Right now our family is facing a very sad situation. My mother is transitioning into the next stage of dementia. She is moving from mild/moderate into moderate/severe dementia. During this transition phase she is very agitated, crying that we don't love her and that she wants to kill herself. When we visited yesterday my brother had to leave the room he was so upset, but I stayed and talked with her for a while longer. I "prided" myself that I was able to take it better than my brother but the proof is in the pudding. Both yesterday and today I ate like there is no tomorrow. I guess I am not taking it better than my brother... I would have done better to leave the room.
So today I wanted to go to the pool, but I didn't want to go to the pool. I told myself that I would only go into the hot tub to stretch, then if I felt like doing anything else I would. So I did my stretches for 20 minutes, then went swimming, then decided I needed some pure fun so I got on an inner tube and just floated around the lazy river for a while. Then back in the hot tub for a last 5 minutes of relaxing. A nice long hot shower topped it off.
I get out of the gym and I'm so hungry! I hadn't brought lunch because we were without power for about 36 hours, and my fridge was empty. So, I went to Shaw's Supermarket and made myself a salad. I knew I was in trouble when I added the croutons. Then I went over to the hot food bar and got two slices of pizza and onion rings... oh and a bag of chips. before I got back to the office I had one slice of pizza and the onion rings. Back in the office I had the second slice of pizza. When I got home I had the bag of chips. Oh the salad? Haven't touched it.
So why am I writing this? Twofold - first, I need to see it myself. I need to acknowledge that I did this today, and ask myself WHY am I doing this? Well, I know why I am doing this - but the question is why isn't my drive to get better by taking weight off my knees more important than turning to food, when the food provides no solace whatsoever? It's not even the food that takes my mind off my "lost" mother and my helplessness - it's that when I am busy beating myself up and hating myself for eating so stupidly, I don't have room in my thoughts for anything else. The second reason I am writing this is that I have received a lot of comments about this blog (not just the comments that are posted for everyone to see - and by the way, I thank you ALL for doing so) - and you are all complimenting my upbeat attitude and my willingness to do whatever it takes to have a good recovery. I feel like a fraud when I look back to my onion rings and pizza (and all the other eating I have done that has kept me playing with the same 5 pounds for three months instead of taking anything off permanently) and I need to come clean. I am NOT doing what it takes to have a speedy recovery.
I have to keep repeating the serenity prayer that I wrote about yesterday. I can't change what is happening to my mother, but I can change the path my recovery takes. The change starts with me and my food choices. I declare this minute that I will not confuse what I cannot control with what I can control. My mother, as I know her, may be lost to me and I have no control over that, but my recovery can only be lost to me if *I* allow it to happen. Again, serenity now.................
Miriam
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Serenity now....
Hope you all weathered the storm. We were without power and phone for about 36 hours. I came home from work and emptied the freezer and fridge and brought it all to the trash, just as the lights flickered on. Some things could have been saved, but it was freeing: I got rid of all those bottles of salad dressing with 2 TBS in them; leftovers that I didn't like the first time around; and dairy and cold cuts that would have lasted only another day, at best. Tomorrow we'll wash out the fridge and freezer and start fresh!
So Friday I went to physical therapy and told my therapist that I had just reached my 3-month anniversary. She smiled and said "That's great - only nine more months to go!" I actually was ready to discharge myself - she said it is always best when it comes from the client. I have one more approved visit (although she had put in for more that week) and suggested that I take the appointment coming to me for one last stretch, massage, and instruction. It's funny - just a week prior I was so worried about stopping PT and here I was wanting to cancel even the one visit I have left.
I don't know what precipitated it. Maybe several things: First of all I am tired of taking the time out of my day to go to my appointment. When it was ALL I was doing and it was my top priority that was different. Now I am ready to get on with my life. Also, instead of exercising specifically I am finding that I am doing more real-life things. In other words, instead of practicing my stair exercises I am actually taking the stairs - up AND down. Instead of just practicing my balancing exercises I have started doing my belly dance drills, which require a great deal of balance. Instead of just doing my pool PT, I have started to do "real" swimming.
I have also come to terms with the fact that I do have nine more months to go. I understand that I will be in pain on and off. I understand that my knee will feel stiff and swollen - maybe even beyond the one-year mark. I understand that many things I long to do, will come in time, with strength and endurance. I understand that it's time to move into real life ... but still with patience and precautions.
I also realized - maybe just today - that having a total knee replacement was really a life-altering experience for me. Recovery became my total life priority. It has taught me to be humble, accepting help from anyone who has been kind enough to offer it. It has taught me to be patient. It has taught me that the world is filled with caring and loving people. It has taught me that I am one of the very lucky ones to be blessed with excellent medical insurance. It has taught me to realize my limitations, and to slow down and respect the needs of my body. It has taught me that everything can't get done - and when they don't, then the world keeps spinning and life goes on.
Something is happening in my family right now (my mother has transitioned into a more severe state of dementia and is not doing well in the nursing home, crying that we don't love her and she would rather kill herself than not live on her own in her apartment) and my sister (who lives 3000 miles away and does not deal with it except through emails) asked how I can "stand" it. I told her that since having the surgery I have come to appreciate the things that I cannot control, and to keep a cheerful, hopeful attitude anyway. And that really is the crux of why I call this surgery and recovery a "life-altering experience." It has taught me the true meaning of the serenity prayer:
So Friday I went to physical therapy and told my therapist that I had just reached my 3-month anniversary. She smiled and said "That's great - only nine more months to go!" I actually was ready to discharge myself - she said it is always best when it comes from the client. I have one more approved visit (although she had put in for more that week) and suggested that I take the appointment coming to me for one last stretch, massage, and instruction. It's funny - just a week prior I was so worried about stopping PT and here I was wanting to cancel even the one visit I have left.
I don't know what precipitated it. Maybe several things: First of all I am tired of taking the time out of my day to go to my appointment. When it was ALL I was doing and it was my top priority that was different. Now I am ready to get on with my life. Also, instead of exercising specifically I am finding that I am doing more real-life things. In other words, instead of practicing my stair exercises I am actually taking the stairs - up AND down. Instead of just practicing my balancing exercises I have started doing my belly dance drills, which require a great deal of balance. Instead of just doing my pool PT, I have started to do "real" swimming.
I have also come to terms with the fact that I do have nine more months to go. I understand that I will be in pain on and off. I understand that my knee will feel stiff and swollen - maybe even beyond the one-year mark. I understand that many things I long to do, will come in time, with strength and endurance. I understand that it's time to move into real life ... but still with patience and precautions.
I also realized - maybe just today - that having a total knee replacement was really a life-altering experience for me. Recovery became my total life priority. It has taught me to be humble, accepting help from anyone who has been kind enough to offer it. It has taught me to be patient. It has taught me that the world is filled with caring and loving people. It has taught me that I am one of the very lucky ones to be blessed with excellent medical insurance. It has taught me to realize my limitations, and to slow down and respect the needs of my body. It has taught me that everything can't get done - and when they don't, then the world keeps spinning and life goes on.
Something is happening in my family right now (my mother has transitioned into a more severe state of dementia and is not doing well in the nursing home, crying that we don't love her and she would rather kill herself than not live on her own in her apartment) and my sister (who lives 3000 miles away and does not deal with it except through emails) asked how I can "stand" it. I told her that since having the surgery I have come to appreciate the things that I cannot control, and to keep a cheerful, hopeful attitude anyway. And that really is the crux of why I call this surgery and recovery a "life-altering experience." It has taught me the true meaning of the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Miriam
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Three month anniversary
Well I made it! Not much to add beyond the 13-week anniversary just a couple of days ago, but I have noticed a couple of things that have improved even since last week. First of all, when I move my foot from the brake to the accelerator I don't have a huge tightness in my knee. Up to now, I've tried only to move my foot and not my whole leg, but I noticed that moving my leg is comfortable now. That's a huge thing, given how much driving I do.
The second thing that comes and goes in terms of being better (but it's better more often and longer than it was even a week ago) is the tightness in the muscle along side my leg. That's the muscle that has been taking a pounding with the hot tub jets. I have an electric hand-held deep massager - I should use that as well every day. But alas, I'm not doing everything everyday... I'm getting very complacent rather than compliant with my exercises. I swore I wouldn't, but it's happening. I always make sure I do my bending and stretching, but I'm not so good about all the other exercises. I have, however, started taking the steps up and down "foot-over-foot" when I can. There is NO way I can do it without a railing to unload some of the weight, but with a railing I can almost manage.
