One week in

Okay - so I had a really good weigh-in (6 pounds!) but in all honesty, I did not expect to weigh in last week so I had my FULL lunch, ALL my beverages and ALL my snacks.  I significantly pared down my intake for last night's weigh-in.

OMG there I go again - not giving myself credit....  Yes all of the above is true, but I also made 100's of food decisions throughout the week based on healthy eating choices and a weigh-in looming down the road.  I don't expect losses to be as significant as this first one - I will be happy with 1/2 pound a week, if that (which has always been my MO).  What helped me through the week was watching the videos at this website: "Man Meets Scale" on which he has You Tube videos (it is one presentation starting with the top one, but he broke it into two videos because of the length) about a remarkable woman named Jennie.  I absolutely BEG of you to set aside 20 minutes and watch these videos.  They were absolutely the aha moment for me when I decided that I was not going to bolt this time around.

Because of these YouTube videos I also spent some time watching other "vlogs" (the name for video blogs, I guess) of people who have been successful on Weight Watchers. Two that I watched, vlogged from their first meeting to the end - and three had lost 100+ pounds.  Only one was recently posted though - I would love to know how others are doing and if the success was long lived.

Anyway - I am very happy with my decision to return to Weight Watchers.  Watching the various videos it is apparent that I am not the only one who "bolts" on a regular basis, but really, watching the videos of Jennie (same link as above) sealed the deal.  When I put down the start date on my new meeting member booklet it was 12/12/12!  Isn't that rather auspicious?

My saving-grace lunch all this past week was my (6 PP+) chicken salad, which I have either as a whole serving with salad greens, or broken into two sandwiches if I am on the run.  I wanted to share the recipe with you.  On Sunday I made four servings  in the food processor, although I have also made single servings in my little chopster (1-serving portions are in parentheses).  I think I am going to stick with the "bulk" preparation because I make it once and it's good for four servings.

16 oz white meat chicken (can be white meat turkey) (4 oz)
1/2 cup cranberry/orange relish (recipe below) (2 TBS)
1/2 cup Miracle Whip Lite (you can use lite mayo if you prefer) (2 TBS)
Mix in food processor, stir in 1/4 cup chopped walnuts (1 TBS)

Cranberry/Orange relish:
1 12 oz bag of fresh cranberries
1 LARGE navel orange, skin still on
1 inch of thick piece of ginger
1/2 to 1  cup Splenda (you can make it with sugar but you will have to add points)
Mix in food processor.
This actually is one of my family's favorite side dishes, and I will be sad when cranberry season comes to a close - this year I am going to freeze one bag of cranberries to see if they hold up for this recipe, and if they do I will freeze more next year.

So far I'm not tired of this, so I see LOTS of chicken salad in my future - and I have found that when I divide it into two sandwiches (made on light bread) that one sandwich is so filling that's all I need for lunch, and then I have the second sandwich on the way home, which keeps me from gnawing my arm off before I hit the kitchen for dinner.

Miriam

Lifelong Battle -- NOT

I was watching "Addicted" the other night and the interventionist (Kristina Wandziak) said something so poignant and it reminded me of feedback comments I received last week, that I had to post it here - it relates entirely to what we do for weight loss, even though the addictions she deals with are drugs and alcohol:

"Sobriety is not a sentence to a life of misery. It is actually a gateway to a life beyond our wildest dreams."

This speaks to me regarding my whole "conversation" about what is NORMAL. I realized through all the discourse (and this quote above) that MY normal (1) might not be anyone else's normal; (2) is worth fighting for; (3) may entail life-long counting and tracking; (4) is not a punishment; and (5) is MY normal. 

I acknowledge and take with me all the lessons learned from intuitive eating (it is so hard to give that up as maybe not being MY normal, although it is a worthwhile goal) and from programs like Core, Simply Filling and South Beach.  I also acknowledge that life ebbs and flows and changes and morphs, so, although I must be open to other ways, the other ways may not be right for me right now. 

I have been flubbing along with non-measuring and non-tracking ways of doing this and all I've been accomplishing is to gain weight.  I now weigh within 12 pounds of my absolute all time heaviest.  This has got to stop.  I am not willing to go there.

So - I've not given up on the "meld" idea, but instead of making intuitive eating the main priority with WW "rules" second, I am making WW my priority with IE "rules" second.  I think I can work with this flip and still stay true to myself (wanting so badly to trust myself to make good food choices) yet still have the guidance I need.  I saw this as a severe failing, but then I thought - where would we be if life were not full of flip-flops?  Would the world still be flat? Would there still be slavery? Would we still use carbon paper and mimeograph machines?  Okay so that's how I'm justifying not being embarrassed by my severe flip-flop in just a week's time.  However, given that no path is absolutely straight but that we can only hope for the least horrible route, I have circled, back-tracked, stopped at green lights and boldly have gone through red lights.  I've taken 5 steps forward and 10 steps back, which included multi-side steps.  And here I stand, back on the WW PP+ road to weight loss.  What can I say? I think I really needed to go through all of those other paths to understand that WW PP+, for me, is my road to sobriety, and that it is not a life sentence of misery...

