I am working with this right now. I urge you to "look inside" the book as offered by Amazon and read at least the introduction to see if anything resonates with you: The Don't Diet Live It Workbook.
I'm doing a lot of "work" (journaling, workbooks, reading, etc.) so my blogging will be scarce, but I wanted to come up for air and share this with you.
Miriam
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
Okay, so let me define MY binge
From Dictionary.com:
"a period or bout, usually brief, of excessive indulgence, as in eating, drinking alcoholic beverages, etc.; spree." I had to think about Babs' comment yesterday about how with WW we are allowed weekly points for "excessive indulgence" but I guess for me what a binge means is not how much food I've eaten (and whether I have calories or Points for it, or whether it was controlled and not "that much"), but rather, the behavior behind it. So maybe I need to say "I've had binge behavior." And even though it is controlled, whereas binges are conjured up to be wildly out of control, if I am eating something NOT in response to hunger, or the fact that it just tastes good, then it is what I would define- for me - as a binge.
And this is why I originally sought the help of a nutritionist-counselor. I wanted to get behind why I needed to continually dive into my extra points (using the 49 several times over) to the point that for every pound lost, I gained it back. And, except for very rare occasions where I could feel a "binge" coming on early in the day, these "sprees" always happened at night.
I think part of it is that sometimes I really was hungry - either from not eating enough during the day or from eating enough (in terms of Points or calories) but not eating the right foods (we all know a candy bar doesn't satiate as much as the same amount of calories in a steak!). And I don't find fault with that. I'm talking when hunger has nothing to do with it, or the social context (i.e., at a restaurant or a party) has nothing to do with it. But that it's pure emotion - the food is filling some sort of need.
What I find with IE is that we are encouraged to sit with our feelings until we either sort them through, resolve them, or have them come to a point where they are not so intense that they drive us to food. The problem I was having with dieting (and specifically with WW because of the extra weekly points allowed) is that I would eat if I had the Points available, masking the emotions - and then what did I do when, having not learned to sit with the emotions, when I didn't have any more Points available to me? Because I had no coping skills (other than eating to provide distraction) I would eat - and this is what I define as my binge.
So my definition of a binge (as controlled as it might be in terms of eating only 500 calories instead of 1500 calories) is eating to mask emotions. I would not necessarily define a binge as eating too much because it's there (restaurant, party, second helpings) - it's the running to the cabinets, refrigerator, or even going out to buy binge-y foods. It's eating outside a meal (although eating too much at a meal I wouldn't define as a binge). I'm not talking about outside a meal being "I'm in the mood for some ice cream, I think I'll have a bowl." I'm talking about outside a meal being "It's 10 o'clock, I'm bored, alone, anxious, OMG the only thing in the house that is "naughty" is that ice cream in the freezer - let me grab it while no one is looking and eat it - actually finish it (and I'll buy more tomorrow so no one knows it's missing) in about 5 minutes." That, to me, is a binge outside a meal. If I had my extra Points (or calories) to do it, then I would never get to the bottom of why I do it.
And that, is why I say IE is much more difficult than dieting. I could white knuckle staying within my Points or calories by sheer will (for a while) but then what? If I have learned nothing, then what do I do the next time when my defenses are down and my knuckles are aching?
Miriam
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Learning where the line is
Until I rebelled, my homework last week (if I wanted to) was to record my hunger/fullness scale throughout the day. I stopped doing that after a few days because I found I was never hungrier than a 3, and never was fuller than a 6 (8 is 2 bites too many and 9 and 10 are stuffed!). When I mentioned that to my counselor she said that I have to be careful not to set up another entire set of diet rules (never getting too hungry, never getting stuffed).
She talked about a lot of concepts that I really have to get my head around. I told her that I was not willing to gain weight (which sometimes happens as you enter the IE journey) by eating whenever whatever, and that I felt that if I stayed between a 3 and a 6 my body wouldn't let me eat too much. She said that food is to be enjoyed and we cannot deny the pleasure of it, so sometimes we do have what Dr. Phil calls "a party in your mouth." She said it's not the worst thing in the world, and if we are out at a restaurant, or having a very special meal or treat, sometimes we don't want to stop at "comfortable." And that's okay. I asked her how I wouldn't gain weight if I let myself get to the "one bite too many stage." She said that if I really really listen, my body will have me cut down (or cut out) at the next meal.