I'm still having just awful fatigue by the end of the day. I am in dire need of a blood test (I canceled my annual physical which was scheduled only a few weeks after surgery) - I don't know whether I have any deficiencies (usually the worst for me is Vitamin D) or whether it's just doing more and resting less.
How many of us fat gals resist facing the music? (Picture me with my hand up.) I am always traveling on the cusp of "pre-diabetes" and I figure if I avoid the blood tests then I will avoid the disease. Same for cholesterol. Same for getting on the scale at the doctor's office. Since I am on this new journey I think I have to just bite the bullet and reschedule my physical. Not right away though.... lol
In the eating department I have been having a hard time (who doesn't?). I am SO hungry on just the 1200 calories a day. I know that's pretty low so I am trying to adjust it to where it's just enough but I can still lose weight. I don't want to use it as an excuse, but my body is still healing, and every thing I do requires a tremendous amount of effort, so I'm thinking even if I go up in calorie I will still lose weight. I am also experimenting with "eat now pay later" and what I mean by that is that I am eating what is satisfying and THEN I look at the calorie count. I think,ultimately, that is a great way to do this anyway, because it makes me tune into my body and it's needs, and not just shovel in food because it's there and I planned for it.
So, I guess this journey takes everything into account....
Have a good day with yours!
Miriam
The second thing that comes and goes in terms of being better (but it's better more often and longer than it was even a week ago) is the tightness in the muscle along side my leg. That's the muscle that has been taking a pounding with the hot tub jets. I have an electric hand-held deep massager - I should use that as well every day. But alas, I'm not doing everything everyday... I'm getting very complacent rather than compliant with my exercises. I swore I wouldn't, but it's happening. I always make sure I do my bending and stretching, but I'm not so good about all the other exercises. I have, however, started taking the steps up and down "foot-over-foot" when I can. There is NO way I can do it without a railing to unload some of the weight, but with a railing I can almost manage.
I'm still having just awful fatigue by the end of the day. I am in dire need of a blood test (I canceled my annual physical which was scheduled only a few weeks after surgery) - I don't know whether I have any deficiencies (usually the worst for me is Vitamin D) or whether it's just doing more and resting less.
How many of us fat gals resist facing the music? (Picture me with my hand up.) I am always traveling on the cusp of "pre-diabetes" and I figure if I avoid the blood tests then I will avoid the disease. Same for cholesterol. Same for getting on the scale at the doctor's office. Since I am on this new journey I think I have to just bite the bullet and reschedule my physical. Not right away though.... lol
In the eating department I have been having a hard time (who doesn't?). I am SO hungry on just the 1200 calories a day. I know that's pretty low so I am trying to adjust it to where it's just enough but I can still lose weight. I don't want to use it as an excuse, but my body is still healing, and every thing I do requires a tremendous amount of effort, so I'm thinking even if I go up in calorie I will still lose weight. I am also experimenting with "eat now pay later" and what I mean by that is that I am eating what is satisfying and THEN I look at the calorie count. I think,ultimately, that is a great way to do this anyway, because it makes me tune into my body and it's needs, and not just shovel in food because it's there and I planned for it.
So, I guess this journey takes everything into account....
Have a good day with yours!
Miriam
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
13 weeks today!
And tomorrow will be, according to the calendar date, three months. I had to look back, as usual, to concretely see the progress I've made. A month ago I was just hailing the fact that I had taken my first solo drive. And keep in mind, that was probably only about 2 miles. With my commute and errands I am probably driving 60 miles a day now.
This morning when I got out of the car I made a point of counting a quick 1-2, 1-2, to get myself walking quickly. I was planning to walk my mile today, but if I don't get that done I'm okay with it because I will be going to the pool at lunch. I brought in my goggles and snorkel so I am hoping to do some "real" swimming. I just feel like a slug lately. In my mind I want to do everything (walk, swim, belly dance) but in my body I want to do NOTHING. Back to the usual - I really MUST be feeling better. Seems as though if I'm feeling better, but if I'm feeling better it means I'm more like my old self - and my old self NEVER liked to exercise!
Yesterday I did my land exercises for the first time in ages. The biggest challenge for me with those are the stairs. I think what I will start doing is (albeit slowly) actually go up and down stairs foot over foot (i.e., normally) instead of doing 10 of this and 10 of that. I tried without a railing, though, and that is out of the question. So as long as I have a railing (or my cane - which I rarely have with me anymore) I will do stairs for real. It's sort of the same as the walking. If I am going to walk I have to walk. If I am going to do stairs I have to do stairs. I appreciate that I have to do exercises to get to the point where I CAN do stairs, but also, I think the time has arrived where I actually have to do them. The difference, though, is that I won't do more than 20 up and down (translated as 10 on the TKR leg up and 10 on the TKR leg down).
I have also been doing very well with my dieting. I am hoping that it will ALL get easier if I am carrying less weight. As I had written, I've been toggling back and forth between calorie counting and WW, and I've settled on calorie counting. I am making a commitment to it until my birthday in September. The reason why it's a five-week commitment is that I have been using myfitnesspal.com and at the bottom of every day's food diary it says: If you ate like this every day you would be ___ in five weeks. So I took the weight they said the first day and counted five weeks out, and it came to exactly my birthday! I can give it at least until then!
The only thing I have taken a slight step back in is that I have had to break out the Vicodin again. I have been taking it either at bedtime or during the night, with two Tylenol. Even though I haven't been doing my prescribed exercises religiously, I have been doing more activity and I am just SO uncomfortable during the night. I find myself whimpering as I move about the bed during the night. All I have to say is that last night I fell asleep at 9PM, took a Vicodin when I woke up around 1AM, and then slept through until 7AM. I must have needed that sleep very badly, and I make no apologies that the Vicodin helped.
So here I am on the cusp of 3 months, looking ahead to the next three. My main goals are:
(1) Get up to walking at least 2 miles a day (five days a week);
(2) Stay committed to calorie counting within my daily limit as often as possible;
(3) Go to the pool twice a week; and
(4) Be able to do my belly dance drills without having to use a cane when I'm weighted on my TKR leg.
I can't do anything about the swelling, pain, other limitations. But, I can do what I set out to do.
Miriam
This morning when I got out of the car I made a point of counting a quick 1-2, 1-2, to get myself walking quickly. I was planning to walk my mile today, but if I don't get that done I'm okay with it because I will be going to the pool at lunch. I brought in my goggles and snorkel so I am hoping to do some "real" swimming. I just feel like a slug lately. In my mind I want to do everything (walk, swim, belly dance) but in my body I want to do NOTHING. Back to the usual - I really MUST be feeling better. Seems as though if I'm feeling better, but if I'm feeling better it means I'm more like my old self - and my old self NEVER liked to exercise!
Yesterday I did my land exercises for the first time in ages. The biggest challenge for me with those are the stairs. I think what I will start doing is (albeit slowly) actually go up and down stairs foot over foot (i.e., normally) instead of doing 10 of this and 10 of that. I tried without a railing, though, and that is out of the question. So as long as I have a railing (or my cane - which I rarely have with me anymore) I will do stairs for real. It's sort of the same as the walking. If I am going to walk I have to walk. If I am going to do stairs I have to do stairs. I appreciate that I have to do exercises to get to the point where I CAN do stairs, but also, I think the time has arrived where I actually have to do them. The difference, though, is that I won't do more than 20 up and down (translated as 10 on the TKR leg up and 10 on the TKR leg down).
I have also been doing very well with my dieting. I am hoping that it will ALL get easier if I am carrying less weight. As I had written, I've been toggling back and forth between calorie counting and WW, and I've settled on calorie counting. I am making a commitment to it until my birthday in September. The reason why it's a five-week commitment is that I have been using myfitnesspal.com and at the bottom of every day's food diary it says: If you ate like this every day you would be ___ in five weeks. So I took the weight they said the first day and counted five weeks out, and it came to exactly my birthday! I can give it at least until then!
The only thing I have taken a slight step back in is that I have had to break out the Vicodin again. I have been taking it either at bedtime or during the night, with two Tylenol. Even though I haven't been doing my prescribed exercises religiously, I have been doing more activity and I am just SO uncomfortable during the night. I find myself whimpering as I move about the bed during the night. All I have to say is that last night I fell asleep at 9PM, took a Vicodin when I woke up around 1AM, and then slept through until 7AM. I must have needed that sleep very badly, and I make no apologies that the Vicodin helped.
So here I am on the cusp of 3 months, looking ahead to the next three. My main goals are:
(1) Get up to walking at least 2 miles a day (five days a week);
(2) Stay committed to calorie counting within my daily limit as often as possible;
(3) Go to the pool twice a week; and
(4) Be able to do my belly dance drills without having to use a cane when I'm weighted on my TKR leg.
