very conscious of walking upright I should greatly reduce any chance of buckling and falling. 

Going over later today to decorate my mom's new room in the Alzheimer's unit (they are moving her in on Monday).  With the new resolve to just stay sugar free and no other "rules" than that, I should ward off a lot of damage that I usually do with emotional eating.  After all... pizza crust has  sugar (never mind the flour!) and so does the sauce! And even fast food fries are brushed with dextrose when they come from the warehouse.  The breading on onion rings has flour AND sugar...  lol... I could go on...

Have a good weekend.

Miriam 

Still mighty chilly

You know the H-E-D-H-S freezing over from the post prior to this one?  I was going to work this morning with the intention of using the aquatics center before work.  I started out running early, but landed up running late because of a HUGE "NSV" - it is trash day and no one remembered to take things out last night.  So before going to work *I* brought out all the recycling from the house to the recycling crate outside and brought it to the curb.  Then I went upstairs into the house and brought out the trash to the trash can and brought that to the curb. Then I went upstairs AGAIN and brought out all my stuff for work.  I had to laugh because it was the first time I'd had trash duty since before my surgery!  I suppose.... a YIPPEE is in order.

Okay so I'm running late but my body is craving my stretches in the hot tub.  All the way in I'm trying to talk myself out of this because I will have less than even 45 minutes to use the water because not only am I running late, but because of the later time, the traffic is worse.  I'm running everything through my head over and over.  I finally decided that no matter how the day unfolds I need to do my stretches.  I also know that I will not do them on land.  I tell myself that if I only use the hot tub and don't swim then I can shower from the neck down and not have to do my hair (a plus) but I will miss my favorite swimming time (a negative).  I'm arguing with myself for at least 2 miles.  My car automatically turns itself onto the street where I need to park - I don't know how it did that, but it did, and I found myself in the only open space in front of the door.

I go in and am totally in bliss as a lower myself into the hot tub.  It took me a full half-hour to stretch, leaving me five minutes before the aquatics area closes.  They blew the whistle to give the five minute warning and I took what I could get and went into the pool for a nice cool down (with no swimming). 

As it turns out I had a lunch-time staff meeting that I had forgotten about, so it is so perfect that I went this morning when I did.  I think I really am going to make a commitment to go in the mornings instead of at lunch (because I also need my lunch hour free in order to visit my mother when I can).  I am also going to make sure that the trash and recycling are brought to the curb the night before pickup!

Food-wise, I have been enjoying lighter eating.  I had my usual laughing cow cheese with cucumber slices on Wasa crackers and a coffee for breakfast.  For lunch I had tuna and light mayo, a LOVELY salad, and fruit salad for lunch.  On the way home I was so hungry but talked myself into waiting until I got home to eat (no easy feat since I had to make one stop to get a headlight replaced, and a second stop to get a tire replaced).  I made turkey meatballs with light and chunky spaghetti sauce, over whole wheat pasta.  I'm due another fruit before the day is out, and if I really "need" it I will make some hot air popcorn.

So, all in all, a good healthy day!

Miriam

REALLY new knee new me!

Okay so - H-E-double hockey sticks has finally frozen over.  I got into the car and on my day OFF, I drove the entire commute to where I work (an hour each way - even without traffic!) to go to the gym.  The whole weekend I was longing for the hot tub and the pool.  But not just to be in them - I was DYING to do my stretches and swim and feel good (and drink my water - which is SO easy when I'm sitting in the 104 degree hot tub).  I just don't feel like doing the stretches on land - they feel SO good in the hot water.  So I was 1/2 hour in the tub stretching, then swam 10 full laps (the most I've done since before surgery), and decompressed my knee for 3 minutes (that's just hanging in the deep water, letting your joints open up).  I could have swum much longer but I remember when I first went into the pool during my recovery and things felt so good I way over did it and paid the piper the next day.  My plan is to swim 10 laps this week, then increase by 2 laps every week until I am back to my mile of swimming (I can't remember how many laps - I have to look it up but I think it's about 30 or so). 

So not only has H-E-D-H-S (see above! lol) frozen over but I think I saw some pigs flying overhead several times today.  As I was sitting last night running food choices through my head last night (and again this morning) I felt such a great sadness mingled with HUGE confusion because - although my weight didn't waiver an ounce the entire three months I was sitting home with my tush glued to the recliner - I GAINED six pounds since starting officially dieting a few weeks ago (after immediately losing those same six pounds).  Dieting just drives me up a wall (and over and down the other side, through five fields, across the lake, and up and down 1/2 dozen more walls). 