OMG NO! Another diet rule smashed to smithereens.... So if I eat too much at night I might not want breakfast, and that's okay. I find that when I talk to people who skip breakfast it's often because they eat so much at night. I wouldn't want to do this every night - but if it happens, and once in a while I skip breakfast, I am not going to whither away and bring my metabolism to a screeching halt.
But back to learning where the line is. I experimented tonight. I ate way more than was necessary (sort of bordering on a binge - which because of all my dieting I have redefined to mean 200-500 calories more than intended.... which is a great improvement over eating until I was sick). (And this is what I was talking about yesterday - CONTROL - even my binges have to be controlled.) But for me a binge isn't just about the amount of food, it's the crazed emotion behind it. Well anyway - binge or not I ate too much.
The difference tonight is that I am not feeling guilty about it (which would lead me to eat more and probably binge all weekend until Monday morning - if I was lucky to stop at Monday morning and not the first day of the next month). Marci said to aim to eat reasonably most of the time - not necessarily all of the time. So tonight was one of those unreasonable times. Once out of a week. No guilt. I can let the control go a little bit and not feel like I am some sort of failure for not getting that A+.
Miriam
She talked about a lot of concepts that I really have to get my head around. I told her that I was not willing to gain weight (which sometimes happens as you enter the IE journey) by eating whenever whatever, and that I felt that if I stayed between a 3 and a 6 my body wouldn't let me eat too much. She said that food is to be enjoyed and we cannot deny the pleasure of it, so sometimes we do have what Dr. Phil calls "a party in your mouth." She said it's not the worst thing in the world, and if we are out at a restaurant, or having a very special meal or treat, sometimes we don't want to stop at "comfortable." And that's okay. I asked her how I wouldn't gain weight if I let myself get to the "one bite too many stage." She said that if I really really listen, my body will have me cut down (or cut out) at the next meal.
OMG NO! Another diet rule smashed to smithereens.... So if I eat too much at night I might not want breakfast, and that's okay. I find that when I talk to people who skip breakfast it's often because they eat so much at night. I wouldn't want to do this every night - but if it happens, and once in a while I skip breakfast, I am not going to whither away and bring my metabolism to a screeching halt.
But back to learning where the line is. I experimented tonight. I ate way more than was necessary (sort of bordering on a binge - which because of all my dieting I have redefined to mean 200-500 calories more than intended.... which is a great improvement over eating until I was sick). (And this is what I was talking about yesterday - CONTROL - even my binges have to be controlled.) But for me a binge isn't just about the amount of food, it's the crazed emotion behind it. Well anyway - binge or not I ate too much.
The difference tonight is that I am not feeling guilty about it (which would lead me to eat more and probably binge all weekend until Monday morning - if I was lucky to stop at Monday morning and not the first day of the next month). Marci said to aim to eat reasonably most of the time - not necessarily all of the time. So tonight was one of those unreasonable times. Once out of a week. No guilt. I can let the control go a little bit and not feel like I am some sort of failure for not getting that A+.
Miriam
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Don't they give A+'s anymore?
Had my appointment today and was telling Marci all the wonderful breakthroughs I've had while sitting with my emotions and feelings instead of running for food. I wish I could have recorded the session (and I might ask her next time) as we had so many good discussions just in the span of that hour (50 minutes, to be exact).
I told her of my watermelon flashback: I had opened the fridge to see a bowl of watermelon that my husband had cut up. Immediately I saw my father very carefully slicing watermelon and giving me my piece. I always wanted more. At the same time I also had a memory of his slicing halva (a candy made from tahini and sugar) - slicing it ever so thin, and my getting my one piece. I always wanted more. I never got enough. I see now that this not only led to my life-long behavior of sneaking food, or always eating a last supper in case I could never get the food again, or always eating more than enough just because I can. Marci said that this deprivation in childhood is such a universal root of disordered eating, and she was surprised that I got these flashbacks and awareness so soon into my IE journey. I also joked that I wonder if my father doled out portions like that to everyone, or if my skinny sister got TWO pieces - the question is probably moot, though, because she wouldn't have wanted two....
I also told her about my experience last Thursday night of pulling out the bag of pretzels and filling a bowl. I started to bring the first one to my lips then immediately stopped in mid-air. I had been out that night shopping for dresses for the groom's mother. It wasn't that I was "just" shopping. I had reverted back to my frenzied shopping that I have worked so hard over the years to stop (and for the most part, I've been successful). What I mean by that is that I didn't just pick up a dress - I bought three gowns in her size but different styles and sizes. That would have been okay, I suppose, but I also bought myself a gown that I did not need (and which I returned the very next morning). I was walking around the store, late at night, thinking to myself "Must Shop. Must Shop." So as I picked up that pretzel I realized that it was because of the anxiety that my old shopping-behavior triggered. I put the pretzel down and walked out of the kitchen.