I can't do anything about the swelling, pain, other limitations. But, I can do what I set out to do.
Miriam
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Playing Hookey
Boy - I am SO exhausted and I haven't done my PT exercises yesterday or today (Saturday and Sunday). I have been doing some serious "running around" - and I just don't have the energy or wherewithall to do my exercises. I know that what I am doing counts for "something" but I'm feeling very naughty that I haven't done even my stretches. NADA. I'm not worried, though, that it signals the beginning of the end. It just signals that if I don't do what I'm supposed to do first thing in the morning it doesn't get done.
I think part of my "laziness" is that my PT session on Friday was glowing. I have reached 120 degrees range of motion, and my therapist said that my knee looks awesome (minimum of swelling, scar looks good). ALSO, the icing on the cake is that when she lifted my leg to do her hands-on stretch she asked me if I have lost weight. I told her I'm am dieting but the scale doesn't show it. She answered that she can really feel and see that I've firmed up since working with her.
I also did my belly dance steps again and she assured me that I will be just fine once I can put more weight on my leg, and build up endurance. My intention was to start on my drills immediately, but action, in my case, lags intention. I ABSOLUTELY will at least do five minutes of my drills tomorrow morning before I even get dressed, if that's what it takes to make sure I get them done before my day starts. Actually, as we "speak" my son is bringing up my BOSE from the basement (long packed-away belly dance suitcase) and I might even get them done today.
I had a hard night last night. Around 4AM I took a Vicodin and two Tylenols. Considering I didn't do a lick of exercise I was sort of puzzled by the pain - but like I said, I'm so much more active, and I'm sure that is it. I was still very loopy this morning - even by 10AM. I sure didn't feel that way at all when I was taking it during my recovery. I think now that it's out of my system the impact is greater when I take even one. I did feel better when I got up and I haven't taken anything else today, so it's still a victory in the medication department.
Except for today I have been doing very well on a "uber" plant-based diet. I was thinking this afternoon about what it would be like to drag a 40 pound box of kitty litter with me all over the place - but especially going upstairs. I know that when you have 40 pounds on your body it is evenly distributed and not the same as just carrying a box or bag that weighs 40 pounds, but still.. it wouldn't hurt my stair-climbing efforts to not be carrying this extra weight.
I've been toggling between Weight Watchers and counting calories. I just can't find my comfort zone. Maybe it's a myth to think I will ever be comfortable.... sigh.... But - I have other people than just my therapist tell me it looks like I have lost weight, so I guess the trick is to just keep trucking along - whichever way I do it!
Enjoy your week!
Miriam
p.s. If anyone wants to friend me on myfitnesspal.com please look for samida!
I think part of my "laziness" is that my PT session on Friday was glowing. I have reached 120 degrees range of motion, and my therapist said that my knee looks awesome (minimum of swelling, scar looks good). ALSO, the icing on the cake is that when she lifted my leg to do her hands-on stretch she asked me if I have lost weight. I told her I'm am dieting but the scale doesn't show it. She answered that she can really feel and see that I've firmed up since working with her.
I also did my belly dance steps again and she assured me that I will be just fine once I can put more weight on my leg, and build up endurance. My intention was to start on my drills immediately, but action, in my case, lags intention. I ABSOLUTELY will at least do five minutes of my drills tomorrow morning before I even get dressed, if that's what it takes to make sure I get them done before my day starts. Actually, as we "speak" my son is bringing up my BOSE from the basement (long packed-away belly dance suitcase) and I might even get them done today.
I had a hard night last night. Around 4AM I took a Vicodin and two Tylenols. Considering I didn't do a lick of exercise I was sort of puzzled by the pain - but like I said, I'm so much more active, and I'm sure that is it. I was still very loopy this morning - even by 10AM. I sure didn't feel that way at all when I was taking it during my recovery. I think now that it's out of my system the impact is greater when I take even one. I did feel better when I got up and I haven't taken anything else today, so it's still a victory in the medication department.
Except for today I have been doing very well on a "uber" plant-based diet. I was thinking this afternoon about what it would be like to drag a 40 pound box of kitty litter with me all over the place - but especially going upstairs. I know that when you have 40 pounds on your body it is evenly distributed and not the same as just carrying a box or bag that weighs 40 pounds, but still.. it wouldn't hurt my stair-climbing efforts to not be carrying this extra weight.
I've been toggling between Weight Watchers and counting calories. I just can't find my comfort zone. Maybe it's a myth to think I will ever be comfortable.... sigh.... But - I have other people than just my therapist tell me it looks like I have lost weight, so I guess the trick is to just keep trucking along - whichever way I do it!
Enjoy your week!
Miriam
p.s. If anyone wants to friend me on myfitnesspal.com please look for samida!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Am I really exercising?
Well, after yesterday's PT session I realized that if I am ever going to walk again the way I used to, then I have to walk! This morning after parking my car at work I took my cane and cell phone (both just for safety), and walked a 1/2 mile route. I knew if I went to my office first I would NEVER do it! I was just fine. When I go tomorrow I will bring the phone, but ditch the cane!
Then at lunch I went to the pool, did my pool PT and stretches, then water walking a few laps in the big pool. Tomorrow I am bringing my snorkel and goggles and I am going to get to work on REAL swimming. I am going to limit myself to four laps. Next week, if I wasn't in agony Saturday morning, I will extend it to six laps. I am also considering signing up for a water aerobics class that meets at noon twice a week starting in September.
I just got up from my desk and I'm as stiff as heck... like you are after you've been exercising and then you rest and then you get up. Hence, the title --- AM I REALLY EXERCISING???? lol
Now that I have started a brand-new journey with a brand-new body part (
) I thought it would be a good idea to be accountable to myself to get down to a weight that won't crumble my cement! For months I have flubbed around with all the various incarnations of WW and also calorie counting, and ALSO following diets that require no counting. Because I have WW on-line right now, which does not support any old programs, but find for me that the Points Plus just isn't doin' it for me, I've made my own modifications. I am using the on-line tracker, BUT am using the quick-add function to add 1 point for fruits and any HUGE veggie serving (like if I made salad a main course, and I filled a 6-8 cup bowl with it).
For those of you familiar with WW you know what I'm talking about. For those of you not familiar, it's a way of counting foods by points values instead of calories. I took my weight this morning and from here on I'll add a little something about weight loss (I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) along with my knee journey.
Okay --- so here's to moving well and eating well!
Miriam
P.S. I was asked yesterday (via a comment to yesterday's post) what can be done to load the leg. Rather than send a personal response I added another comment to answer, so that everyone, who needs the answer, can see it!
Then at lunch I went to the pool, did my pool PT and stretches, then water walking a few laps in the big pool. Tomorrow I am bringing my snorkel and goggles and I am going to get to work on REAL swimming. I am going to limit myself to four laps. Next week, if I wasn't in agony Saturday morning, I will extend it to six laps. I am also considering signing up for a water aerobics class that meets at noon twice a week starting in September.
I just got up from my desk and I'm as stiff as heck... like you are after you've been exercising and then you rest and then you get up. Hence, the title --- AM I REALLY EXERCISING???? lol
Now that I have started a brand-new journey with a brand-new body part (
) I thought it would be a good idea to be accountable to myself to get down to a weight that won't crumble my cement! For months I have flubbed around with all the various incarnations of WW and also calorie counting, and ALSO following diets that require no counting. Because I have WW on-line right now, which does not support any old programs, but find for me that the Points Plus just isn't doin' it for me, I've made my own modifications. I am using the on-line tracker, BUT am using the quick-add function to add 1 point for fruits and any HUGE veggie serving (like if I made salad a main course, and I filled a 6-8 cup bowl with it).For those of you familiar with WW you know what I'm talking about. For those of you not familiar, it's a way of counting foods by points values instead of calories. I took my weight this morning and from here on I'll add a little something about weight loss (I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) along with my knee journey.
Okay --- so here's to moving well and eating well!
Miriam
P.S. I was asked yesterday (via a comment to yesterday's post) what can be done to load the leg. Rather than send a personal response I added another comment to answer, so that everyone, who needs the answer, can see it!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
God works in VERY mysterious ways!
I've been thinking for a few days - but especially this morning - whether the TKR was the right decision. There is so much that is better but there is so much that is taking such a long time I feel it will never be right. I went back a month in my blog and I didn't see right away where the improvements have been. But then I thought about it - I just generally feel MUCH better. I didn't take so much as an Advil yesterday. I sleep through the night. I put away the shower chair and raised toilet seat. I'm planning my belly dancing classes for September. I guess it's just that I don't see a "leaps and bounds" improvement, and it's getting SO tiresome: The way I have to move so slowly, the way I fatigue so easily. the tightness and swelling in the knee... It's easy to lose sight of the tiny improvements... And it's easy to lose sight of the fact that it hasn't EVEN been three months since surgery (well almost) and not even two since my manipulation.