Miriam

puzzle pieces

I was struck by something yesterday.  I had an inkling it was an important puzzle piece in the quest for why I am so weight-loss resistant.

My boss said he needed to see me in his office, and right away I though - "Oh what trouble am I in?"  All he wanted to do was talk to me about ordering him new chairs.  But it got me to seriously thinking: I have never, in 15 years, been called into anyone's office because I am in trouble, yet, every single time my boss wants to talk to me my heart sinks to my feet and I wonder what "fireable" offense I committed.  Why is that my go-to reaction?

I started to think about it and realized that practically the only interactions I ever had with my parents or teachers were to scold, insult, or complain about me or something I had done.  I grew up with such a lack of self esteem and such a lack of outward affection and love.  I never understood it either.  Whenever one of my parents found fault with me I couldn't understand why they didn't see what was good.  I remember when I battled long and hard to bring my grade in something up to an A, and all my father said was "What's the matter: Don't they give A+ anymore?"  And that was the end of that report card's conversation.  Is it no wonder that every time I am called to talk to someone I automatically feel that I am in trouble?

So why is this a puzzle piece?  After meeting with my boss I said to myself - no wonder I don't feel worthy of losing weight and having the feeling of success that would go with it.  I've never been worthy of anything.  Don't they give A+ anymore?  If I lose 1 pound, it's worthless because I should have lost 2.  If I lose 2 pounds it's worthless because I should have lost 5.  No such thing as NSVs (non-scale victories) if it can't be measured it worthless, and even if a success can be measured it's worthless because it's not enough.

I have struggled so long and so hard to lose weight, and never get anywhere with it.  Is this feeling of worthlessness part of the puzzle?  How do I go about shaking that off and removing it from my history?  Babs - you mentioned in your comment yesterday that I am such a fighter.  In part that is so because I am so sick of being beaten down.  Maybe I am already in the process of shaking off this feeling of not being worthy of losing weight.

My diet demons seem to come in the evening.  It's when I am tired and my defenses are down. It's also reminiscent of when I used to sneak food.  It was such an accomplishment to make my way into the pantry after my parents had gone to bed to sneak cereal and crackers, or to quietly open the refrigerator and sneak leftovers of a slice or two of bologna that wouldn't be missed.  Or into the piano bench where my father thought he was hiding the chocolates.  I'll show THEM who's boss! lol  I'm successful in sneaking if I'm not successful in anything else! I think there is still a little of that going on in the evenings now.  I may be home alone.  It's MY house.  It's MY stuff.  But I still sneak.  I still show I am not worthy of eating in the daylight in front of everyone. I still show "them" who's boss.

That has been happening less and less as I work on the demons, but I couldn't quite understand why I am still being stymied in so many ways.  But, after yesterday's revelation when another piece of the puzzle showed itself to me, I am closer to being a whole all on my own and less in need of food to fill me.

Miriam
p.s. Flo - LOVED the look of that recipe - I printed it out and I know what I am having for dinner tomorrow night (although I will have to go out and buy the bottle of beer because I don't have any in the house right now).  It's not similar to the brining process because the chicken has to sit up to 8 hours in the brine and then it is taken out of the brine and then cooked. 

Putting things in perspective

I totally enjoyed the exchange of comments in my last blog.  Thanks for comments, feedback, suggestions and encouragement.

I saw my doctor yesterday - he's a DO (Doctor of Osteopathy), and so views surgery for anything, as a very last resort.  (Besides, he's the director of the local Spaulding Rehabilitation hospital so his lean is towards rehab not surgery.)  Apparently I have very bad degenerative and arthritic issues in my back. I will be having an MRI next week to figure out the next course of action.  Probably injections to make physical therapy tolerable.  However, I am cortisone immune (cortisone has never helped me in any area of my body) so I might just opt for some medication to ease discomfort.  Unless the MRI shows severe narrowing of the canals where the nerves run, I don't think surgery is an immediate option.  Besides, I'm not "going there" so it doesn't matter even if it is an option.