But later in the session when I was talking about this again, I beat myself up, not acknowledging that it was a REALLY BIG thing that not only did I walk away but I realized that the pretzels were linked to the anxiety. Marci said to me - why couldn't I be happy with THAT. Why did I think it wasn't good enough because I shouldn't even have TAKEN the pretzels out of the bag, or even have THOUGHT about them.
Another flashback: I remember bringing home my report card and showing it to my father. I don't know if was all As or a mix of As and Bs. He said to me: "Don't they give A+'s anymore?" And so it began. Nothing was ever good enough. I am not enough. I must control the universe. I must be the boss of the world.
This mix of control, deprivation, self-blame, self-worth ... all tie in to my disordered eating and also explains why dieting doesn't work for me (more on that in another post).
Anyway - we covered so much more - my head is just spinning.
Miriam
I told her of my watermelon flashback: I had opened the fridge to see a bowl of watermelon that my husband had cut up. Immediately I saw my father very carefully slicing watermelon and giving me my piece. I always wanted more. At the same time I also had a memory of his slicing halva (a candy made from tahini and sugar) - slicing it ever so thin, and my getting my one piece. I always wanted more. I never got enough. I see now that this not only led to my life-long behavior of sneaking food, or always eating a last supper in case I could never get the food again, or always eating more than enough just because I can. Marci said that this deprivation in childhood is such a universal root of disordered eating, and she was surprised that I got these flashbacks and awareness so soon into my IE journey. I also joked that I wonder if my father doled out portions like that to everyone, or if my skinny sister got TWO pieces - the question is probably moot, though, because she wouldn't have wanted two....
I also told her about my experience last Thursday night of pulling out the bag of pretzels and filling a bowl. I started to bring the first one to my lips then immediately stopped in mid-air. I had been out that night shopping for dresses for the groom's mother. It wasn't that I was "just" shopping. I had reverted back to my frenzied shopping that I have worked so hard over the years to stop (and for the most part, I've been successful). What I mean by that is that I didn't just pick up a dress - I bought three gowns in her size but different styles and sizes. That would have been okay, I suppose, but I also bought myself a gown that I did not need (and which I returned the very next morning). I was walking around the store, late at night, thinking to myself "Must Shop. Must Shop." So as I picked up that pretzel I realized that it was because of the anxiety that my old shopping-behavior triggered. I put the pretzel down and walked out of the kitchen.
But later in the session when I was talking about this again, I beat myself up, not acknowledging that it was a REALLY BIG thing that not only did I walk away but I realized that the pretzels were linked to the anxiety. Marci said to me - why couldn't I be happy with THAT. Why did I think it wasn't good enough because I shouldn't even have TAKEN the pretzels out of the bag, or even have THOUGHT about them.
Another flashback: I remember bringing home my report card and showing it to my father. I don't know if was all As or a mix of As and Bs. He said to me: "Don't they give A+'s anymore?" And so it began. Nothing was ever good enough. I am not enough. I must control the universe. I must be the boss of the world.
This mix of control, deprivation, self-blame, self-worth ... all tie in to my disordered eating and also explains why dieting doesn't work for me (more on that in another post).
Anyway - we covered so much more - my head is just spinning.
Miriam
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
What's the crime in being hungry?
As a former WW'er I had pounded into me the fact that we should ALWAYS eat before a party or going to a restaurant. I understand the concept that you don't want to arrive anywhere famished, as you will make poor decisions, eat too fast, and ultimately overeat. I get that. However I was thinking back to a recent restaurant episode... I was meeting someone after work for dinner at the Olive Garden. Heaven forbid I walk in hungry (mind you, it was only 5PM and I had finished lunch at 1:30 and probably (although I can't remember now) had a snack in the car. In the morning I had packed a thermos of soup to have just before going into the restaurant. I actually parked in a different parking lot so I wouldn't be seen by my friend, and I consumed tepid soup that, despite being in a quality thermos, had leaked. Okay - so what would have been the crime to have a bowl of soup at the restaurant before ordering (never mind that, anyway -- I had looked at the menu on line beforehand and had already decided what I was going to have)? But because "don't arrive hungry" has so been hammered into my brain, I almost automatically did the soup thing without thinking.
