I was driving in to work today and I realized that, although it is a beautiful bright and sunny day, and that I have good news to report (according to my "In it to win it" group weigh-in I lost 7 pounds this week - although my Saturday weigh-in showed "only" 1.6) and my left knee was at a pain scale of 4 or 5 instead of its usual 8 following one of my work-out nights, I just had a gnawing feeling that I sat with for a while as the miles ticked by. I realized it was a low-level anxiety - sort of like a low grade fever that doesn't stop you from doing anything - it's just there, and you don't feel quite well.
I realized that it showed itself as hunger. I really had to think about that. In the "past" (recent and far) I would have stopped for a bagel and cream cheese, or a muffin or a couple of donuts, or for a single(which serves 4) portion of cake with 3 inch-high frosting. I realized it was that elusive feeling that people say they have "in the pit of their stomach" - I always confused it for hunger. I realized that maybe when I eat out of stress, it's not the usual reasons for it - distraction, the calming effect of "comfort" food, etc. Maybe I eat out of stress because my body is really translating it as hunger. It is, after all, in my stomach that I am feeling it.
Why did I have the anxiety - that's the bigger question. Last night my son came home quite shaken. Someone at work pulled a knife on him and held it just an inch or two from his throat. My son talked him down - I don't know whether he had already put down the knife by the time the police arrived, or whether the police took the knife from him. My son refused to press charges. He said that generally the guy is a nice guy and he didn't want to ruin his life by pressing charges. He said the guy just snapped - could have been drugs, could have been some sort of break, but in any case, no one was harmed, and it wasn't worth ruining a life over. As an avid Law & Order junkie (and any other crime show out there) I have visions of the guy coming back, and instead of thanking my son for not pressing charges, he would be brandishing a gun because he was fired on the spot, and my son was present. Gee... wouldn't any mother feel a little anxious the next morning after getting this story?
Anyway, it happened, hopefully it's over, and it gave me a very valuable lesson in distinguishing anxiety from hunger.
This afternoon I am going to see my orthopedist (he's actually a D.O. - Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine). Hopefully he can find some relief for my "other" knee. Last night I iced when I got home from my workout - and hopefully, once I can take ibuprofen again (another story, alas, as to why I can't take it now) I will be much happier camper.
Enjoy the day. You never know when you'll have a knife to your throat....
Miriam
Oh, my....I hope and pray your son is safe, Miriam! Your anxiety is perfectly understandable. I have to ask myself the same question when I "feel" hungry and there is no real reason why I should be hungry. Sometimes it's because I haven't had enough water, and I can usually tell as I also feel drained when that happens.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the wonderful weight loss- 7 pounds in one week is a lot!! I actually don't know what i weigh as it seems my DD's scale is not working. It has shown a huge spread of numbers that make absolutely no sense, so I know it's not working. However, I do how I feel and how my clothes feel - and I seem to be doing OK. I've not been exercising much this past week for a number of reasons. Tomorrow I need to go back the "do it anyway" mode!!
Congratulations on your tremendous loss this week! Yahoo! Wow, I think I would have been more than anxious should something like that happen to one of my children. I certainly understand that underlying anxiety you spoke of, and how it's automatic to turn to food. Good for you for resisting, and understanding. Hugs. xoxo
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