An observation and some disappointments....Happy Anniversary!

Today is week 10 since surgery on Tuesday, May 24th!!!!

My son made a very astute observation yesterday when he saw me come home from work and walk around the house doing things.  He said that I seem to be better than, or at least the same place as, before I went in for surgery.  Therefore even if I didn't get better from this point on I was no worse off.  It really got me to thinking that I AM going to get better, so I can look forward really to a life that I haven't had for at least the past three years.

However, on the drive home today I realized how disappointed and discouraged I am about some things.  I know I am only 20% into my recovery (10th week of 52).  Since I am no worse than I was on May 23rd I have to have faith that it is only going to get better from here.

What are the disappointments?  That I still have to walk SO slowly.  And I have trouble with things like walking on an incline.  I have three options for getting out of my building:  A first floor entrance has a handicap ramp and is direct access to where I park; the second first floor entrance has very steep stairs going down and is a LONG walk to where I park my car; I can go down to the basement on narrow dangerous steps, then back up again 1/2 a flight to get outside to near where I park my car.  No-brainer - I take the handicap ramp but I have to hold on for dear life because although it is not exceptionally steep I still cannot walk safely on an incline. 

Then while driving home I had shooting pains up and down my leg.  Whether they went up from the foot or down from the knee I couldn't tell.  All I know was I was in pain and it wasn't a pleasant hour-long drive.  I have to ask my therapist what is going on with that.  I was okay all day long except for the drive.

THEN, I had to stop at Staples and Trader Joe's.  OMG I move like a snail.  It really did feel like it used to be before surgery where I couldn't wait to get off my feet.  However, now I didn't have pain in my knee.  I sort of had an overall "discomfort" of just feeling exhausted, and logy, and dying to sit down.  Before surgery, though, I would have all that AND be in pain, so I guess it is an improvement.

I wanted to make a few other stops (like pick up Mederma at CVS, or even going through the drive-through window at the bank) but I couldn't, for the life of me imagine not going straight home.  Where there IS a difference is that before the surgery I would push through the pain until I couldn't stand it anymore - I might have made 5 stops on the way home - but this time it was just a general fatigue of not being able to be on my feet anymore.

I also am having a really hard time getting back into real life.  It's only Tuesday and I am already overwhelmed.  Thinking about dinner - shopping for it and cooking and cleaning up, packing my lunch in the morning, planning my day.  I have to think about what to wear, do I need to do laundry? etc. etc.  Going from zero to 100 in 24 hours....   I could work less hours at work but that doesn't impact the basic difficulty with my day.  I still have to commute.  I still have to plan (and/or pack) my meals and snacks for the day.  I still have to figure out what I will have enough energy for in terms of tending to everything that I have neglected for 10 weeks.  Oh - and never mind keeping up with housework.  I've turned a blind eye for 2 1/2 months (as helpful as my husband and son have been, you know no one does it like MOI) but since other parts of my life are getting into gear it's harder to ignore the house.

I'm not depressed about it.  Just amazed and overwhelmed.  I knew that I wouldn't get back into the swing of things immediately (just as I knew what to expect after surgery).  I have very realistic expectations.  But the AMOUNT of things that I can't back into the swing of is daunting. 

Oh - I did my "bed" exercises before leaving for work and I'm so glad that I did, as those contain all of my stretches.  I will do my sit/stand exercises later this evening as I did not get to them at work as I had planned.  The darn day just isn't long enough!

I will try to stay upbeat and not get bogged down in the sheer volume of things that I cannot comfortably do or of things I have let go all this time.  I have to remember - I am no worse off than before surgery and it's only up from here!

Miriam