Isn't being a little hungry what appetizers, soups, and salads are for? Of course, if we need to lose weight, it's more likely that's what bread and butter are for. I get that. I had gotten to the point where I wouldn't sit down to dinner in my own house if I was "starving." And hence, would have a dinner before having dinner. Plus, the anxiety of not wanting to overeat also led to eating before eating.
I have noticed this madness subsiding a little bit since I've started my IE journey. When I went to my mother's party Sunday (albeit I landed up sick because of what I ate) I didn't eat before going. That was a biggie for me. But mostly I noticed a shift when, last Friday, I didn't eat an entire meal before dinner. I wasn't anxious about what I was going to choose to eat, nor the quantity. I also wasn't anxious about weighing, measuring, and counting Points. I wasn't worried about not weighing, measuring, and counting Points and thus "going over." This is what I referred to a couple of posts ago about being calmer. I think my anxiety about overeating contributed my overeating.
So it's funny to find, still new into my journey, that lessening this strangle-hold on anxiety about staying on a diet (and eating so I won't be hungry) is translating into eating less, overall. I think this whole thing is what played into my gaining weight the more I needed to lose it. (Which is why I said that the wedding really did serve as a catalyst for bringing the madness to a head.)
Also - what's this with eating more now so we won't be hungry later? So what if I'm hungry later? Do I live on the planet Krypton where I can't get something to eat? Not only that - I have a fridge right in my office, am never far from home, and am not disabled from carrying a thermal bag with an icepack if I want to carry some fruit with me during these hot days. I know it's not always an opportune time to eat, but what's the crime with being a little hungry?
Miriam
Isn't being a little hungry what appetizers, soups, and salads are for? Of course, if we need to lose weight, it's more likely that's what bread and butter are for. I get that. I had gotten to the point where I wouldn't sit down to dinner in my own house if I was "starving." And hence, would have a dinner before having dinner. Plus, the anxiety of not wanting to overeat also led to eating before eating.
I have noticed this madness subsiding a little bit since I've started my IE journey. When I went to my mother's party Sunday (albeit I landed up sick because of what I ate) I didn't eat before going. That was a biggie for me. But mostly I noticed a shift when, last Friday, I didn't eat an entire meal before dinner. I wasn't anxious about what I was going to choose to eat, nor the quantity. I also wasn't anxious about weighing, measuring, and counting Points. I wasn't worried about not weighing, measuring, and counting Points and thus "going over." This is what I referred to a couple of posts ago about being calmer. I think my anxiety about overeating contributed my overeating.
So it's funny to find, still new into my journey, that lessening this strangle-hold on anxiety about staying on a diet (and eating so I won't be hungry) is translating into eating less, overall. I think this whole thing is what played into my gaining weight the more I needed to lose it. (Which is why I said that the wedding really did serve as a catalyst for bringing the madness to a head.)
Also - what's this with eating more now so we won't be hungry later? So what if I'm hungry later? Do I live on the planet Krypton where I can't get something to eat? Not only that - I have a fridge right in my office, am never far from home, and am not disabled from carrying a thermal bag with an icepack if I want to carry some fruit with me during these hot days. I know it's not always an opportune time to eat, but what's the crime with being a little hungry?
Miriam
Monday, July 16, 2012
Feeling better
Feeling much better this morning. I was so sick yesterday because of the processed sugar and flour (bagels, cake, ice cream). I think I am starting to tune into how certain foods make me feel. Actually, I think I always knew (or at least suspected) but ignored it. However, I realize today that I totally wasted a perfectly good day and I'm not willing to do that anymore.
My daughter just got back from Europe where she had a sample photo shoot done by her photographer. Stunning, absolutely stunning. However, it brought up feelings in me that I am not pleased with - mainly the regret and self-recrimination that I didn't just dig in my heels and diet so many months ago when I originally re-joined WW.
Hmmm.... 11:22 a.m., and I just had the pangs of hunger (a 3-4 - not starving hunger). More specifically, I wish I had a bag of baby carrots. What's THAT all about? Could be as innocent as really I'm hungry, as it is almost lunch-time. But, I suspect thinking about dieting and beating myself up for not losing weight is probably more like it. (If I were relaxing, enjoying the ocean do you really think I would have had hunger for crunchy carrots right at THIS moment???) This is the point, in one's IE journey that instead of reaching for the carrots (which I can't do anyway because I'm sitting in my office and I don't want to start lunch this early) one must sit with one's feelings.