Anyway - I always say God works in mysterious ways. So I get to my PT appointment at 9:40AM. The receptionist says, "Well I HOPE your appointment isn't at 9:40, your therapist doesn't start the day until 10:20." Now I'm in a predicament. I don't have my car and my husband just dropped me off and went to the mechanic and I have to cancel the 4:20 appointment that I DO have because my husband goes to work at 3PM and I have no way to get there. So I waited about 5 minutes for my husband to get to the station, and I called over there to tell him to come back to get me. So I dial and the message is that the number is not in service. So I just sit and figure I have to wait an hour. WELL... the receptionist said that someone didn't show up for an evaluation and would I like the spot with the therapist. I happened to know her - because when I looked back a month in my blog this morning, SHE is the pool therapist that I had to beg to let me off 5 minutes early because she was giving me such a workout I was sweating in the pool! I said sure and so there I was.
But the best part about this appointment was that I had brought my belly dancing drills with me - I'm afraid I won't be getting more appointments from the insurance because I'm doing so well (or so they say!) and I wanted to go through all the steps to see what is safe and possible. EVERYTHING is safe and possible - although my leg might not be ready yet for the support I need when I need to load the leg to work on the opposite hip.
She has a different view of things than the therapists I have been working with. All of them are excellent, but each one has their special exercises or ways they like to do things (although it's excellent to work with the same therapist throughout - it doesn't hurt once in a while to work with a different one!). She gave me some balancing and weight bearing exercises way above and beyond what I had been doing up to this point. She also gave me some exercises that will help with stairs - a totally different approach than what my current therapist is having me do. Her take on my difficulty with stairs (and with regard to being able to do my belly dance steps) is that it's not quad strength alone that needs to be addressed - I have to learn to load the leg with my weight. I could not believe the exercises she gave me! I can already see what a difference they will make. She also gave me "in-depth" balance exercises that I need for my dancing (and walking!).
I felt so good and renewed when I left the appointment. The minute I got home I ran to my schedule and not on ANY day did it say 9:40AM for an appointment. Yet - not only did I read it last night so I would know what time to be ready this morning, I read my appointment sheet again this morning before leaving just to make sure I was running on time. What made my eyes and brain see 9:40? Was it so that I could work with this therapist? (Not to mention - what made her scheduled appointment not show up???)
Anyway - now I have even MORE exercises to do at home. But these balance and weight bearing exercises are so important I am going to start doing those, along with my belly dance drill (which runs 11 1/2 minutes) and my stretches. That should still take me to an hour - Sigh.... this getting better is truly a full time job. It's not for wimps and wussies!
Miriam
p.s. to Jan - Yes - I also like South Beach a lot (except for the no-fruit phase). I am counting calories on myfitnesspal, but I'm following a no-processed or refined food avenue. I'm also making more non-animal protein choices. Feeling better already!
Anyway - I always say God works in mysterious ways. So I get to my PT appointment at 9:40AM. The receptionist says, "Well I HOPE your appointment isn't at 9:40, your therapist doesn't start the day until 10:20." Now I'm in a predicament. I don't have my car and my husband just dropped me off and went to the mechanic and I have to cancel the 4:20 appointment that I DO have because my husband goes to work at 3PM and I have no way to get there. So I waited about 5 minutes for my husband to get to the station, and I called over there to tell him to come back to get me. So I dial and the message is that the number is not in service. So I just sit and figure I have to wait an hour. WELL... the receptionist said that someone didn't show up for an evaluation and would I like the spot with the therapist. I happened to know her - because when I looked back a month in my blog this morning, SHE is the pool therapist that I had to beg to let me off 5 minutes early because she was giving me such a workout I was sweating in the pool! I said sure and so there I was.
But the best part about this appointment was that I had brought my belly dancing drills with me - I'm afraid I won't be getting more appointments from the insurance because I'm doing so well (or so they say!) and I wanted to go through all the steps to see what is safe and possible. EVERYTHING is safe and possible - although my leg might not be ready yet for the support I need when I need to load the leg to work on the opposite hip.
She has a different view of things than the therapists I have been working with. All of them are excellent, but each one has their special exercises or ways they like to do things (although it's excellent to work with the same therapist throughout - it doesn't hurt once in a while to work with a different one!). She gave me some balancing and weight bearing exercises way above and beyond what I had been doing up to this point. She also gave me some exercises that will help with stairs - a totally different approach than what my current therapist is having me do. Her take on my difficulty with stairs (and with regard to being able to do my belly dance steps) is that it's not quad strength alone that needs to be addressed - I have to learn to load the leg with my weight. I could not believe the exercises she gave me! I can already see what a difference they will make. She also gave me "in-depth" balance exercises that I need for my dancing (and walking!).
I felt so good and renewed when I left the appointment. The minute I got home I ran to my schedule and not on ANY day did it say 9:40AM for an appointment. Yet - not only did I read it last night so I would know what time to be ready this morning, I read my appointment sheet again this morning before leaving just to make sure I was running on time. What made my eyes and brain see 9:40? Was it so that I could work with this therapist? (Not to mention - what made her scheduled appointment not show up???)
Anyway - now I have even MORE exercises to do at home. But these balance and weight bearing exercises are so important I am going to start doing those, along with my belly dance drill (which runs 11 1/2 minutes) and my stretches. That should still take me to an hour - Sigh.... this getting better is truly a full time job. It's not for wimps and wussies!
Miriam
p.s. to Jan - Yes - I also like South Beach a lot (except for the no-fruit phase). I am counting calories on myfitnesspal, but I'm following a no-processed or refined food avenue. I'm also making more non-animal protein choices. Feeling better already!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Rain rain go away............
Boy - I have been experiencing a double dip... my therapist warned me that I will have plenty of low days along the way... but the rainy damp weather we have been having here in Boston is NOT helpful toward steering away from the dips. It's enough to make a girl want to move to Arizona! But, I do have a "NSV" to report: We took the raised toilet seat out of the bathroom yesterday because we were having company that might have needed to spill into the extra bathroom. I am almost thinking of telling my husband he doesn't need to put it back. And, if he is going to put away the raised toilet seat, I suppose the shower seat can go as well. Okay - that's what I will hold on to today while my knee is stiff and sore and aching.
My friend - over at her website: "New knees - the good, the bad and the ugly" (http://washdryandfold.blogspot.com) had a whole list of ponderings that she had at 4 1/2 months after surgery and is updating as time goes by. It's funny how I am asking myself the EXACT same things, so it's so good for me to follow her progress and know what I may be in for - even though everyone's recovery is different.
The things she is pondering are the things that are making me sad and wondering about having had this done (no, I'm not doubting it... just wondering about it is all...) - and to see that she has the exact same questions - but is making slow but sure progress (and she had TWO knees done!), makes me feel better. (No, not better that we are both "suffering" but that the problems are the same and if she is making progress it means I will too.) Some of the things are: Will my knees always be stiff? (Different from arthritis stiff - which is what I noticed even in the hospital, but they are still stiff in a post-operative way.) Will I be able to descent stairs without pain or stop listing to one side? (That reminds me - I have to call the doctor tomorrow - I may need a small lift in my non-operated leg's shoe - my legs are bowed, and he straightened out the one leg with the knee replacement, making it longer than the other, that remains slightly bowed.) When will I have more stamina and strength (OMG .... was I JUST talking about the fatigue I have with everything I do???)? But the one that I had to laugh at, and which I totally share: Will I ever be able to stand up from a sitting position and immediately start walking? When I get up with the intention of walking I have to stand there for a minute while my mind sends the message to my legs to MOVE. It's just so odd how walking doesn't happen the minute you get up to do it!
Anyway - THANK YOU Miss. Wash-dry-and-fold! And you sort of made the point of my blog too - I wrote this so other people would have something to compare their own experiences to, as well as to be able to look back myself and compare one date's experience against another date's progress.
So as I noted in an earlier blog this whole "new me" thing includes dieting. Has anyone heard of (or seen on PBS) Dr. Joel Fuhrman and his "Eat to Live" diet? It is heavily vegetarian even though there is a non-vegetarian option (which allows animal protein just twice a week). I'm cycling through WW, counting calories, and this. I'm leaning towards "Eat to Live" - for me it is a very natural way of eating, and cutting out a lot of fats, animal protein, and processed foods is cutting down on my cravings. I am not willing to do the animal protein only twice a week, though, but am comfortable with one small serving once a day. I still like South Beach a lot - but not phase 1 with no fruit. I think the trick is to do what the physical therapists are begging me to do with my exercises: LISTEN TO MY BODY. TRUST MYSELF. Do you think I can do it with eating too???? That would be a nice complete healthy picture!
