Another good day

My feelings exactly about going to the gym!  Had my biggest loser group last night - didn't even break a sweat - but I was there!  It helped a lot to do standing exercises only.  I moved the entire hour, lifted lots of weights, did the bike and the rower - probably didn't even burn 100 calories, but at least I was there!  At least I was moving.  At least I made the effort.  AND the best part is - my knees are great!  I iced twice in the evening, took my Ultram and Tylenol before bed, and I'm fine this morning.  I couldn't be happier.

Okee-dokee then ---- I'm ready to move on with the 100-Days challenge!  Now that my gym crisis is behind me it's time to focus on something else.

I am going to add my own daily challenge and question here (I wouldn't be surprised it if comes later in the book):  The REAL cost of food.  When the money you save on "free" food comes at a cost far more than monetary.  Yesterday there was a conference at my place of business and after the conference members took their food, the rest was left on a table in the hallway for anyone to take.  I took my fair share to bring for lunch today at my mother's, but I ate my own lunch that I had brought - all weighed, measured and tracked.  It got me to thinking that had I taken the free food for my own lunch, the cost to me would have been more detrimental than the money I would spend by not having kept my own lunch for another day.  The food here is SO good, that not only would I have eaten more than one portion - it would have led to no tracking, (because I for sure wouldn't be weighing and measuring it!) but, more importantly, it would have led to a downward spiral:  "I ate this so I might as well eat that.  I blew it so why bother going to the gym.  It's already mid-week so the heck with it, I'll wait till NEXT Monday.  And so on, and so on."  This is a case where free food is NOT free.

It took me a long time to realize this.  I was brought up in a clean-plate household, and also to believe that whatever you can get for free -- TAKE IT (food or otherwise, whether you need it or not).    The realization of that habit has been particularly poignant, as weekly I have to empty my mother's walker bag and pocketbook - absolutely crammed with creamers, sugar packets, salt and pepper packets, paper towels, rubber gloves, diapers, uneaten fruits and cookies, etc.  Part of the Alzheimer's is the hoarding behavior, but also the reason it's there is because this "take it because it's free" mentality is so deeply ingrained that it became part of her Alzheimer's array of behavior.  Not that it's guaranteed that I can avoid that in my future, but I can certainly stop it now.

So that is today's lesson challenge for me!

Miriam

Back to "Do it Anyway"

Just a quick entry to say that my day was full of "do it anyways" - starting with today's Spring challenge and running straight to here where I sit.  My challenge today was to drink a glass of water before starting in with my preferred beverages.  I put it off as long as possible, until I couldn't stand not having my coffee with breakfast.  It was actually quite refreshing - I don't know why I am so resistant.

Oh wait - my day started with my new routine of going back to doing my PT exercises in bed before I get up, then I went on the bike for 10 minutes to warm up my legs, followed by stretching.  Then at lunch I wanted to sit outside for about 20 minutes in the sun (my body is robbed of Vitamin D no matter how many supplements I take - so I am hoping with the summer I can boost my counts with natural Vitamin D through sunshine) but then figured .. why should I sit? So I walked around a large city block THEN I sat in the sun reading my new favorite book: Jean Nidetch's autobiography.  For those of you who don't know - she was the founder of Weight Watchers - and hers is a fascinating story.

So all this was part of "do it anyway" but the big kicker was that I went to my biggest loser group.  I am NOT cut out for this underscored by the fact that it sucks getting old - my goodness, I got cramps in my toes from doing planks and even had to stop those... But I finished the hour (including a warm up before class started) and then I had already prepared my plate for dinner and ate as soon as I walked through the door.. well after I iced my knees!

So all in all, a good day, and a happy second day of Spring!

Miriam

Spring has sprung!

What a beautiful day here in New England - and, from what I gather, many other places.  I sent out a challenge to my buddies at Dotties Weight Loss Zone that starting today, for every day in Spring, we should do something - either for the delight of it, or to bring us closer to a goal.  I especially thank my friend Babs for posting this picture.  She has been particularly diligent about following the 100-Days Challenge.  She started out thinking that she would be at least a week behind me, but actually she is a week beyond me.  She has gone through many trials (literally) and tribulations recently and I congratulate her for not losing sight of her journey to better health.  Be sure to read her blog.  I especially love that she said today that she realizes that blogging is not an option - it's what keeps the issues at the forefront.  Bravo Babs - I'm on board with you there...