I told you this is harder than dieting. Wouldn't it be easier to run for the carrots, or hit the vending machine for some candy????
You are here in real time, folks. This is happening as I am typing it. I don't know what to do with this.
<<PAUSE>>
I went for my bra-fitting with my gown on Saturday... so I'm thinking how really beautiful *I* looked - not just a pretty gown on an ugly fat person... sitting.... sitting... I'm thinking about how it's ALL about my daughter and not so much about ME.... sitting... sitting... I'm thinking about how I don't want to weigh and measure and count my food for the rest of my life. I don't want to be seventy years old and still looking for a diet.... sitting... sitting.... OMG IT PASSED..... Still hungry (bona fide, really) but without the sensation that I have to bolt out of my chair and get something to eat.
It's 90 degrees, it's almost noon sun, I don't have sunscreen with me... but I'm going for a walk.
Miriam
My daughter just got back from Europe where she had a sample photo shoot done by her photographer. Stunning, absolutely stunning. However, it brought up feelings in me that I am not pleased with - mainly the regret and self-recrimination that I didn't just dig in my heels and diet so many months ago when I originally re-joined WW.
Hmmm.... 11:22 a.m., and I just had the pangs of hunger (a 3-4 - not starving hunger). More specifically, I wish I had a bag of baby carrots. What's THAT all about? Could be as innocent as really I'm hungry, as it is almost lunch-time. But, I suspect thinking about dieting and beating myself up for not losing weight is probably more like it. (If I were relaxing, enjoying the ocean do you really think I would have had hunger for crunchy carrots right at THIS moment???) This is the point, in one's IE journey that instead of reaching for the carrots (which I can't do anyway because I'm sitting in my office and I don't want to start lunch this early) one must sit with one's feelings.
I told you this is harder than dieting. Wouldn't it be easier to run for the carrots, or hit the vending machine for some candy????
You are here in real time, folks. This is happening as I am typing it. I don't know what to do with this.
<<PAUSE>>
I went for my bra-fitting with my gown on Saturday... so I'm thinking how really beautiful *I* looked - not just a pretty gown on an ugly fat person... sitting.... sitting... I'm thinking about how it's ALL about my daughter and not so much about ME.... sitting... sitting... I'm thinking about how I don't want to weigh and measure and count my food for the rest of my life. I don't want to be seventy years old and still looking for a diet.... sitting... sitting.... OMG IT PASSED..... Still hungry (bona fide, really) but without the sensation that I have to bolt out of my chair and get something to eat.
It's 90 degrees, it's almost noon sun, I don't have sunscreen with me... but I'm going for a walk.
Miriam
Sunday, July 15, 2012
sick sick sick :(
Well first of all, on an up note, yesterday was a blast. Going straight to the food part... we went to Cheesecake Factory and my sister-in-law ordered her favorite appetizer plates. I had a little bit of everything and didn't even consider an entree or dessert, even though we would have shared it. I found, though, that on the way home, the fried food didn't sit well with me, but not to the point of feeling sick. I did wake up hungry today, though, as I have to say we did a ton of walking (wish I had my pedometer with me - just curious) and I didn't have that much to eat last night.
Anyway - to the sick sick sick part.... today was my mother's 96th birthday! We had a party for her at the nursing home. Following a bagel brunch we had cake and ice cream. I have to say that honestly, quantity-wise, I did not overeat and probably was at a 5-6 following the lunch, maybe sliding into a 7 by the time we finished ice cream and cake.
What I wanted to write about was how sick I felt on the drive home. Not sick from being stuffed, but sick from what the foods from that lunch did to my stomach. We rarely have processed flour/sugar foods at home and I am certain that it was the cake and ice cream that made me sick. (And again, I don't think it was related to quantity... I have consumed MUCH more in the past.... I always joked that frosting was my favorite food group!) Then I was thinking to how the bit of food I had last night didn't sit well with me either.
I know that when you get old, you don't have an iron stomach like you do when you are younger. But I also wonder how much of it is a side-effect of my IE journey. Along with tuning out hunger and satiety, I am sure I tuned out feelings of discomfort that certain foods would cause me. I would venture to say that I probably never noticed how cake and frosting made me feel sick because I was already moaning how sick I felt from eating too much of it.