The doctor said that I have to own and accept that arthritis is my "thing."  I told him that I can put that into perspective because it just so happens, that my appointment was directly after I attended the memorial service for my cousin (we are less than two months apart) who died on Saturday due to pancreatic cancer.  A friend, who had survived a horrible car accident in which her fiance was killed, did teach me the lesson that I do not have to apologize for my pain (because another person's is worse and we feel guilty for complaining).  So, keeping in mind that there are people with far worse fates than mine, I still have to say... this sucks!  I stopped at Bed Bath & Beyond yesterday to get a package of various-sized jar openers because I can't hold my hand around a jar tightly enough to open it; I put away (temporarily) my new Garmin Forerunner because I can't walk now without being in pain (I thought that walking through the pain would enable me to stall how soon it sets in - instead it comes on me more quickly); and I am grateful for the short break from my belly dance classes so that I can rest my hip (which has bursitis and is aggravated by the way I carry myself because of the spine issues).

OMG - don't take me wrong - this is NOT a pity party.  I am listing all the ailments because I want to share that I am not giving up. I cannot help what is going on in my back and, alas, I might not even be able to make it better, but that does not mean that I have to give up on everything, eat uncontrollably and sit like a slug in the recliner all day.  If anything, I am even more motivated to do what I can do to find a healthy way of living and eating.  Sort of like the serenity prayer.  There's plenty that I cannot change and have to accept.  But there are things that I do not have to accept and can change.  And I think I have the wisdom to know the difference.  Eating the last of what is left in the Twinkie warehouse will NOT make my arthritis go away.  Eating healthy and anti-inflammatory foods might make it feel better.  Sitting will NOT -- in the long run -- make the arthritis pain any less, but keeping in motion (in the right way) might help "oil the joints" and will make me feel better.  

So anyway - my pain isn't any less because someone is suffering more.  My pain is my pain and I will be damned if let it stop me from living the healthiest life I can.

Miriam

writing it all down

If you checked the comments from my last post, my friend Flo sent a great article about journaling your food no matter what you are doing in the way of dieting (or non-dieting).  It's a great read.  But what really struck me and got me to thinking was Flo's comment itself: "I can just say that for myself, I can never "eat like a normal person", because I am not that normal person. So if I need to track calories, or points, or whatever, forever - it is really no big deal. That is just "my normal".

OMG - thank you Flo!  I really had to sit with that a week before I could even respond or blog again.  Yes - we have learned to define normal as automatically knowing what to eat and in what quantities and frequency.  But what if that is not MY normal?  What if MY normal calls for a certain amount of vigilance? Maybe it's normal for ME to have an awareness and an accountability with my eating?

Taking everything into account, I am willing to journal my food.  I am perfectly comfortable with Phase 2 of South Beach (very similar to Simply Filling/Core) and so for now, that is the route I am taking.  My immediate goal is to stick with it more than three days! (lol)  But really - no laughing matter.  As I've blogged about before I have seriously bolting tendencies.  I think what will help me through this is to eat my breakfast that I enjoy, and to use walnuts daily. I have to find something that I can live with, and if I take this seriously enough, this is something I can do.  Mostly it just deletes most processed foods. There are enough that are allowed to make this an easy plan to follow.  Also it takes the view: "Treat not cheat" - just don't go overboard.  My personal goal is to keep that to a minimum - maybe once a week: I usually pack a small dessert to bring to my mother's when we do lunch weekly at her nursing home.  Instead of avoiding it maybe I will use that as the week's treat.  I really don't have desserts in the house otherwise. Another treat is that only breast meat is allowed - so for today, for instance, when I have a whole roast chicken for dinner I am having the dark meat (no skin).  But we only do this 2-3 times a month so it really really is only a treat! 

Early this morning I put a huge chicken in a turkey brine - I've never done that before with a chicken and if it is yummy enough I am going to also brine 4 pounds of boneless skinless chicken breasts that I will use throughout the week.

For breakfast I had my "usual" - 2 Wasa crackers, 2 lite Laughing Cow cheese wedges, topped with tomato slices, and 2 coffees (with cream).  Ages ago when I was a member of the South Beach website I signed up for the extra feature of being able to work with a SB nutritionist, and her take on the cream was that if it was I something I really enjoyed, and it kept me on the straight and narrow the rest of the day, then not to be concerned if it wasn't on the approved list.

My morning snack was a small bowl of FF ricotta mixed with almond extract and Splenda.  

For lunch I made my own deli-style chicken salad.  I love my little "chopster" and have been using it more and more.  I took a cooked chicken breast and put it in the chopster with a spoon of lite mayo and an apple.  I had that with a salad tossed with olive oil and rice vinegar.

It's almost 3, and I'm feeling a bit hungry - I see a hard-boiled egg in my future, maybe with an apple.

For dinner I am having the roast chicken with sweet potato, string beans and another salad.  I am also going to make my favorite WW cranberry relish (a bag of cranberries, a navel orange with the skin on, an inch of fresh ginger, and a cup of sweetener - the recipe calls for sugar, but I actually like it just as much with Splenda). 