Anyhoo - if anyone has tried "Eat to Live" please let me know!
Miriam
My friend - over at her website: "New knees - the good, the bad and the ugly" (http://washdryandfold.blogspot.com) had a whole list of ponderings that she had at 4 1/2 months after surgery and is updating as time goes by. It's funny how I am asking myself the EXACT same things, so it's so good for me to follow her progress and know what I may be in for - even though everyone's recovery is different.
The things she is pondering are the things that are making me sad and wondering about having had this done (no, I'm not doubting it... just wondering about it is all...) - and to see that she has the exact same questions - but is making slow but sure progress (and she had TWO knees done!), makes me feel better. (No, not better that we are both "suffering" but that the problems are the same and if she is making progress it means I will too.) Some of the things are: Will my knees always be stiff? (Different from arthritis stiff - which is what I noticed even in the hospital, but they are still stiff in a post-operative way.) Will I be able to descent stairs without pain or stop listing to one side? (That reminds me - I have to call the doctor tomorrow - I may need a small lift in my non-operated leg's shoe - my legs are bowed, and he straightened out the one leg with the knee replacement, making it longer than the other, that remains slightly bowed.) When will I have more stamina and strength (OMG .... was I JUST talking about the fatigue I have with everything I do???)? But the one that I had to laugh at, and which I totally share: Will I ever be able to stand up from a sitting position and immediately start walking? When I get up with the intention of walking I have to stand there for a minute while my mind sends the message to my legs to MOVE. It's just so odd how walking doesn't happen the minute you get up to do it!
Anyway - THANK YOU Miss. Wash-dry-and-fold! And you sort of made the point of my blog too - I wrote this so other people would have something to compare their own experiences to, as well as to be able to look back myself and compare one date's experience against another date's progress.
So as I noted in an earlier blog this whole "new me" thing includes dieting. Has anyone heard of (or seen on PBS) Dr. Joel Fuhrman and his "Eat to Live" diet? It is heavily vegetarian even though there is a non-vegetarian option (which allows animal protein just twice a week). I'm cycling through WW, counting calories, and this. I'm leaning towards "Eat to Live" - for me it is a very natural way of eating, and cutting out a lot of fats, animal protein, and processed foods is cutting down on my cravings. I am not willing to do the animal protein only twice a week, though, but am comfortable with one small serving once a day. I still like South Beach a lot - but not phase 1 with no fruit. I think the trick is to do what the physical therapists are begging me to do with my exercises: LISTEN TO MY BODY. TRUST MYSELF. Do you think I can do it with eating too???? That would be a nice complete healthy picture!
Anyhoo - if anyone has tried "Eat to Live" please let me know!
Miriam
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Ready or not?
I went to my PT appointment yesterday and was told that as it stands I have five more visits approved. It's not a done deal, and they will of course put in for more, but it got me to thinking... Do I need more? I think it's a decision to be made by myself as much as by the therapist. I was telling her that even though I have good range of motion (ROM) now, I am still concerned about strength and thought I would need PT exercises for strength. The therapist said that strength comes in time. She laughed and said that the knee's job is to bend and straighten - that's it. And if I can do that (which now I can) then the insurance company may not approve any more visits.
Another one of my concerns is that I start teaching my belly dance classes on September 24th and I'm not sure what I can and cannot do safely. I am going to bring in the drills that I use in class (should I bring the music too? lol ) and go over each step with her to make sure that I don't do anything that I'm not ready for. Whether I have the strength and endurance is another question - I just have to make sure they are safe to do.
I also got somewhat scolded yesterday (but lovingly, I assure you). My regular therapist is on vacation and I was working with the one that I had for pool therapy. She's the one who wrote WITH BIG LETTERS on the top of my exercise sheet: CONQUER THE FEAR. I asked her some questions about my home therapy and pool therapy and she just looked at me. "Asked and answered" she said. She pointed out that every single thing I asked both she and the other therapist has answered over and over for me. She said that she gets the feeling that I'm not listening and it's very frustrating for them. I told her it's more that my mind can't process the answers.
What I mean by that is that the questions involve things about how much should I do of this and that. Will I hurt myself by overworking my knee. What is safe and not safe. The answers are: Listen to your body. If it tells you to stop then stop. If you listen you will not hurt yourself. I tried to explain to her that the reason it is so hard for me to process the answers is that I spent close to 7 years in pain. I worked through it. I danced through it. I raced through it (I did two 5K races with a titanium brace on my knee with my cryocuff waiting for me at the finish line). I spent 7 years learning how to ignore my body screaming out in pain. I learned not to respect it. It's a whole new world now without the arthritis. If I feel pain it's not something to work/dance/race through. It's something to listen to.
Once I go through all my belly dancing moves with my therapist and she says my ROM is the best that it can be then maybe I have to consider not even using the five more visits that I have. If I can accept and digest the message they have been giving me for two months - "Listen to my body. STOP if it hurts" - then I know enough on my own to continue my PT at home or at the pool. I'm scared and yet excited.....
Miriam
Another one of my concerns is that I start teaching my belly dance classes on September 24th and I'm not sure what I can and cannot do safely. I am going to bring in the drills that I use in class (should I bring the music too? lol ) and go over each step with her to make sure that I don't do anything that I'm not ready for. Whether I have the strength and endurance is another question - I just have to make sure they are safe to do.
I also got somewhat scolded yesterday (but lovingly, I assure you). My regular therapist is on vacation and I was working with the one that I had for pool therapy. She's the one who wrote WITH BIG LETTERS on the top of my exercise sheet: CONQUER THE FEAR. I asked her some questions about my home therapy and pool therapy and she just looked at me. "Asked and answered" she said. She pointed out that every single thing I asked both she and the other therapist has answered over and over for me. She said that she gets the feeling that I'm not listening and it's very frustrating for them. I told her it's more that my mind can't process the answers.
What I mean by that is that the questions involve things about how much should I do of this and that. Will I hurt myself by overworking my knee. What is safe and not safe. The answers are: Listen to your body. If it tells you to stop then stop. If you listen you will not hurt yourself. I tried to explain to her that the reason it is so hard for me to process the answers is that I spent close to 7 years in pain. I worked through it. I danced through it. I raced through it (I did two 5K races with a titanium brace on my knee with my cryocuff waiting for me at the finish line). I spent 7 years learning how to ignore my body screaming out in pain. I learned not to respect it. It's a whole new world now without the arthritis. If I feel pain it's not something to work/dance/race through. It's something to listen to.
Once I go through all my belly dancing moves with my therapist and she says my ROM is the best that it can be then maybe I have to consider not even using the five more visits that I have. If I can accept and digest the message they have been giving me for two months - "Listen to my body. STOP if it hurts" - then I know enough on my own to continue my PT at home or at the pool. I'm scared and yet excited.....
Miriam
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Exhausted but Happy....
OMG you would have thought I was in the throes of an orgasm. I rejoined the FitRec center where I work and as I lowered my body into the hot tub I was: "OMG..OMG oh yes.... oh yes... ahh...OMG..." I had forgotten how much I love the hot tub with its strong jets, lovely seating, and hot HOT water. I almost didn't make it - a truck was blocking me for more than 1/2 hour and I had just about given up but I had signed up that morning, and by hook or by crook I was going to get there.
I started with my water PT in the recreation pool - a nice warm pool that is about 5 feet at its deepest. There are lanes for swimming on one half, and the other half is an open area with jacuzzi jets at the end. What is nice is that there is ramp going into it (it's outfitted for use with wheel chairs) so although I used the stairs to get out it was nice to ease into it via the ramp. Following about 30 minutes of exercises I went to the hot tub for a full stretch.
There I did all my stretches, as well as the stair lunges that I cannot handle on land. Being in the warm water eases my joint enough to do it without discomfort. I also used the jets for massage - there is some muscle along the outside of my leg that is just so tight it won't budge except under the hands of my therapist. It was so painful - but so good. I didn't do the massage as long as I would have liked because I don't want to beat up the muscle either -- I just want to loosen it a little bit. When I next see my therapist I'll see what she says.
THEN - I went into the olympic pool (a little cooler than the recreation pool and truly olympic sized). I did "cycling" and all my deep-water exercises, like scissors kicks, etc. I used to swim a mile a day, but I didn't do any swimming today. I'm still afraid of kicking, as every time I did it in my own pool I paid the piper the next day. Maybe as I get stronger with my pool PT I will venture into swimming.
