*I'm* the stuffed turkey

I just want to know.... when will I ever learn? Last night I was home alone for dinner (both DH and DS were working) and, although I could have eaten something sensible that I already had in the house, I stopped for some hot and sour soup (which is okay) which lead to a combo plate. All fried stuff. Indigestion all night. And this morning *I* am feeling like the stuffed turkey. I'm not lamenting it because of Points or calories, but because in this IE journey I am getting to know my body and what it will and will not tolerate. Why did I think that THIS would be the one time I could eat this and NOT be sick? Actually, I think, it's because as I am eating cleaner and in less quantities it takes less and less to make me sick if it's the "wrong" food. When I think back to the quantities of this type of food I could eat with NO consequences it's no wonder, I guess, that I was lead to believe it wouldn't bother me.

I'm not beating myself up except that I feel like I am dragging myself this morning - I don't even want to shower and dress - and I so looked forward to going to my DD's today ... do you think I could go unshowered, smelly and in my jammies? Do you think anyone will notice? I bet if I do they will all be wishing they had the courage to do the same thing!

I'm trying to be gentle on myself, moving slowly, savoring my coffee (I don't think I could eat) - maybe by noon I'll perk up a bit! lol lol

Sigh.............

In answer to Babs' comment

Hi Babs – thank you so much for all your comments.  Especially, as a matter of fact, the last one.  It really gave me pause to stop and think about things. Yes, what you describe is spot on – mindful eating, and making calories/Points secondary to eating healthy. 

It made me wonder why I am making such a big deal of this?  I guess that if one really gets the principles of IE (including the very first one – letting go of diet mentality) then one can become a “normal eater” which is the goal of everyone -  especially those of us who can’t see ourselves counting Points for the rest of our lives. 

Your comment made me ponder whether IE isn’t just the furtherance of the search for the “magic bullet” and whether I am wasting my time with it.  But, you have to know that I have been suffering the most with Principle #1.  In all honesty I opened my WW on-line page yesterday and started AGAIN.  But this time I will try to do it less manically.

The reason why I think I cannot give up IE, even if I discard Principle #1 and do it with WW, is that I still have “disordered” eating.  People think of anorexia, bulimia, bingeing, etc. as eating disorders, but there are many shades of it.  My disorder – specifically with regard to WW – is my manic need to find perfection.

By that I mean, if I make a casserole that serves four, I cannot just divide the plate into four.  I have to weigh each portion and spend so much time taking ½ tsp of one and putting it with the other to make sure the portions are absolutely even.  Or, like that stupid incident I talked about earlier where I wouldn’t buy a cracker because it was 15 calories more than a different-flavored counterpart (even though actually the Points are the same).  I become very obsessed with dieting.

IE says that the obsession is inherent in the diet itself.  I’m still struggling with the concept that the obsession is in ME (i.e., not letting go of Principle #1).  Dieting, whether or not I am successful with it, is in my comfort zone, while IE is not.  Is it not in my comfort zone because it’s not for me, or is it not in my comfort zone because I need so much more work on it? 

Insisting that IE is the only way to go is, to me, as wrong (maybe) as insisting dieting is the only way to.  This is why I am trying to “meld” the best concepts of the two into something that works for me. 

Am I making it more difficult than it needs to be (which thought came from reading your comment), or does it need (for me) to be this difficult to come through to the other side? 

I’m just so confused. 

Letting go of the diet mentality

I met with my counselor today and asked her to print out the 10 Principles of IE for me so that I could go through them and see where I am in making progress.  A few I am totally "there" - like respecting hunger and fullness, and even, heaven help me, exercise!  The one I am still hung up on is #1: Letting Go of the Diet Mentality. 

Yesterday I spoke of "bolting" but that was bolting out of healthy eating into crazy awful eating.  Today I still want to talk about bolting but, bolting out of IE back into dieting.  This morning on the way to work I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some apples to bring to work and while I was there I saw that Wasa crackers are on sale.  Every morning I have two Wasa crackers with lite Laughing Cow cheese topped with either fresh tomatoes or fresh cucumbers.  That breakfast never fails to hold me until lunch, and when I have something else for breakfast the day just never seems to fall into place.  So... I always buy the sourdough crackers - which are 35 calories a piece.  Since there was such a big sale I thought I would also buy other types and picked up the multigrain.  Mon dieu - 60 calories a piece.  I put it down immediately. 

So I talked about this in today's session, using it as an example of how it is still so hard for me to let go of anything to do with diet mentality. How absurd is it, really, that I would let those 25 calories stop me from trying a new food.  Why can I not pick up something only to immediately calculate Points or calories before allowing myself to have it?  Well - since I have been dieting for 5 decades, I can see why... but that doesn't make it any less ridiculous!    So one of my assignments this week is to go back to the store today and buy that multigrain Wasa and do a taste test of the two.  Really pay attention to the flavor, texture, crunch and any other quality.  Then write my impressions of the two different (or three - there is another "flavor" that I also want to try) crackers.  Allow myself to eat it - and savor it (well, as much as a Wasa cracker can be savored! LOL).  Try them with my Laughing Cow cheese that I have in the mornings.  Try them with the different vegetables on top.  Try them with other toppings and do a side-by-side comparison test. 