So I went to the Y tonight to work with the trainer.  What a doll.  Someone else wouldn't have given me a second thought - but he really put a lot of thought into how to work with me and to keep me part of the group.  But first - as soon as I walked in he handed me a YMCA water bottle.  I had won the prize for the largest weight loss the week before.  I told him no wonder he wants to keep me in the group!  We spent the time doing PT-type exercises - and I told him that I had come to the realization that is exactly what I need right now and it was funny that he was astute enough to get that himself.  Then, we talked about how I will approach the rest of the classes (I decided I will see the classes through to the end, and not make promises right now for the next session).  I told him that I think what was aggravating my knees so much was not the exercise regimen but rather the up and down from the floor. So, I will either do all standing exercises or all floor exercises while the other gals are up and down. 

I will still weigh in at WW at 5PM then cross the road to the Y for the class at 5:30, and just either skip meetings for the next 2 weeks (that's all that is left to the group) or sit in on a different meeting.  Then I can decide what to do. 

Seems I'm honing in on what to do about all of this.  FINALLY.

Miriam

A new day, a new week

So last week I wrote a nice note to the trainer explaining my decision to quit the group and to stick to some movement on my own.  So this morning I went to the Y and rode the recumbent bike for 30 minutes,  and then this evening I made a declaration (to the leader and the group) that I would now be going to the Monday night WW meeting.

Got home from the meeting, all pleased with the decisions I had made over the weekend... and my phone is ringing.  It's the trainer.  He said that they still want me as part of the group - even just for the cardio (slow as it is) and any standing exercises so I wouldn't be up and down off the floor. And, he had spoken to the activities director and parlayed something else that I had paid for into 5, 1/2 hour personal training sessions with him.  He asked me to not give up yet, and that our workouts would be gentle and would give me the feeling that I had not given up and dropped everything (that feeling of not quitting is more important to me than any benefits I would get out of the exercising)

Have you EVER seen anyone see-saw as much as me (diet and exercise)?  I'm trying to look at it as a strength, not a weakness.  "Going with the flow" isn't the worst thing in the world - especially if you get somewhere with it - as long as it's not traveling backwards.

Sigh.... here's to a new day and a new week....

Miriam

Starting a new week

After gathering all the information from the professionals and opinions (and really good information) from friends, I have come to the decision that doing the biggest-loser group (even with the individual attention that was offered by the trainer) is too much too soon.  The only way I was able to get through the day for the past two weeks was with the medication that absolutely put me to sleep. Then, after my thyroid biopsy on Monday I was allowed to go back on ibuprofen but although it helped somewhat it isn't strong enough to deal with whatever is happening to my knees.  I took Advil during the day and my Ultram at night only - but why should I have to take drugs at all at this stage of the game?  NO GOOD CAN COME FROM EXERCISE is all I have to say.

But, I'm not giving up.  Starting tomorrow morning my goal is to move every day for 30 minutes.  But even with that, I had to put it in a different perspective.  I was telling a friend that I enjoy the seated elliptical and the treadmill, but I have to go rather slowly and/or have no resistance or incline.  She said - "Then it's not really cardio - it's more like PT."  And with that I had a light-bulb moment.  All I really need now is PT.  I need to move, get my joints "lubricated" and feel good about myself that I am at least doing that, and not feel "less than" because I'm not doing full workouts. 

I had to look deep inside to see if I was just justifying my "MO" (i.e., dropping out of things that I start, or not wanting to actually work at getting physically fit).  Part of me is nagging that there is at least a particle of my MO embedded in my decision to quit the group.  But the rest of me says at least I am not giving up and quitting the gym altogether.  It's just hard to have moved from being a really physical person to a lump on a log.  I feel that by going to the gym every day and using the cardio equipment at whatever level does not necessitate pain medication, I am finding a spot somewhere in the middle.  I'm not a middle-of-the-road sort of person so I think that's what is bothering me.