Babs - I'm not ready to add any form of exercise.  I am seeing my orthopedist tomorrow - I have a newly discovered (but apparently not new) spine condition (causing awful hip and leg pain) that the chiropractor actually thinks only surgery will correct.  But since I'm not going "there" I want to see what this doctor suggests.  He's a DO and looks at surgery as an absolutel last resort, so I trust him to tell me what to do.  I'm in such horrid pain within 1/10th of a mile of walking (and I can't even do my marathon cooking sessions anymore) - I know the recumbent bike probably is okay so I am just going to have to bite the bullet and probably take that as my exercise.  But meanwhile I'm doing nada until I see this doctor.  Anyway - I commend you for the pledge you took in your own blog!

Okay - off to put the chicken in the oven.

Miriam

Going round and round

I had been feeling very blue as of late because I was thinking I am NEVER going to get this.  For all the work I'm doing on Intuitive Eating I am not losing weight.  Then I jump back to WWPP and gain weight. I really had to take a step back (I don't think I've blogged since my stuffed turkey episode before Thanksgiving! lol) and figure out what I want for myself.  I want the "meld" that I've been talking about, but I am just not ready to do it without boundaries. 

Counting Points is not the boundary I am looking for.  IE has NO boundaries (well, yes it does but they are more ethereal-type boundaries - something I am not ready for yet), so what's a girl to do?   How can I kick the whole trust and meld concepts into gear without continuing to gain weight?  In my opinion, following the South Beach way of eating or the Simply Filling Technique gives the boundaries I am looking for without going all crazy with food-category eliminations while allowing me to live the 9 other principles of Intuitive Eating (although since SB and SF claim to be lifestyles and not diets I can almost squeak by saying I am complying with Principle #1: get rid of the diet mentality) ... I think I've come full circle, because at the very early stages of this blog I spent a lot of time talking about South Beach, Simply Filling, TRUST, etc.  What I was missing was the IE part of the puzzle - which is stopping when full, eating when hungry, allowing eating for pleasure, etc. 

I think another problem I was having was the fear of having to diet all my life.  With IE this is supposed to be removed from the equation because if you learn to eat like a normal person, not a dieter, then this will not be a problem.  With something along the lines of SB or SF then it is very much in keeping with being a normal eater.  I think these are the boundaries I need (at least right now).

I think the meld I should be looking for is not between WW and IE, but rather a meld of all the good healthy ways of eating.  OMG I know how to eat healthy - I do not need a program - any program.  The only question is - am I ready? can I do it?  I KNOW HOW TO DO IT!!!!!!!  but WILL I? 

So far so good today... but it's only noon! lol....  I don't know whether to journal my food or just take it meal-by-meal, making good choices all along.  Back to baby steps... 


Miriam

*I'm* the stuffed turkey

I just want to know.... when will I ever learn? Last night I was home alone for dinner (both DH and DS were working) and, although I could have eaten something sensible that I already had in the house, I stopped for some hot and sour soup (which is okay) which lead to a combo plate. All fried stuff. Indigestion all night. And this morning *I* am feeling like the stuffed turkey. I'm not lamenting it because of Points or calories, but because in this IE journey I am getting to know my body and what it will and will not tolerate. Why did I think that THIS would be the one time I could eat this and NOT be sick? Actually, I think, it's because as I am eating cleaner and in less quantities it takes less and less to make me sick if it's the "wrong" food. When I think back to the quantities of this type of food I could eat with NO consequences it's no wonder, I guess, that I was lead to believe it wouldn't bother me.

I'm not beating myself up except that I feel like I am dragging myself this morning - I don't even want to shower and dress - and I so looked forward to going to my DD's today ... do you think I could go unshowered, smelly and in my jammies? Do you think anyone will notice? I bet if I do they will all be wishing they had the courage to do the same thing!

I'm trying to be gentle on myself, moving slowly, savoring my coffee (I don't think I could eat) - maybe by noon I'll perk up a bit! lol lol

Sigh.............

In answer to Babs' comment

Hi Babs – thank you so much for all your comments.  Especially, as a matter of fact, the last one.  It really gave me pause to stop and think about things. Yes, what you describe is spot on – mindful eating, and making calories/Points secondary to eating healthy. 

It made me wonder why I am making such a big deal of this?  I guess that if one really gets the principles of IE (including the very first one – letting go of diet mentality) then one can become a “normal eater” which is the goal of everyone -  especially those of us who can’t see ourselves counting Points for the rest of our lives. 