I always felt that, since I am a career diet (mom dropped me off at a WW meeting when I was 16 years old to give THAT diet a try) I absolutely know what to eat and how much to eat.  Further, I have a fairly  healthy lifestyle (well, for where I am right now with my limited exercise) that it's just insane that I yo-yo and cycle through the same 10 pounds.  We don't eat processed foods, I barely have any junk in the house (*I* don't buy it but my husband might come home with cookies and chips), I know all about portion size, etc.  But - and especially with the stress I have been under lately - I eat beyond dinner, and I am susceptible to emotional eating (remember the pizza, onion ring and chips post a few back???) and I eat at night. - it might not even be junk just more of whatever I have eaten during the day. 

So I feel I've had a big turn-around with the help of two chat friends just today.  This turn around perfectly matches my turn around in terms of doing my exercises.  First of all, Jenn turned me on to the following site:
http://www.wheatfreemeatfree.com/.  I am not committed to be a vegetarian, but I have been thinking so much about it lately - especially since my most favorite recipes are vegetarian and I have naturally been weaning myself off red meat.  The site is so fantastic I immediately made the split pea soup and the red cabbage salad.  The second help was that I was talking to my chat friend Trish, and telling her my hardest time is at night, and she suggested that I actually have something ready for the evening.  So I dusted off my hot-air popcorn maker, and took out my container of organic kernels that had been hiding in the far recesses of my cabinet. 

I think that if I'm feeling better physically it will be easier to eat smart.  And, if I'm eating smart it will be easier to keep up with my exercises.  My other tactic is that I am going to try to have a substantial hot soup ready (or at least available) so that's what I can have when I walk through the door from work. None of those clear broths - but something like I just made (split pea) or lentil or bean soup.  Better yet, if I could have dinner ready then I really have a chance... Also, in spite of having lunch just before going into the pool, I was ready for the after-pool hunger: I was armed with apples and diet Snapple! 

I think I might be getting a handle on this....:)

Miriam

The fog is clearing....

After scaring myself with that "driven" eating behavior I have been doing well the past couple of days.  I also have worked out some hunger triggers that, if I plan well enough, won't send me into a downward spiral.  For instance, I realized that I MUST have a snack before going to the gym and also have something ready in the car for afterward.  I also have to have something before leaving work and heading home.  And I also know that peanut butter and whole grains hold me well - so today before leaving work I am going to have Wasa bread crackers (a whole grain thick, hard "cracker") with freshly ground almond butter and a touch of Polaner's All Fruit.  I also have a bottle of water in the car that was frozen solid this morning, but should be the perfect temp this afternoon. 

I also tried a different tact with the gym.  Instead of going at my lunch hour (where I am so hungry before and after), I went before work right after breakfast.  It was PERFECT!  I also am in a nice routine now - I started with 20 minutes of serious stretching in the hot tub, then swam in the "big girl" pool, keeping up with the other swimmers in the lane (since surgery I had been doing my laps in the recreation pool which is short and shallow).  I was so stiff after my stretches in the tub (which really surprised me - I would think everything would be nice and loose - but I think what happened is that things got swollen) - but after the swim in the cool pool, things felt better.  I am just going to trust the process and not worry that I am doing something wrong - because I know I am not!

A little further contemplation about life today.  My aunt (my mother's almost 100-year-old) sister died in her sleep during the night.  We know it was coming, and I am glad she went peacefully, but between that loss and what is going on with my mother I figured I can take either of two roads:  (1) I can not take the best care of myself because... what the heck? it's all going to be coming to an end anyway.... OR (2) I can take the best care of myself and have every minute on this earth be as healthy as I can make it.  I think I'll pick #2, thank you.  Especially - I think of my mother who is in excellent health.  What would my life be like if, in addition to her Alzheimer's disease, she was also sick - needing a wheelchair, needing medication, being in pain, etc.  I don't want that for my children if I can help it.  I'm grateful that my mother took such good care of herself.  She cannot help what is happening to her mind, but at least she didn't burden herself or others with poor physical health.

So - it's stretches, swimming, walking, and healthy eating for me!  (And as clear a mind as possible!)  Thank you for your comments on my last blog - sometimes cyber-hugs feel as warm and caring as in-person ones.

Miriam