Moderation isn't my strong suit with dieting either, but it's something that I am also learning.  I am switching my weigh ins to Monday nights (now that I'm not going to the group) instead of Saturday mornings.  I don't know how, on "official" scales, I could have lost 10 1/2 gym pounds to Weight Watcher's 5 pounds.  But I know that in the mornings when I put my shoes on they are often tight, indicating some fluid retention.  So,although mornings are usually the better times to weigh in, in my case, it might be that the evenings are better.  It all comes out in the wash, so to speak, but if I can be motivated by better weigh ins at night, I'll take anything I can get!

In terms of the challenge, I am ready to pick that up too.  Since I am going to a restaurant for dinner (with my favorite food!) I will do the challenge of SAVORING.  I want MY meal to last all night and not pick from my husband's plate (or if they are going to order food for the table, and not individual dinners, my plan is to pick what I want and have ONE plate) so eating slowly and savoring is the perfect exercise for me tonight.

So anyway, I'm starting fresh tomorrow.  My dress is ready to be picked up but I can't get it until the 31st (it's a 150 mile round-trip drive to the store so it's not something I can do after work) - hopefully it will zip up by then! :)

Miriam

I have my answer

First of all - thank you to everyone who responded - not just as comments to this blog but some Zonies, and some personal emails also.  Thank you.

So today I had a thyroid biopsy and was told not to do anything strenuous (so I couldn't have worked out even if I wanted to - which I didn't).  But before resting, I went to the gym to meet with the group trainer and also to weigh in (3 1/2 pounds this week thank you very much!) and to tell him my tale of woe and indecision. But - he beat me to it! 

He said he's been giving my situation a lot of thought and thinks that I am not getting what I need from the group exercises since they are so modified so that I can keep up - and all the up and down off the floor is what is hard on my knees, even though the exercises themselves might not be.  However, he wants me to stay part of the group (as do I).  Here is his solution:  He said he has some great programs that would benefit my knees tremendously but they have to be done one-on-one.  He is going to talk to the director of programs and see if it is okay with them if I work with him (free of charge) during the time he is on the floor anyway, but without clients.  I told him that I would love that, but that I also have 8 machine-trainer sessions paid for that maybe they would transfer over to him so he can be paid for 3 or 4 personal sessions instead. 

I have also decided to stay with the yoga but to tell the instructor before class to not bother modifying things for me.  I know exactly what I can and cannot do, and how to modify the poses myself AND that I expect to spend a good portion of the time just lying there to soak up the calming energy of the room.  I think some of the twisting (although it did not hurt to do it) is what did me in - so I am not going to do any of that from now on.  I think just not going home straight from work and taking the 5PM class is a good idea even if I really do just lie there.  It will relax me and set the tone for the rest of the evening.

I just feel that it is so "me" to drop out of everything, and I want things to be different this time! 

So I'm off to ice my neck - my knees will have to wait in line for the ice pack tonight!

Miriam

I don't know what to do

Anyone reading this blog - even if you have not commented before please PLEASE leave a comment with your opinion.

I am taking the Ultram for knee pain and I have to say I am blissfully pain-free.  HOWEVER, after my yoga class on Thursday, pain-free or not, I noticed the familiar swelling in my operated knee, which had finally subsided after months of discomfort and inability to bend my knee.  I know I am not damaging it, but I am not happy about the swelling.  Also, regarding the pain in the left knee, I would prefer that it naturally not be there. And I can finally lift my left arm.

So the question is this: You all know how hard I have been working, not only to lose weight and get in shape, but to become strong and "normal" again.  I was actually doing fine before starting at the gym.  So you know where this is going....  I hate to drop out of things - especially they are paid for and I do love the group support - but I am seriously thinking to scale back on everything, and just go for an easy 30 minutes a day on either the seated elliptical or the treadmill, augmented by light weights on the leg machines - because I DO need to build strength.