Your comment made me ponder whether IE isn’t just the furtherance of the search for the “magic bullet” and whether I am wasting my time with it.  But, you have to know that I have been suffering the most with Principle #1.  In all honesty I opened my WW on-line page yesterday and started AGAIN.  But this time I will try to do it less manically.

The reason why I think I cannot give up IE, even if I discard Principle #1 and do it with WW, is that I still have “disordered” eating.  People think of anorexia, bulimia, bingeing, etc. as eating disorders, but there are many shades of it.  My disorder – specifically with regard to WW – is my manic need to find perfection.

By that I mean, if I make a casserole that serves four, I cannot just divide the plate into four.  I have to weigh each portion and spend so much time taking ½ tsp of one and putting it with the other to make sure the portions are absolutely even.  Or, like that stupid incident I talked about earlier where I wouldn’t buy a cracker because it was 15 calories more than a different-flavored counterpart (even though actually the Points are the same).  I become very obsessed with dieting.

IE says that the obsession is inherent in the diet itself.  I’m still struggling with the concept that the obsession is in ME (i.e., not letting go of Principle #1).  Dieting, whether or not I am successful with it, is in my comfort zone, while IE is not.  Is it not in my comfort zone because it’s not for me, or is it not in my comfort zone because I need so much more work on it? 

Insisting that IE is the only way to go is, to me, as wrong (maybe) as insisting dieting is the only way to.  This is why I am trying to “meld” the best concepts of the two into something that works for me. 

Am I making it more difficult than it needs to be (which thought came from reading your comment), or does it need (for me) to be this difficult to come through to the other side? 

I’m just so confused. 

Letting go of the diet mentality

I met with my counselor today and asked her to print out the 10 Principles of IE for me so that I could go through them and see where I am in making progress.  A few I am totally "there" - like respecting hunger and fullness, and even, heaven help me, exercise!  The one I am still hung up on is #1: Letting Go of the Diet Mentality. 

Yesterday I spoke of "bolting" but that was bolting out of healthy eating into crazy awful eating.  Today I still want to talk about bolting but, bolting out of IE back into dieting.  This morning on the way to work I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some apples to bring to work and while I was there I saw that Wasa crackers are on sale.  Every morning I have two Wasa crackers with lite Laughing Cow cheese topped with either fresh tomatoes or fresh cucumbers.  That breakfast never fails to hold me until lunch, and when I have something else for breakfast the day just never seems to fall into place.  So... I always buy the sourdough crackers - which are 35 calories a piece.  Since there was such a big sale I thought I would also buy other types and picked up the multigrain.  Mon dieu - 60 calories a piece.  I put it down immediately. 

So I talked about this in today's session, using it as an example of how it is still so hard for me to let go of anything to do with diet mentality. How absurd is it, really, that I would let those 25 calories stop me from trying a new food.  Why can I not pick up something only to immediately calculate Points or calories before allowing myself to have it?  Well - since I have been dieting for 5 decades, I can see why... but that doesn't make it any less ridiculous!    So one of my assignments this week is to go back to the store today and buy that multigrain Wasa and do a taste test of the two.  Really pay attention to the flavor, texture, crunch and any other quality.  Then write my impressions of the two different (or three - there is another "flavor" that I also want to try) crackers.  Allow myself to eat it - and savor it (well, as much as a Wasa cracker can be savored! LOL).  Try them with my Laughing Cow cheese that I have in the mornings.  Try them with the different vegetables on top.  Try them with other toppings and do a side-by-side comparison test. 

What would be some lessons?  That, if I didn't like the new flavor it might open the possibility that there might be other things that I wouldn't like anyway, but want them because they are forbidden?  That I like the other flavor and a whole new world would be open to me at the price of only 25 calories?  That I can eat something that is higher in calories and not feel wicked or naughty or bad?  That I find I can eat something I like and stop at the usual serving that I have anyway?  That I don't care for the new flavor(s) and then make a decision not to have them - instead of the decision being made for me based on calorie count?  The lessons from my Wasa cracker taste test are endless!

The other assignment is to try to detach myself from diet thinking.  Not in a way that I force myself not to think about dieting, but in a way that I am just an observer, not a participant.  My counselor said another client gave her this metaphor:  Pretend that you are lying on the bottom of the ocean looking up.  Above you, you see the waves, the fish, people swimming, boats in the water, etc.  But you are just laying there, looking up - not involved in the action, just observing it.  That's what she wants me to do every time I have a diet thought this week. 

For instance, if I have an urge to count Points in my head - just observe the thought, but don't actively participate in it.  Or, with the Wasa crackers, I could have picked up the other flavor, read the calorie count - but the reading of that calorie count should have the same effect on me as if I was seeing a blue label instead of a green one - it shouldn't carry any impact on my decision - it is just something I am observing, not something I am participating in by way of deciding whether I should have 25 more calories a slice. 