What would be some lessons?  That, if I didn't like the new flavor it might open the possibility that there might be other things that I wouldn't like anyway, but want them because they are forbidden?  That I like the other flavor and a whole new world would be open to me at the price of only 25 calories?  That I can eat something that is higher in calories and not feel wicked or naughty or bad?  That I find I can eat something I like and stop at the usual serving that I have anyway?  That I don't care for the new flavor(s) and then make a decision not to have them - instead of the decision being made for me based on calorie count?  The lessons from my Wasa cracker taste test are endless!

The other assignment is to try to detach myself from diet thinking.  Not in a way that I force myself not to think about dieting, but in a way that I am just an observer, not a participant.  My counselor said another client gave her this metaphor:  Pretend that you are lying on the bottom of the ocean looking up.  Above you, you see the waves, the fish, people swimming, boats in the water, etc.  But you are just laying there, looking up - not involved in the action, just observing it.  That's what she wants me to do every time I have a diet thought this week. 

For instance, if I have an urge to count Points in my head - just observe the thought, but don't actively participate in it.  Or, with the Wasa crackers, I could have picked up the other flavor, read the calorie count - but the reading of that calorie count should have the same effect on me as if I was seeing a blue label instead of a green one - it shouldn't carry any impact on my decision - it is just something I am observing, not something I am participating in by way of deciding whether I should have 25 more calories a slice. 

I can't resist a second image right here, that sums it all up, when talking about letting go of the diet mentality:

Learning not to bolt

One of those days.  Hangin' on but barely.  I don't know whether it's the change in weather (just saw the first snowflake and the wind is howling up a storm) or just it's too good to be true that I had so many feelin'-good days in a row!  (I think part of it is also that I didn't go for my walk today - I had a chiropractor visit last night for my back/hip and this morning I woke up with the realization that I had better take at least this one day off.)

One thing I AM hyper-aware of is that I used to drown my blues in food.  Maybe that's exactly why I'm hyper-aware! lol  Without the food to keep me occupied I'm noticing my mood.  Well, I've always noticed my moods - what is different is that I'm noticing that I'm not running to food as a way to obliterate it (and I didn't really notice that part of the equation before!).  Normally by now I would have made a trip to the vending machine, which in turn would have made the rest of the day totally downhill - probably stopping for Chinese food on the way home, with or without the doughnut or burger & fries appetizer.  How many times just this past week was I aware of the deep feeling to bolt whatever it was I was doing and head for food?  A lot!

I found that this morning I was just overwhelmed with how much I have to do in the house.  I always say that I wish I could clean my house as if I was moving.  And, not the type of move where you throw the contents of the junk drawer into a box to be dealt with at the new house.  The type of move like when we had to close my mother's apartment and I realized that it really was not necessary to keep a jar of thumbtacks for a non-existent cork bulletin board, or a box of cards with mismatched envelopes. 

So today after lunch, instead of topping it off with something that I neither needed, nor really wanted, I sat and made a drawer by drawer, cabinet by cabinet and closet by closet list of every single nook and cranny that I wanted to clean in the upstairs of the house.  (I'll deal with the basement later.)

What I realized is that it doesn't have to all be done at once (which is where the overwhelm comes in).  Instead I can tackle one drawer a day, or a closet over a weekend.  It made me think about why Intuitive Eating and dieting can seem so overwhelming.  We all want to lose the weight NOW, or even better... YESTERDAY.  The saying that it didn't come on all at once you're not going to lose it all at once, is very true.  But with dieting you are mainly just looking at those results.  With IE it is so much deeper than that.  It's making small progress with all 10 principles, but mostly making progress with no longer feeling the need to bolt (in the direction of food or other avoidance behavior) when there is an unpleasant activity or emotion that pops up or is looming in the future.  It's also the acknowledgment that it is not black and white, but very much rainbow.

Just today by not taking my walk I had that lesson.  I was almost on the verge of beating myself up for not walking, but then, first of all, decided to be kind to myself and realized that the decision not to walk was best for my body today.  Second, I thought back how, with black and white thinking, I would use today's missed walk as an excuse to say the heck with it, and not walk again until maybe Monday, and certainly use it as an excuse to eat randomly.  Really - if I missed a day of a cleaning project would I go to the cabinets and drawers I had already cleaned and just empty everything out on to the floor? 

Each and every day is a lesson with IE - so much more than just sticking to an "eat this not that" type of list.  It's harder than a diet.  There are bleak days I am hanging on by my fingernails.  But then there are days I am able to just hang in the sunlight with all four paws, so I can take a day like this every once in a while - as long as I use it as a lesson and not as an excuse.