I can ask the doctors and the standard answer is: If it doesn't hurt do it.  (But they don't address the hurt AFTERWARD!)  So I am asking you all: Would you keep up with everything, since the instructors are kind and knowledgeable enough to adapt everything to my needs, or would you drop out of the groups and general circuit training and just stick with a moderate, personally-directed program.  I am just so thrilled to be moving, I think I can be happy with 30 minutes of "gentle" cardio (which is an oxymoron - because I'm not really getting cardio benefits), but I also know that there is something to be said for pushing myself. 

My husband is after me to scale back at the gym - but what does he know? lol What do you all think (via opinion or experience)?
Miriam

The miracle of pharmaceuticals! lol

So I went to see the doctor on Tuesday, and short of surgery - which in no way am I considering right now - there isn't much help for my (other) knee other than to control the pain.  Cortisone shots are, contrary to what most people think,  NOT the way to go, as over time they eat away at bone and muscle - the very things you are looking to preserve.  The doctor said that just prior to going to Italy in September, if medication hasn't controlled the pain, then we can consider a cortisone shot in September (and then I might revisit surgery the following summer). He did prescribe Ultram/Tramedol.  I had taken this years ago and had forgotten how well it works.  It is non-narcotic (although I was knocked out totally yesterday from taking it the night before and in the morning - my body has to get used to it) that works synergistically with Tylenol.  So after being knocked out yesterday I bought myself a super-duper pill splitter, and will take 1/2 a tablet with one extra strength Tylenol at breakfast and lunch, and one full pill with one Tylenol at bedtime.  After less than 24 hours I am totally pain free! 

I asked him about exercise (unfortunately I did have to skip my "In it to win it" class last night as I was so nauseous and tired when I got home from work).  The usual: If it hurts, stop.  And then MY usual: It doesn't hurt while I am doing it so I have no indications of when to stop.  I pressed him and got some specifics about what I should not do:  Mostly twisting (i.e., nothing like Zumba) and full leg extensions (it's fine to use the leg press machines and quad/hamstring weight machines, but don't fully extend my legs during the exercise).  And now with the Ultram in my system, I can be a little less afraid to push myself: If I don't have to worry about injury and the pain is controlled, I can move on. 

He did question why my operated knee is still so painful to the touch.  I cannot believe that my one-year anniversary is only 2 months away!  I don't think I need to see the surgeon before that because the surgeon already had told me that this "condition" could last up to a year or more so not to be alarmed.

A lot has happened since doing the past three days of the 100-days challenge and I am finding that my eating has been in check and under control "on its own."  Something just clicked. I really believe that first 10 days of the challenge were absolutely the most crucial, and that's part of it.  But also with my "Win it" group I seem to have motivation that I never had before on my own.  AND, I've been shopping for dresses for the wedding, and I have them - all one size smaller than is comfortable - and that has a lot to do with it too.  I just imagine myself in these beautiful dresses and also weighing in at my group on Monday nights, and I just have this motivation to stay on my food program.  It's as if it's not even an effort now (is that what "being normal" means?).  I want to write more on that tomorrow - otherwise today's blog will run its own 100 pages! lol

Anyway - the thumbnail is one of the dresses that I got for the wedding.  No dowdy mother-of-the-bride dresses for me!

Miriam

Where does anxiety sit?

I was driving in to work today and I realized that, although it is a beautiful bright and sunny day, and that I have good news to report (according to my "In it to win it" group weigh-in I lost 7 pounds this week - although my Saturday weigh-in showed "only" 1.6) and my left knee was at a pain scale of 4 or 5 instead of its usual 8 following one of my work-out nights, I just had a gnawing feeling that I sat with for a while as the miles ticked by. I realized it was a low-level anxiety - sort of like a low grade fever that doesn't stop you from doing anything - it's just there, and you don't feel quite well.

I realized that it showed itself as hunger.  I really had to think about that.  In the "past" (recent and far) I would have stopped for a bagel and cream cheese, or a muffin or a couple of donuts, or for a single(which serves 4) portion of cake with 3 inch-high frosting.  I realized it was that elusive feeling that people say they have "in the pit of their stomach" - I always confused it for hunger.  I realized that maybe when I eat out of stress, it's not the usual reasons for it - distraction, the calming effect of "comfort" food, etc.  Maybe I eat out of stress because my body is really translating it as hunger.  It is, after all, in my stomach that I am feeling it.