I can't resist a second image right here, that sums it all up, when talking about letting go of the diet mentality:

Learning not to bolt

One of those days.  Hangin' on but barely.  I don't know whether it's the change in weather (just saw the first snowflake and the wind is howling up a storm) or just it's too good to be true that I had so many feelin'-good days in a row!  (I think part of it is also that I didn't go for my walk today - I had a chiropractor visit last night for my back/hip and this morning I woke up with the realization that I had better take at least this one day off.)

One thing I AM hyper-aware of is that I used to drown my blues in food.  Maybe that's exactly why I'm hyper-aware! lol  Without the food to keep me occupied I'm noticing my mood.  Well, I've always noticed my moods - what is different is that I'm noticing that I'm not running to food as a way to obliterate it (and I didn't really notice that part of the equation before!).  Normally by now I would have made a trip to the vending machine, which in turn would have made the rest of the day totally downhill - probably stopping for Chinese food on the way home, with or without the doughnut or burger & fries appetizer.  How many times just this past week was I aware of the deep feeling to bolt whatever it was I was doing and head for food?  A lot!

I found that this morning I was just overwhelmed with how much I have to do in the house.  I always say that I wish I could clean my house as if I was moving.  And, not the type of move where you throw the contents of the junk drawer into a box to be dealt with at the new house.  The type of move like when we had to close my mother's apartment and I realized that it really was not necessary to keep a jar of thumbtacks for a non-existent cork bulletin board, or a box of cards with mismatched envelopes. 

So today after lunch, instead of topping it off with something that I neither needed, nor really wanted, I sat and made a drawer by drawer, cabinet by cabinet and closet by closet list of every single nook and cranny that I wanted to clean in the upstairs of the house.  (I'll deal with the basement later.)

What I realized is that it doesn't have to all be done at once (which is where the overwhelm comes in).  Instead I can tackle one drawer a day, or a closet over a weekend.  It made me think about why Intuitive Eating and dieting can seem so overwhelming.  We all want to lose the weight NOW, or even better... YESTERDAY.  The saying that it didn't come on all at once you're not going to lose it all at once, is very true.  But with dieting you are mainly just looking at those results.  With IE it is so much deeper than that.  It's making small progress with all 10 principles, but mostly making progress with no longer feeling the need to bolt (in the direction of food or other avoidance behavior) when there is an unpleasant activity or emotion that pops up or is looming in the future.  It's also the acknowledgment that it is not black and white, but very much rainbow.

Just today by not taking my walk I had that lesson.  I was almost on the verge of beating myself up for not walking, but then, first of all, decided to be kind to myself and realized that the decision not to walk was best for my body today.  Second, I thought back how, with black and white thinking, I would use today's missed walk as an excuse to say the heck with it, and not walk again until maybe Monday, and certainly use it as an excuse to eat randomly.  Really - if I missed a day of a cleaning project would I go to the cabinets and drawers I had already cleaned and just empty everything out on to the floor? 

Each and every day is a lesson with IE - so much more than just sticking to an "eat this not that" type of list.  It's harder than a diet.  There are bleak days I am hanging on by my fingernails.  But then there are days I am able to just hang in the sunlight with all four paws, so I can take a day like this every once in a while - as long as I use it as a lesson and not as an excuse.

What do YOU do when you are hanging on like that little kitten above?

Miriam

Just loving my Garmin Forerunner 10 GPS monitor.  It has opened a whole new (old) world to me.  OLD because I used to power walk 5 miles a day, which dwindled to nothing.  Then after some hopeful - but unsuccessful - attempts after my knee surgery I finally gave up.  This now enables me to take short "meaningful" walks while providing excellent feedback and motivation.  I use the word meaningful because it was important to me to know my distance and even the best pedometers were crappy - so I was limited to walking routes that I could clock with the car.  Now I can walk wherever my nose takes me, and I can accurately measure the distance - but it's so much more than that - it records pace, which I love because I can see if I can beat my personal best.  It also records a ton of other stuff (elevation, fastest pace within the time, elapsed time, moving time, etc.).  I can also pause it as needed.  I also love that I upload the information and the GPS writes out a map of your route.  I print it out everyday and make notations to myself.  LOVE IT!

So what's the connection to Intuitive Eating?  I picked up a card from the "Association for Size Diversity and Health" that was in my counselor's office, and one of statements of the organization's goals is "Promoting individually appropriate, enjoyable, life-enhancing physical activity, rather than exercise that is focused on a goal of weight loss."  If you remember back about a year I jumped (literally) into swimming but finally gave that up because the pool hours were very inconvenient and an hour of swimming required 2 hours out of the office (showering, changing, driving back to the office, etc.).  So I had to find something convenient that I could fit into my day.  I knew it would be walking but I just was not successful after my surgery.