I will be interested to see how I begin to tune into how certain foods make me feel - alongside tuning in to my hunger/satiety scale. It's a welcome side-effect because learning what makes me not feel well will also guide me to making healthier choices that my body craves.
So meanwhile, here I sit three hours after the party, still not feeling well. But sort of glad for it!
Miriam
Anyway - to the sick sick sick part.... today was my mother's 96th birthday! We had a party for her at the nursing home. Following a bagel brunch we had cake and ice cream. I have to say that honestly, quantity-wise, I did not overeat and probably was at a 5-6 following the lunch, maybe sliding into a 7 by the time we finished ice cream and cake.
What I wanted to write about was how sick I felt on the drive home. Not sick from being stuffed, but sick from what the foods from that lunch did to my stomach. We rarely have processed flour/sugar foods at home and I am certain that it was the cake and ice cream that made me sick. (And again, I don't think it was related to quantity... I have consumed MUCH more in the past.... I always joked that frosting was my favorite food group!) Then I was thinking to how the bit of food I had last night didn't sit well with me either.
I know that when you get old, you don't have an iron stomach like you do when you are younger. But I also wonder how much of it is a side-effect of my IE journey. Along with tuning out hunger and satiety, I am sure I tuned out feelings of discomfort that certain foods would cause me. I would venture to say that I probably never noticed how cake and frosting made me feel sick because I was already moaning how sick I felt from eating too much of it.
I will be interested to see how I begin to tune into how certain foods make me feel - alongside tuning in to my hunger/satiety scale. It's a welcome side-effect because learning what makes me not feel well will also guide me to making healthier choices that my body craves.
So meanwhile, here I sit three hours after the party, still not feeling well. But sort of glad for it!
Miriam
Saturday, July 14, 2012
What law says I need to eat a sandwich?
What I say to myself: I am not dieting. I am enjoying life and eating healthy. I'm sitting with that for now - and am entirely mixed. First, I feel really calm. But I also feel really scared. If someday I really want a burger and fries (don't know why that one meal popped into my mind) how will I ever leave any of it on my plate even if I'm already full? I'm scared and sad. But calm and happy. Go figure all those emotions just from not dieting for a few days!
So I came home for dinner the other night - late - and nothing was prepared. (Those of you who know me... how often does that happen? lol) I had ingredients to make dinner but so wasn't in the mood to cook and I was really hungry besides. I opened the fridge and looked through it and I did have "deli" and all of a sudden I realized I could really go for the nice Virginia shaved ham I had gotten the day before. I started to make a sandwich and stopped. What law says I can only have ham in a sandwich? I didn't want a sandwich. I got a SMALL plate (even that's new for me), took a small amount of ham, a small amount of buffalo deli chicken, 1 bag of 100 calorie chips, a few pretzels, opened a can of baked beans and took maybe 1/2 a cup, and a pickle. VOILA! Exactly what I wanted. Everything that appealed to me at that moment. Reasonable portions. I ate slowly, savored, and did not look for food the rest of the night (I bet if I had that sandwich I would have).
Evelyn Tribole, one of the founders of IE, says: "Unconditional permission to eat is not about choosing to overeat. It's about staying connected to the eating experience - taste, satisfaction, satiety." The plate I made for dinner (and normally a plate like that would just be the appetizer portion of a binge) hit all three qualities: taste, satisfaction and satiety.
I'm going into the city today and will be having dinner out. I have no idea where we are going. No idea what I will eat. No idea what I will be in the mood for. I cannot remember the last time I EVER went to a restaurant without checking the nutritional information on line - or even, once, I called the restaurant (that didn't have the info on line, but did have its menu) and pretended to have some awful thing wrong with me and made them go to the corporate chef (it was a chain) and ask the portion sizes and ingredients of what looked like it might have been the lowest Points item on the menu. They actually did, and called me back, and I figured the Points before going to the restaurant. (That's when I had an inkling that I really needed to stop dieting, just for my sanity.) This is such a new experience for me - go wherever, eat whatever... maybe not even finish! Especially not finish if I'm "satisfied" - OMG maybe even only get an appetizer. I have to tell you - this is really scary stuff. But because I like adventures it's sort of fun too.