The BEST part of it all was that went up the steps that are built into the side of the pool. It takes more upper body strength than anything, as I have to pull myself out of the pool, but I didn't have any trouble at all. I was so tempted to make a second trip to the hot tub after this, but headed for the showers instead. It was so pleasurable that I had to talk myself into being careful. I also am going to aim to do this only twice a week to start. I tend to get very gung-ho about stuff like this, then I burn out something awful. I won't let that happen this time.
I'm happy that I renewed my membership. The past couple of days I have just had this longing to get in their pool and I'm glad I saw it through. The fitness equipment is fabulous and there is also a rubber track that will be so good for my knees if I want to start walking it. I swear, I could spend 3 hours at a time at the gym if I let myself! I already spend close to two just using the pool.
So anyway - exhausted but happy....
Miriam
I started with my water PT in the recreation pool - a nice warm pool that is about 5 feet at its deepest. There are lanes for swimming on one half, and the other half is an open area with jacuzzi jets at the end. What is nice is that there is ramp going into it (it's outfitted for use with wheel chairs) so although I used the stairs to get out it was nice to ease into it via the ramp. Following about 30 minutes of exercises I went to the hot tub for a full stretch.
There I did all my stretches, as well as the stair lunges that I cannot handle on land. Being in the warm water eases my joint enough to do it without discomfort. I also used the jets for massage - there is some muscle along the outside of my leg that is just so tight it won't budge except under the hands of my therapist. It was so painful - but so good. I didn't do the massage as long as I would have liked because I don't want to beat up the muscle either -- I just want to loosen it a little bit. When I next see my therapist I'll see what she says.
THEN - I went into the olympic pool (a little cooler than the recreation pool and truly olympic sized). I did "cycling" and all my deep-water exercises, like scissors kicks, etc. I used to swim a mile a day, but I didn't do any swimming today. I'm still afraid of kicking, as every time I did it in my own pool I paid the piper the next day. Maybe as I get stronger with my pool PT I will venture into swimming.
The BEST part of it all was that went up the steps that are built into the side of the pool. It takes more upper body strength than anything, as I have to pull myself out of the pool, but I didn't have any trouble at all. I was so tempted to make a second trip to the hot tub after this, but headed for the showers instead. It was so pleasurable that I had to talk myself into being careful. I also am going to aim to do this only twice a week to start. I tend to get very gung-ho about stuff like this, then I burn out something awful. I won't let that happen this time.
I'm happy that I renewed my membership. The past couple of days I have just had this longing to get in their pool and I'm glad I saw it through. The fitness equipment is fabulous and there is also a rubber track that will be so good for my knees if I want to start walking it. I swear, I could spend 3 hours at a time at the gym if I let myself! I already spend close to two just using the pool.
So anyway - exhausted but happy....
Miriam
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Merry Maid....NOT
Well - I had visions of grandeur. I was going to clean my house.... 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off. I made it through one wall of kitchen cabinets and was totally done for the day. I remember when I used to do the entire kitchen and at least three more rooms before I called it quits for the day. The sheer fatigue is what still amazes me. I "rested" for a few hours then went out with the car to do a little shopping, but was back within an hour. I fell asleep at 7 and woke up at 10. OMG - it was like I had been working non-stop for hours... (I was back asleep at 2, but woke up around 4:30 with burning medial pain - nothing to do with what I had done that day... just something that happens.)
However, that being said, I am still thinking to what I am doing now that I wasn't doing a month ago. I totally forgot that now I drive myself to PT - and that's a huge stride. And really, I couldn't have done what I did in the kitchen - with or without fatigue - even a couple of weeks ago. Gives whole new meaning to the phrase "baby steps."
I was talking to my therapist about the horrible medial compartment pain I am still having. She asked if that is where my arthritis was (affirmative!). She said that her patients who have had arthritis in the medial compartment continue to experience pain there (even though the arthritis is gone and there is no longer bone-on-bone condition) but that eventually it goes away. So that gave me hope - and faith that she is correct and that will be my experience too.
Speaking of hope and faith - I am a huge fan of Joel Osteen (my husband calls him my boyfriend). Today's sermon was on talking to your mountains. It's not enough to pray for things to get better, or to hope things get better. You actually have to address the mountain(s) in your life and tell it that it is no longer welcome in your life. He said to actually speak to your mountains - so I am speaking to mine: "Knee - thank you for being new, and of the best technology available. Thank you for being cared for by a super surgeon and great physical therapists. Thank you for supporting me when I walk and sit and bend and swim and drive and wash the kitchen cabinets. I need you to continue on your path to recovery and to get stronger and less swollen and I need you to stop screaming at me every time you might be tired or unhappy or uncomfortable. I need you to stop being a mountain and thank you in advance for becoming a molehill."
In addition to talking to my knee I need to talk to my weight. Joel said that when you face an addiction (and there is no way around it... I turn to food as surely as other people turn to drugs, cigarettes and alcohol) you have to speak to it and say: "The power in me is greater than the power in you." I once read a book where the author said that every time you face down food you should say something like: "I refuse to take orders from a cookie." I realize that part of the reason my medial compartment may be screaming at me is because it wants to get my attention to take some weight off it. (Skinny people have knee problems too and their medial compartments may scream just as loudly... but I'm sure mine is particularly complaining because of the weight.)
When I named this blog "New Knee New Me" I wasn't just talking about the knee. I was talking about how, in having this operation, my whole life is going to change around. I've already taken steps by faithfully doing my exercises, and I know that I will keep up with this my whole life (I have to: "Motion is lotion" and if I don't keep up with fitness I might as well have never had the operation). However, I have to get a handle on my eating. I am not going to play the blame game - as much as I have had healthy food available to me it hasn't been easy being home for 2 1/2 months, nor going back to work and getting used to a schedule where I have to pack food for the day AND have a healthy dinner waiting. But, if I can wash kitchen cabinets and drive myself to physical therapy and go back to work, it's time to tackle this mountain as well. So... I'm adding my food journey to my knee journey from here on.
Watch out world - there are going to be very few mountains still standing when I get done with you!
Have a great day!
Miriam
However, that being said, I am still thinking to what I am doing now that I wasn't doing a month ago. I totally forgot that now I drive myself to PT - and that's a huge stride. And really, I couldn't have done what I did in the kitchen - with or without fatigue - even a couple of weeks ago. Gives whole new meaning to the phrase "baby steps."
I was talking to my therapist about the horrible medial compartment pain I am still having. She asked if that is where my arthritis was (affirmative!). She said that her patients who have had arthritis in the medial compartment continue to experience pain there (even though the arthritis is gone and there is no longer bone-on-bone condition) but that eventually it goes away. So that gave me hope - and faith that she is correct and that will be my experience too.
Speaking of hope and faith - I am a huge fan of Joel Osteen (my husband calls him my boyfriend). Today's sermon was on talking to your mountains. It's not enough to pray for things to get better, or to hope things get better. You actually have to address the mountain(s) in your life and tell it that it is no longer welcome in your life. He said to actually speak to your mountains - so I am speaking to mine: "Knee - thank you for being new, and of the best technology available. Thank you for being cared for by a super surgeon and great physical therapists. Thank you for supporting me when I walk and sit and bend and swim and drive and wash the kitchen cabinets. I need you to continue on your path to recovery and to get stronger and less swollen and I need you to stop screaming at me every time you might be tired or unhappy or uncomfortable. I need you to stop being a mountain and thank you in advance for becoming a molehill."
In addition to talking to my knee I need to talk to my weight. Joel said that when you face an addiction (and there is no way around it... I turn to food as surely as other people turn to drugs, cigarettes and alcohol) you have to speak to it and say: "The power in me is greater than the power in you." I once read a book where the author said that every time you face down food you should say something like: "I refuse to take orders from a cookie." I realize that part of the reason my medial compartment may be screaming at me is because it wants to get my attention to take some weight off it. (Skinny people have knee problems too and their medial compartments may scream just as loudly... but I'm sure mine is particularly complaining because of the weight.)
When I named this blog "New Knee New Me" I wasn't just talking about the knee. I was talking about how, in having this operation, my whole life is going to change around. I've already taken steps by faithfully doing my exercises, and I know that I will keep up with this my whole life (I have to: "Motion is lotion" and if I don't keep up with fitness I might as well have never had the operation). However, I have to get a handle on my eating. I am not going to play the blame game - as much as I have had healthy food available to me it hasn't been easy being home for 2 1/2 months, nor going back to work and getting used to a schedule where I have to pack food for the day AND have a healthy dinner waiting. But, if I can wash kitchen cabinets and drive myself to physical therapy and go back to work, it's time to tackle this mountain as well. So... I'm adding my food journey to my knee journey from here on.