Somehow this Garmin has made it all possible. By being able to clock the route I can commit to a mile walk every single day (it usually comes out to a bit more actually).  I came back from my walk today feeling, for the first time, like my old self.  AND, when I am in the zone with activity I find that eating choices become so much easier.  It's as if my body COMMANDS me to eat well and healthily.  Eating well and exercising go hand-in-hand for me.  Always has.  And after having lost that mojo for so many years, it is SO nice to have it back.

Miriam

Quiet time

I had a very interesting session yesterday, covering so many things that I was exhausted after 45 minutes when usually I want to go for a second hour!

I talked about my recent yearning and craving for quiet time.  I've been driving home from work at night swearing that I will set my alarm to get up just a little bit early and go to my beautiful quiet office - where I have purchased a "nursing" glider just for me (at one point I had purchased a comfy recliner just for me but it was reassigned to the living room).  But every morning I sleep late and dash out of the house, coffee in hand.  However, after yesterday's session, I did get up early this morning, and just sat quietly with my coffee in my beautiful personal room.  The feeling was so exquisite I actually started crying.  I read the second-day declaration from Joel Osteen's book "I Declare" and it was so nice to read it aloud and have the quiet and serenity to pay attention.

When I was in my office I looked around and realized that I have things from two of my aunts and my mother in there, and I just wrote a fourth sister to ask her if she would like to give me something of hers to complete the energy.  I also have a lovely portrait of my grandmother from when she was 16, done sometime in the 1800's that I will also hang in there to complete the energy of the Finkle women.  Anyway - it was a lovely way to start the day and not something that I will be apt to miss from hereon.

When I began talking about my yearning for quiet time and about how if I could just have a drop in cortisol levels then I would probably lose weight, my counselor talked to me about the autonomic nervous system (ANS).  From the way I live my life, my "fight or flight" branch of the ANS is in strong working order, but not so much the "rest and digest" branch, and that's what I am going to work on.  Finding some quiet time for myself is going to be a priority right now.  The wedding is over, my mother is not in any sort of crisis situation, my son is doing well, and, all in all, life is good.  No need to fight or flight it.

But how this all began is that I was telling her that I had a very strange episode on Monday night.  I was experiencing..... NOTHING!!!!!!  I sat quiet for a few minutes in the evening, and realized that I wasn't hungry and I wasn't full.  I was absolutely in the middle- not even a little bit to the right or left of middle.  I told her it was almost scary.  It is at that quiet moment that I usually jump up and eat and do my most destruction with nighttime eating.  It is always after dinner when I am NOT hungry at all.  Things are quiet.  I'm not necessarily even bored or lonely or stressed from the day.  I'm NOTHING....  With my overdeveloped "fight or flight" energy I always feel I have to be doing something, feeling something, EATING something.  It's uncomfortable to NOT be uncomfortable. LOL!

So she asked me to explore the tension between the fear of the quiet and the craving of the quiet.  That middle point of NOTHINGNESS, where I am torn between wanting to jump up and eat because I am afraid of the quiet and wanting to just sit with it and let it envelop me.  I am hoping that my morning exercise of sitting quietly in my special room will help me overcome the fear of quiet.  I believe that once I reach that point I can also defeat my need to be always eating and always on the go.

Have you had your quiet time today?
Miriam

Faith in the blossom...

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."  (Anais Nin)  I saw this as a window into the fear involved in going totally "IE" and I posted as such on the Intuitive Eating website.  A very wise member answered me this way:

"A blossom is a prelude to a fruit which grows into a new tree with more blossoms! What is to fear of a blossom 'dropping'?!? Its all a part of the lovely cycles of nature. Why deny yourself of that experience and joy?

And until you fully 'embrace' IE as you seem to have WW, how can you compare these? It seems to me that you may be ascribing 'limits' with control which may feel safe or comfortable (a known?) for you? I have come to realize that IE IS and always has been my true grounded and 'comfort' spot. Happy to read that you are coming to peace with this (IE) too. I sure found it to be peaceful for me."

I also realized that fear and faith cannot co-exist.  I think that is one of the things that is hardest about IE.  That leap of faith.  Faith that you can tune into your body's signals.  Faith that once you eat according to the ebb and flow of your needs your weight will return to a natural and healthy state.  Faith that your body will know what it wants and in what quantity it wants it.  Faith that you do not need diet programs or scales or points or calories or grams.  Faith that there are no good foods or bad foods, but that your own body will know what not to eat if it has allergies or problems.