Miriam
So I came home for dinner the other night - late - and nothing was prepared. (Those of you who know me... how often does that happen? lol) I had ingredients to make dinner but so wasn't in the mood to cook and I was really hungry besides. I opened the fridge and looked through it and I did have "deli" and all of a sudden I realized I could really go for the nice Virginia shaved ham I had gotten the day before. I started to make a sandwich and stopped. What law says I can only have ham in a sandwich? I didn't want a sandwich. I got a SMALL plate (even that's new for me), took a small amount of ham, a small amount of buffalo deli chicken, 1 bag of 100 calorie chips, a few pretzels, opened a can of baked beans and took maybe 1/2 a cup, and a pickle. VOILA! Exactly what I wanted. Everything that appealed to me at that moment. Reasonable portions. I ate slowly, savored, and did not look for food the rest of the night (I bet if I had that sandwich I would have).
Evelyn Tribole, one of the founders of IE, says: "Unconditional permission to eat is not about choosing to overeat. It's about staying connected to the eating experience - taste, satisfaction, satiety." The plate I made for dinner (and normally a plate like that would just be the appetizer portion of a binge) hit all three qualities: taste, satisfaction and satiety.
I'm going into the city today and will be having dinner out. I have no idea where we are going. No idea what I will eat. No idea what I will be in the mood for. I cannot remember the last time I EVER went to a restaurant without checking the nutritional information on line - or even, once, I called the restaurant (that didn't have the info on line, but did have its menu) and pretended to have some awful thing wrong with me and made them go to the corporate chef (it was a chain) and ask the portion sizes and ingredients of what looked like it might have been the lowest Points item on the menu. They actually did, and called me back, and I figured the Points before going to the restaurant. (That's when I had an inkling that I really needed to stop dieting, just for my sanity.) This is such a new experience for me - go wherever, eat whatever... maybe not even finish! Especially not finish if I'm "satisfied" - OMG maybe even only get an appetizer. I have to tell you - this is really scary stuff. But because I like adventures it's sort of fun too.
Miriam
Friday, July 13, 2012
Beginning a new journey - peeling the onion
I thought I would take a longer hiatus than this while I sorted things out on the path to the NEW ME part of this blog. I also considered keeping a private journal instead of a public blog, but have been encouraged to share, as it may help other people, and that's really what this blog started as - a way to help people facing, or going through, total knee replacement. The response was so encouraging and supportive, that it buoyed this latest decision to share.
As I had posted in earlier entries, my "dieting" has bounced around all over the place, most recently landing on the WW on-line square. This time it didn't even take 48 hours before I knew I just couldn't diet anymore. I think the crisis of wanting to lose weight before the wedding is what brought it all to a head ("time to pee or get off the pot") and the more I wanted to follow the diet, the less I could bring myself to do it.
Years ago I had read all about Intuitive Eating and even "dabbled" in it. However, I, like thousands of others who tried and failed, neglected to understand that it is NOT all about eating whatever you want, whenever you want, in whatever quantity you want. Although the first two are correct (whatever and whenever) the key is that you MUST tune into your hunger/satiety signals and that will determine the quantity. If you truly do mindful eating this way, you will not be in any danger of gaining weight (most people are terrified of following this path because they are afraid they will gain weight), you will achieve a healthy weight, eat like a "normal" person (don't we all dream of that?), and also reach a state of health, because as you tune into your body, you will begin to pull from healthy foods and let the junk go. I always said it was harder than dieting (at first glance the misunderstood "free-for-all" makes it seem it will be easier) but I never really appreciated HOW hard until now.
I have had disordered eating since my childhood, and no amount of calorie counting, Points counting, weighing, measuring, stepping on the scale, chastising myself, etc. is going to straighten this out. For me, it was hardly ever about the food. Sometimes it is - as Dr. Phil once said, "Sometimes you just want a party in your mouth!" But the fact that I couldn't stop after the party again showed it wasn't about the food.
I started to journal my hunger/satiety signals (before and after eating) and was shocked that, when I actually paid attention, I started my eating at 3-4 ("Ready for a meal" to "Edge of Hunger, Snack Time") and stopped at 5-6 ("Neutral" to "Mildly satisfied - like after a snack"). I rarely got to a 2 ("Very Hungry) or stopped at a 7 ("Satisfied - like after a meal"). Prior to this type of journaling I would fall outside those parameters. And because I didn't tune into my full (or getting full) signal, I always overate - even snacks. And let me say here, that's where something like Weight Watchers or calorie counting can be valuable for people who just need to understand what a portion is, what a meal is, how to not eat all day long with no limits, etc. But for someone like me, with disordered eating - I know all that - I'm a professional dieter! I just can't stop the party. Appetite awareness training is more valuable to me than just eating according to set guidelines.