What do YOU do when you are hanging on like that little kitten above?

Miriam

Just loving my Garmin Forerunner 10 GPS monitor.  It has opened a whole new (old) world to me.  OLD because I used to power walk 5 miles a day, which dwindled to nothing.  Then after some hopeful - but unsuccessful - attempts after my knee surgery I finally gave up.  This now enables me to take short "meaningful" walks while providing excellent feedback and motivation.  I use the word meaningful because it was important to me to know my distance and even the best pedometers were crappy - so I was limited to walking routes that I could clock with the car.  Now I can walk wherever my nose takes me, and I can accurately measure the distance - but it's so much more than that - it records pace, which I love because I can see if I can beat my personal best.  It also records a ton of other stuff (elevation, fastest pace within the time, elapsed time, moving time, etc.).  I can also pause it as needed.  I also love that I upload the information and the GPS writes out a map of your route.  I print it out everyday and make notations to myself.  LOVE IT!

So what's the connection to Intuitive Eating?  I picked up a card from the "Association for Size Diversity and Health" that was in my counselor's office, and one of statements of the organization's goals is "Promoting individually appropriate, enjoyable, life-enhancing physical activity, rather than exercise that is focused on a goal of weight loss."  If you remember back about a year I jumped (literally) into swimming but finally gave that up because the pool hours were very inconvenient and an hour of swimming required 2 hours out of the office (showering, changing, driving back to the office, etc.).  So I had to find something convenient that I could fit into my day.  I knew it would be walking but I just was not successful after my surgery.

Somehow this Garmin has made it all possible. By being able to clock the route I can commit to a mile walk every single day (it usually comes out to a bit more actually).  I came back from my walk today feeling, for the first time, like my old self.  AND, when I am in the zone with activity I find that eating choices become so much easier.  It's as if my body COMMANDS me to eat well and healthily.  Eating well and exercising go hand-in-hand for me.  Always has.  And after having lost that mojo for so many years, it is SO nice to have it back.

Miriam

Quiet time

I had a very interesting session yesterday, covering so many things that I was exhausted after 45 minutes when usually I want to go for a second hour!

I talked about my recent yearning and craving for quiet time.  I've been driving home from work at night swearing that I will set my alarm to get up just a little bit early and go to my beautiful quiet office - where I have purchased a "nursing" glider just for me (at one point I had purchased a comfy recliner just for me but it was reassigned to the living room).  But every morning I sleep late and dash out of the house, coffee in hand.  However, after yesterday's session, I did get up early this morning, and just sat quietly with my coffee in my beautiful personal room.  The feeling was so exquisite I actually started crying.  I read the second-day declaration from Joel Osteen's book "I Declare" and it was so nice to read it aloud and have the quiet and serenity to pay attention.

When I was in my office I looked around and realized that I have things from two of my aunts and my mother in there, and I just wrote a fourth sister to ask her if she would like to give me something of hers to complete the energy.  I also have a lovely portrait of my grandmother from when she was 16, done sometime in the 1800's that I will also hang in there to complete the energy of the Finkle women.  Anyway - it was a lovely way to start the day and not something that I will be apt to miss from hereon.

When I began talking about my yearning for quiet time and about how if I could just have a drop in cortisol levels then I would probably lose weight, my counselor talked to me about the autonomic nervous system (ANS).  From the way I live my life, my "fight or flight" branch of the ANS is in strong working order, but not so much the "rest and digest" branch, and that's what I am going to work on.  Finding some quiet time for myself is going to be a priority right now.  The wedding is over, my mother is not in any sort of crisis situation, my son is doing well, and, all in all, life is good.  No need to fight or flight it.

But how this all began is that I was telling her that I had a very strange episode on Monday night.  I was experiencing..... NOTHING!!!!!!  I sat quiet for a few minutes in the evening, and realized that I wasn't hungry and I wasn't full.  I was absolutely in the middle- not even a little bit to the right or left of middle.  I told her it was almost scary.  It is at that quiet moment that I usually jump up and eat and do my most destruction with nighttime eating.  It is always after dinner when I am NOT hungry at all.  Things are quiet.  I'm not necessarily even bored or lonely or stressed from the day.  I'm NOTHING....  With my overdeveloped "fight or flight" energy I always feel I have to be doing something, feeling something, EATING something.  It's uncomfortable to NOT be uncomfortable. LOL!

So she asked me to explore the tension between the fear of the quiet and the craving of the quiet.  That middle point of NOTHINGNESS, where I am torn between wanting to jump up and eat because I am afraid of the quiet and wanting to just sit with it and let it envelop me.  I am hoping that my morning exercise of sitting quietly in my special room will help me overcome the fear of quiet.  I believe that once I reach that point I can also defeat my need to be always eating and always on the go.

Have you had your quiet time today?
Miriam