Why did I have the anxiety - that's the bigger question.  Last night my son came home quite shaken.  Someone at work pulled a knife on him and held it just an inch or two from his throat.  My son talked him down - I don't know whether he had already put down the knife by the time the police arrived, or whether the police took the knife from him.   My son refused to press charges.  He said that generally the guy is a nice guy and he didn't want to ruin his life by pressing charges.  He said the guy just snapped - could have been drugs, could have been some sort of break, but in any case, no one was harmed, and it wasn't worth ruining a life over.  As an avid Law & Order junkie (and any other crime show out there) I have visions of the guy coming back, and instead of thanking my son for not pressing charges, he would be brandishing a gun because he was fired on the spot, and my son was present. Gee... wouldn't any mother feel a little anxious the next morning after getting this story?

Anyway, it happened, hopefully it's over, and it gave me a very valuable lesson in distinguishing anxiety from hunger.

This afternoon I am going to see my orthopedist (he's actually a D.O. - Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine).  Hopefully he can find some relief for my "other" knee.  Last night I iced when I got home from my workout - and hopefully, once I can take ibuprofen again (another story, alas, as to why I can't take it now) I will be much happier camper.

Enjoy the day.  You never know when you'll have a knife to your throat....

Miriam

In it to Win it - back to ice and braces

I joined a Biggest-Loser type group at the YMCA that started last Monday night.  The coach (a former trainer for the Coast Guard, and whose father just had shoulder surgery) has been adapting everything for me as needed, but let me tell you - I am not off the hook at all.  On Wednesday I came in early and I could not believe it myself, but I did 20 minutes on the treadmill (granted... very slowly - only 2MPH) before the class even started.  The class starts with stretches and then a really tough cardio session ( up and down from the floor, jumping jacks, push-ups, jogging in place, etc.) but I take my cardio session on the rower.  As the girls are huffing and puffing and muttering under their breath I want to scream "You don't know how lucky you are!"

After that the coach sets up a circuit - everything from legs to abs to arms to any other part of your body that has muscles.  THAT I can do, although I was sort of scared on Wednesday because he added a balance board (one of those boards you stand on but there is a ball in the middle holding it up, so you have to use your core muscles to stay steady) but he stood by me until I was steady enough and could do the lifts with the medicine ball. I joked that next week I'm bringing my walker! The other circuit exercises he adapts for my knees and shoulders as needed.

One of the hardest portions is the stuff that is done on the floor to build core strength - planks, something called the beetle, and other dreadful things. 

After both Monday and Wednesday I have to tell you - my surgical knee was the least of my problems.  My other knee was in agony (even with the adjustments) and it was the first time ever that I saw the wisdom in having both knees replaced at the same time if it is called for.  No offense Sandy - but I thought you (and my friend Janine) were nuts!!  However, now I see that had I gone through the horrible recovery (which I still don't see how you can do both knees at once) it would be over and done with.

Anyway, I bought a new kind of icepack for my knee, and called my orthopedist (not my surgeon) and will ask him if Synvisc or cortisone is in order at this point. I was super lucky that he has a spot open on Tuesday afternoon so I don't have to wait too long. I also dug out my Donjoy brace for my left (non-replaced) knee  and will try to wear that in class if it doesn't restrict my movement too much.  I am NOT, however, going to stop going to the class.

A lot of my food choices this week were decided on two things:  (1) I worked too hard not to show a weight loss this week and (2) I owe it to my team.  So a doubly-whammy - to myself and to the team - has kept me in line.  I get on the scale tomorrow for myself tomorrow, and Monday for the team.

I haven't been doing the exercises or homework for 100-days Challenge right now.  My attention is absolutely on my physical and exercise needs.  HOWEVER,  this weekend I am taking on days 21 (eat with awareness), 22 (multitask with food) and 23 (savoring) and will report back!

Miriam