Watch out world - there are going to be very few mountains still standing when I get done with you!
Have a great day!
Miriam
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Looking back a month
Yesterday, at my physical therapist's suggestion, I looked back to where I was a month ago. If for nothing else, and if I write nothing else, this blog has served one of it's main purposes - to remind me of my daily victories along the way. I looked back to July 3rd - I was only contemplating going in the pool, and wished I could go in some day soon. I had decided that I still need crutches in the driveway because of the slight incline - and a cane was not safe enough for me. July 4th I actually walked into the pool with all my clothes on because I had only planned to put my feet in ... And all through the month I was still working out a Vicodan-Percocet-Tylenol schedule. Oh my, I guess I HAVE made progress.
Her point was not to be discouraged because a month from NOW I will be where I can't even imagine, and another month from then I will be even further along in my recovery.
Today I was very careful about getting up often and walking around. I even did my marching exercise up and down the hall when no one was looking. I also put my leg up during lunch. It resulted in a much better day overall, and a better commute. I also did ALL my exercises before work, and I iced and elevated while I enjoyed my breakfast and coffee. Oh - and I did something I have NEVER done - (really, you can believe me) I brought home a pizza because I decided I was just too pooped to make dinner! (I'm learning! lol)
I don't know what clicked. Maybe it was going back and reading where I was a month ago. I just got out of bed and decided that it was going to be a good day, and it was!
Signing off to head to bed - it was a full and a good day!
Miriam
Her point was not to be discouraged because a month from NOW I will be where I can't even imagine, and another month from then I will be even further along in my recovery.
Today I was very careful about getting up often and walking around. I even did my marching exercise up and down the hall when no one was looking. I also put my leg up during lunch. It resulted in a much better day overall, and a better commute. I also did ALL my exercises before work, and I iced and elevated while I enjoyed my breakfast and coffee. Oh - and I did something I have NEVER done - (really, you can believe me) I brought home a pizza because I decided I was just too pooped to make dinner! (I'm learning! lol)
I don't know what clicked. Maybe it was going back and reading where I was a month ago. I just got out of bed and decided that it was going to be a good day, and it was!
Signing off to head to bed - it was a full and a good day!
Miriam
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Become One with the Noodle
I got all dressed ready to go to work this morning - even packed my lunch and had everything by the door... then just sighed and said "I can't do it." I had such a miserable and worrisome time of it yesterday - my body was just screaming to stay home and put my feet up. So I did. And I feel better.
I talked everything over with my physical therapist and she said that she "warned" me that there was going to be a lot of dips in the road and this was one of them. She also said that the awful shooting pain I had in my leg while driving home yesterday might just have been spasms - not so much because my feet were down but because I didn't move around ENOUGH. She said that from now on I have to set a timer and get up every 20 minutes and walk, do a few knee bends...SOMETHING, but get moving.
I also talked about the overwhelming fatigue that I was feeling. She said that, in part, it might be because I was in and out of the car, and walking long lengths, but mostly it was probably mental fatigue. Everything I wrote about yesterday - the getting dressed, worrying about needing laundry done, packing lunch, worrying about dinner when I got home, thinking about work stuff, etc. She said that for 10 weeks my ONLY concern was resting, doing my exercises, and taking care of MY immediate needs. Changing all that is reason enough for fatigue - THINKING about changing all that is reason enough for fatigue!
She gave me MORE exercises... but in fairness, we took a couple off the table. She stressed once again that all the up and about counts as exercise, and that I have to listen to my body - if I am exhausted when I get home don't worry. We also laughed because she told me to "become one with the noodle" when I told her that I haven't been going in the pool much because I wanted to avoid exercising and swimming, as too much was making things worse. She said - CHILL!!!!!!! Float! Become one with the noodle! wow - whatta concept!
Miriam
I talked everything over with my physical therapist and she said that she "warned" me that there was going to be a lot of dips in the road and this was one of them. She also said that the awful shooting pain I had in my leg while driving home yesterday might just have been spasms - not so much because my feet were down but because I didn't move around ENOUGH. She said that from now on I have to set a timer and get up every 20 minutes and walk, do a few knee bends...SOMETHING, but get moving.
I also talked about the overwhelming fatigue that I was feeling. She said that, in part, it might be because I was in and out of the car, and walking long lengths, but mostly it was probably mental fatigue. Everything I wrote about yesterday - the getting dressed, worrying about needing laundry done, packing lunch, worrying about dinner when I got home, thinking about work stuff, etc. She said that for 10 weeks my ONLY concern was resting, doing my exercises, and taking care of MY immediate needs. Changing all that is reason enough for fatigue - THINKING about changing all that is reason enough for fatigue!
She gave me MORE exercises... but in fairness, we took a couple off the table. She stressed once again that all the up and about counts as exercise, and that I have to listen to my body - if I am exhausted when I get home don't worry. We also laughed because she told me to "become one with the noodle" when I told her that I haven't been going in the pool much because I wanted to avoid exercising and swimming, as too much was making things worse. She said - CHILL!!!!!!! Float! Become one with the noodle! wow - whatta concept!
Miriam
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
An observation and some disappointments....Happy Anniversary!
Today is week 10 since surgery on Tuesday, May 24th!!!!
My son made a very astute observation yesterday when he saw me come home from work and walk around the house doing things. He said that I seem to be better than, or at least the same place as, before I went in for surgery. Therefore even if I didn't get better from this point on I was no worse off. It really got me to thinking that I AM going to get better, so I can look forward really to a life that I haven't had for at least the past three years.
However, on the drive home today I realized how disappointed and discouraged I am about some things. I know I am only 20% into my recovery (10th week of 52). Since I am no worse than I was on May 23rd I have to have faith that it is only going to get better from here.
What are the disappointments? That I still have to walk SO slowly. And I have trouble with things like walking on an incline. I have three options for getting out of my building: A first floor entrance has a handicap ramp and is direct access to where I park; the second first floor entrance has very steep stairs going down and is a LONG walk to where I park my car; I can go down to the basement on narrow dangerous steps, then back up again 1/2 a flight to get outside to near where I park my car. No-brainer - I take the handicap ramp but I have to hold on for dear life because although it is not exceptionally steep I still cannot walk safely on an incline.
Then while driving home I had shooting pains up and down my leg. Whether they went up from the foot or down from the knee I couldn't tell. All I know was I was in pain and it wasn't a pleasant hour-long drive. I have to ask my therapist what is going on with that. I was okay all day long except for the drive.
THEN, I had to stop at Staples and Trader Joe's. OMG I move like a snail. It really did feel like it used to be before surgery where I couldn't wait to get off my feet. However, now I didn't have pain in my knee. I sort of had an overall "discomfort" of just feeling exhausted, and logy, and dying to sit down. Before surgery, though, I would have all that AND be in pain, so I guess it is an improvement.
I wanted to make a few other stops (like pick up Mederma at CVS, or even going through the drive-through window at the bank) but I couldn't, for the life of me imagine not going straight home. Where there IS a difference is that before the surgery I would push through the pain until I couldn't stand it anymore - I might have made 5 stops on the way home - but this time it was just a general fatigue of not being able to be on my feet anymore.
I also am having a really hard time getting back into real life. It's only Tuesday and I am already overwhelmed. Thinking about dinner - shopping for it and cooking and cleaning up, packing my lunch in the morning, planning my day. I have to think about what to wear, do I need to do laundry? etc. etc. Going from zero to 100 in 24 hours.... I could work less hours at work but that doesn't impact the basic difficulty with my day. I still have to commute. I still have to plan (and/or pack) my meals and snacks for the day. I still have to figure out what I will have enough energy for in terms of tending to everything that I have neglected for 10 weeks. Oh - and never mind keeping up with housework. I've turned a blind eye for 2 1/2 months (as helpful as my husband and son have been, you know no one does it like MOI) but since other parts of my life are getting into gear it's harder to ignore the house.
I'm not depressed about it. Just amazed and overwhelmed. I knew that I wouldn't get back into the swing of things immediately (just as I knew what to expect after surgery). I have very realistic expectations. But the AMOUNT of things that I can't back into the swing of is daunting.
Oh - I did my "bed" exercises before leaving for work and I'm so glad that I did, as those contain all of my stretches. I will do my sit/stand exercises later this evening as I did not get to them at work as I had planned. The darn day just isn't long enough!