So here I am with a new idea, and a new resolve. But how do I just keep it from becoming another diet with rules? I am on an Intuitive Eating support group, and one of the members posted this (and I did ask her permission and she said it was okay to share): ""Using a coach/therapist and nutritionist helped me to actually apply what I read in self-help books to my own situation. I've always read self-help books, but then have been so inside myself that I couldn't see the forest for the trees, plus I'd get sidetracked, and then it turned into just another good book I'd read. Having an appointment out there helped to keep me mindful of my goals on a day to day basis. It certainly didn't make for less work, but kept me doing the work, on the right path, and from becoming discouraged and giving up, because it takes a long time."
So... I have started with a registered dietitian who is trained in Intuitive Eating counseling. I can "use" her for diet support if I like - she is a registered dietitian after all - but this is a golden opportunity to truly get rid of my disordered eating, and peel away the layers of the onion (which has already started - with quite a few jolts when I wasn't expecting it).
So, friends, now that I have passed my first year anniversary on my KNEE I can tuck those conversations behind me, and move on to ME.
Miriam
As I had posted in earlier entries, my "dieting" has bounced around all over the place, most recently landing on the WW on-line square. This time it didn't even take 48 hours before I knew I just couldn't diet anymore. I think the crisis of wanting to lose weight before the wedding is what brought it all to a head ("time to pee or get off the pot") and the more I wanted to follow the diet, the less I could bring myself to do it.
Years ago I had read all about Intuitive Eating and even "dabbled" in it. However, I, like thousands of others who tried and failed, neglected to understand that it is NOT all about eating whatever you want, whenever you want, in whatever quantity you want. Although the first two are correct (whatever and whenever) the key is that you MUST tune into your hunger/satiety signals and that will determine the quantity. If you truly do mindful eating this way, you will not be in any danger of gaining weight (most people are terrified of following this path because they are afraid they will gain weight), you will achieve a healthy weight, eat like a "normal" person (don't we all dream of that?), and also reach a state of health, because as you tune into your body, you will begin to pull from healthy foods and let the junk go. I always said it was harder than dieting (at first glance the misunderstood "free-for-all" makes it seem it will be easier) but I never really appreciated HOW hard until now.
I have had disordered eating since my childhood, and no amount of calorie counting, Points counting, weighing, measuring, stepping on the scale, chastising myself, etc. is going to straighten this out. For me, it was hardly ever about the food. Sometimes it is - as Dr. Phil once said, "Sometimes you just want a party in your mouth!" But the fact that I couldn't stop after the party again showed it wasn't about the food.
I started to journal my hunger/satiety signals (before and after eating) and was shocked that, when I actually paid attention, I started my eating at 3-4 ("Ready for a meal" to "Edge of Hunger, Snack Time") and stopped at 5-6 ("Neutral" to "Mildly satisfied - like after a snack"). I rarely got to a 2 ("Very Hungry) or stopped at a 7 ("Satisfied - like after a meal"). Prior to this type of journaling I would fall outside those parameters. And because I didn't tune into my full (or getting full) signal, I always overate - even snacks. And let me say here, that's where something like Weight Watchers or calorie counting can be valuable for people who just need to understand what a portion is, what a meal is, how to not eat all day long with no limits, etc. But for someone like me, with disordered eating - I know all that - I'm a professional dieter! I just can't stop the party. Appetite awareness training is more valuable to me than just eating according to set guidelines.
So here I am with a new idea, and a new resolve. But how do I just keep it from becoming another diet with rules? I am on an Intuitive Eating support group, and one of the members posted this (and I did ask her permission and she said it was okay to share): ""Using a coach/therapist and nutritionist helped me to actually apply what I read in self-help books to my own situation. I've always read self-help books, but then have been so inside myself that I couldn't see the forest for the trees, plus I'd get sidetracked, and then it turned into just another good book I'd read. Having an appointment out there helped to keep me mindful of my goals on a day to day basis. It certainly didn't make for less work, but kept me doing the work, on the right path, and from becoming discouraged and giving up, because it takes a long time."
So... I have started with a registered dietitian who is trained in Intuitive Eating counseling. I can "use" her for diet support if I like - she is a registered dietitian after all - but this is a golden opportunity to truly get rid of my disordered eating, and peel away the layers of the onion (which has already started - with quite a few jolts when I wasn't expecting it).
So, friends, now that I have passed my first year anniversary on my KNEE I can tuck those conversations behind me, and move on to ME.
Miriam
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