I will try to stay upbeat and not get bogged down in the sheer volume of things that I cannot comfortably do or of things I have let go all this time. I have to remember - I am no worse off than before surgery and it's only up from here!
Miriam
My son made a very astute observation yesterday when he saw me come home from work and walk around the house doing things. He said that I seem to be better than, or at least the same place as, before I went in for surgery. Therefore even if I didn't get better from this point on I was no worse off. It really got me to thinking that I AM going to get better, so I can look forward really to a life that I haven't had for at least the past three years.
However, on the drive home today I realized how disappointed and discouraged I am about some things. I know I am only 20% into my recovery (10th week of 52). Since I am no worse than I was on May 23rd I have to have faith that it is only going to get better from here.
What are the disappointments? That I still have to walk SO slowly. And I have trouble with things like walking on an incline. I have three options for getting out of my building: A first floor entrance has a handicap ramp and is direct access to where I park; the second first floor entrance has very steep stairs going down and is a LONG walk to where I park my car; I can go down to the basement on narrow dangerous steps, then back up again 1/2 a flight to get outside to near where I park my car. No-brainer - I take the handicap ramp but I have to hold on for dear life because although it is not exceptionally steep I still cannot walk safely on an incline.
Then while driving home I had shooting pains up and down my leg. Whether they went up from the foot or down from the knee I couldn't tell. All I know was I was in pain and it wasn't a pleasant hour-long drive. I have to ask my therapist what is going on with that. I was okay all day long except for the drive.
THEN, I had to stop at Staples and Trader Joe's. OMG I move like a snail. It really did feel like it used to be before surgery where I couldn't wait to get off my feet. However, now I didn't have pain in my knee. I sort of had an overall "discomfort" of just feeling exhausted, and logy, and dying to sit down. Before surgery, though, I would have all that AND be in pain, so I guess it is an improvement.
I wanted to make a few other stops (like pick up Mederma at CVS, or even going through the drive-through window at the bank) but I couldn't, for the life of me imagine not going straight home. Where there IS a difference is that before the surgery I would push through the pain until I couldn't stand it anymore - I might have made 5 stops on the way home - but this time it was just a general fatigue of not being able to be on my feet anymore.
I also am having a really hard time getting back into real life. It's only Tuesday and I am already overwhelmed. Thinking about dinner - shopping for it and cooking and cleaning up, packing my lunch in the morning, planning my day. I have to think about what to wear, do I need to do laundry? etc. etc. Going from zero to 100 in 24 hours.... I could work less hours at work but that doesn't impact the basic difficulty with my day. I still have to commute. I still have to plan (and/or pack) my meals and snacks for the day. I still have to figure out what I will have enough energy for in terms of tending to everything that I have neglected for 10 weeks. Oh - and never mind keeping up with housework. I've turned a blind eye for 2 1/2 months (as helpful as my husband and son have been, you know no one does it like MOI) but since other parts of my life are getting into gear it's harder to ignore the house.
I'm not depressed about it. Just amazed and overwhelmed. I knew that I wouldn't get back into the swing of things immediately (just as I knew what to expect after surgery). I have very realistic expectations. But the AMOUNT of things that I can't back into the swing of is daunting.
Oh - I did my "bed" exercises before leaving for work and I'm so glad that I did, as those contain all of my stretches. I will do my sit/stand exercises later this evening as I did not get to them at work as I had planned. The darn day just isn't long enough!
I will try to stay upbeat and not get bogged down in the sheer volume of things that I cannot comfortably do or of things I have let go all this time. I have to remember - I am no worse off than before surgery and it's only up from here!
Miriam
Monday, August 1, 2011
First day back at work!
Well... the day arrived. I got up nice and early thinking I would take my Vicadin about 7 with breakfast, then do my PT at 8, and leave at 9. Yeah right. My body - but mostly my knee and leg, of course - were just aching. I don't know what I did yesterday to deserve that but alas that's how I was this morning. I took two Advils instead, didn't do my PT, made my lunch and left for work. I stopped at the library to get a few books on CD - can't face two hours of commuting a day without them!
Going in was fine - I didn't find the drive hard at all, except it was hard for me to relax with drivers making short stops behind me, or cars I thought would run red lights through intersections. The driving itself was fine - but after 10 weeks off the road, the psychological difficulty dealing with Boston drivers was a little hard - but I was okay on the way home.
I was fine all day. I spent a lot of my morning just visiting with everyone - catching up, telling stories of my surgery and recovery, gave advice in general (like the ONLY way to heal is to REST), etc. etc. My brother picked me up around 11 and took me over to see my mother in the nursing home - she had entered the nursing home the day after my surgery, and I had only seen her twice in the 10 weeks since. (The drive was too arduous for me up to this point, really.) I was back in my office an hour later - sweet short visit - just right.
It came to be around 4 and I thought I would stay later but my knee/leg started complaining - probably about being down all day, since for 10 weeks I had been spending the better part of the day with my feet up in the recliner. I'm glad I left when I did. All the way home my thigh and shin and derriere were aching and begging me to get home. I couldn't wait to walk through the door and put my feet up with an ice pack. -- which I did!
My concern right now is getting my PT in. At work I did do a full flight of stairs going up, step over step. However, I didn't do anything else "official" (all the up and around does counts toward PT, but it's still not doing exercises). My intention was to do PT at work - but I was just too busy and the day ended too soon. I don't think I can do anything now - I am so exhausted I will just hurt myself (I cannot do my exercises mindlessly - I have to pay attention to each movement). I think that I will do my stretching (which I have been warned NEVER to skip) but won't do the working exercises (squats, leg raises, etc.). A few weeks ago I determined that it was best to get it all over with at once, but I think I am going to try an adjustment. I can do the "bed" exercises in the morning - those are the least stressful. THEN I can try the others at work. If not, and I have to do them when I get home, at least it is only 1/2 the routine instead of the whole one -- AND, if I skip I will have only missed 1/2 a routine, although I don't see that happening. Having a healthy knee is way too precious for me.
Tomorrow I will pack ice, which I didn't have today. I will also set my alarm just a little earlier - I forget how slowly I move! Even to pack lunch took about double the time it normally would. And, maybe at this point, it's one of the most difficult thing to get used to. Just walking down the hall today to the bathroom I almost didn't make it! "Let me run to the bathroom" has really become an obscure phrase! lol
Have a great evening.
Miriam
Going in was fine - I didn't find the drive hard at all, except it was hard for me to relax with drivers making short stops behind me, or cars I thought would run red lights through intersections. The driving itself was fine - but after 10 weeks off the road, the psychological difficulty dealing with Boston drivers was a little hard - but I was okay on the way home.
I was fine all day. I spent a lot of my morning just visiting with everyone - catching up, telling stories of my surgery and recovery, gave advice in general (like the ONLY way to heal is to REST), etc. etc. My brother picked me up around 11 and took me over to see my mother in the nursing home - she had entered the nursing home the day after my surgery, and I had only seen her twice in the 10 weeks since. (The drive was too arduous for me up to this point, really.) I was back in my office an hour later - sweet short visit - just right.
It came to be around 4 and I thought I would stay later but my knee/leg started complaining - probably about being down all day, since for 10 weeks I had been spending the better part of the day with my feet up in the recliner. I'm glad I left when I did. All the way home my thigh and shin and derriere were aching and begging me to get home. I couldn't wait to walk through the door and put my feet up with an ice pack. -- which I did!
My concern right now is getting my PT in. At work I did do a full flight of stairs going up, step over step. However, I didn't do anything else "official" (all the up and around does counts toward PT, but it's still not doing exercises). My intention was to do PT at work - but I was just too busy and the day ended too soon. I don't think I can do anything now - I am so exhausted I will just hurt myself (I cannot do my exercises mindlessly - I have to pay attention to each movement). I think that I will do my stretching (which I have been warned NEVER to skip) but won't do the working exercises (squats, leg raises, etc.). A few weeks ago I determined that it was best to get it all over with at once, but I think I am going to try an adjustment. I can do the "bed" exercises in the morning - those are the least stressful. THEN I can try the others at work. If not, and I have to do them when I get home, at least it is only 1/2 the routine instead of the whole one -- AND, if I skip I will have only missed 1/2 a routine, although I don't see that happening. Having a healthy knee is way too precious for me.
Tomorrow I will pack ice, which I didn't have today. I will also set my alarm just a little earlier - I forget how slowly I move! Even to pack lunch took about double the time it normally would. And, maybe at this point, it's one of the most difficult thing to get used to. Just walking down the hall today to the bathroom I almost didn't make it! "Let me run to the bathroom" has really become an obscure phrase! lol
Have a great evening.
Miriam
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