My blossom is having faith that whatever follows "I am" will find me.  I am an intuitive eater.  I am able.  I am beautiful.  I am more than a number on the scale.  I am making progress with all the IE work that I am doing - on my own, with my counselor, with the help of my friends who also respect my decision to do IE instead of a diet,  and with my supporters at my IE community.

Is it Spring yet?

Miriam 

Diet Scare

So yesterday (Sunday) is my usual cooking day.  I made no-noodle lasagna (which came out sort of like eggplant Parmesan - which is fine by me; barley skillet casserole; sausage breakfast casserole; pumpkin pie; then everything for dinner: roast chicken, couscous pilaf, cranberry orange relish, and brussels sprouts with shallots and bacon.  (ALL WW and Emily Bites recipes, by the way!!)  Okay I'm cool.  I don't need to eat it all at once - it's for the whole week.

What I did do was have a slice of the lasagna.  OMG --- TOO yummy.  I had a second piece.  Enter: THE DIET MENTALITY.  In my mind I know each slice is 9 points (even though I didn't write it down!) and when I had the two slices I am thinking - OMG 18 points - that's more than half my allowance for the day.  If I stopped with the thought I wouldn't be having this conversation.  IHowever, IMMEDIATELY my mind went to the "black and white I've blown it" version of how I've lived the past 50 year of my life, and I started to think of everything else I could possibly eat. Then I called up my WW tracking site again and started to write things down. Ditched that.  Started to look up Core-type programs figuring out if I could get away with calling the lasagna "Core" thereby giving myself after-the-fact permission for eating it.  I could see myself being sucked into the bottomless vortex of diet mentality.  I left the house and pursued my other addiction - shopping.

I ate WAY too much at dinner (not way too much because of points values, but way too much because I was full and kept eating -- after all, I had already blown the day).  THEN scouted out chocolate candy once I was in bed for the night.  This was all triggered, of course, not by the lasagna but going back further into the day - by getting on the scale and seeing a gain. (Sorry for the graphic - but I should have weighed myself again AFTER going to the bathroom - lol.)   I should have just gotten back in bed at that first point and have stayed with covers over my head for the rest of the day.

So after contemplating that this IE experience is so new it still takes so little to catapult me into diet mentality, I decided to make this a fresh day.  As I went to finish my second cup of coffee, I realized I didn't want it but was only drinking it because I had already measured out (and "counted") the cream.  WHAT AM I DOING?  I threw it out.  Then I was a little hungry (I had eaten so much yesterday I wasn't starving at my usual 6AM) but instead of eating at that moment, I realized that what I really wanted was the breakfast casserole that I had assembled yesterday and "soaked" overnight.  So I put it in the oven and patiently waited.  I had the most yummy slice (without that second cup of coffee) for breakfast.  THEN I faced that lasagna again later for lunch.  But this time I did it in a SMART way.  I had a salad first.  Then steamed asparagus to have on the side.  AND put it all on my favorite plates, that I have reserved for company (I think I will use them more often - just for me!).  It was a perfect portion -- same as yesterday, but today I wasn't blinded by the sparkle of DM (diet mentality).  

I was watching Oprah's Lifeclass last night and my favorite person (Joel Osteen) was on it - they were talking about this:  "Whatever follows 'I am' will find you."  So today instead of the usual "I am's" I am going to say today:  I am smart.  I am able to understand and incorporate IE into my life.  I am able to pick myself up after falling into the DM vortex.  I am able to be patient with myself.  I AM STRONG.

Miriam

Finally understanding Intuitive Eating

         So this was my latest project (below).  I am working on finding myself with Intuitive Eating.  I've been working with a counselor since before my trip to Italy, but I could not bring myself to agree to that which is the foundation of all Intuitive Eating:  Principle #1: REJECT THE DIET MENTALITY.  My desire to reject the diet mentality dates back to many many blog entries ago when I said that I knew in my heart that I should be able to trust myself after all these years, but after years and years of dieting (my mother dropped me off at a Weight Watchers meeting in 1969!) I could not shake the core belief that I must follow a prescribed diet in order to lose weight.  Moving into Intuitive Eating is an entire paradigm shift which I was not ready for.  I did a lot of hard work trying to figure out how to let Weight Watchers go.  I wrote page after page of pros and cons of each; I wrote a long LONG letter to "Dear Diet" - in which the diet was able to answer me back as long as I got the last word; and I worked on the venn diagram below. I think that I've found the path to meld what I've learned all these years through Weight Watchers tools, while at the same time letting  go of the diet mentality to start the journey of Intuitive Eating.

         I think that most people (myself included) have misunderstood Intuitive Eating to mean: Eat whatever you want, whenever you want, until you are satisfied.  That is a recipe for gaining weight and learning nothing. What I have found in my work on Intuitive Eating since July is that I need to stop and think about what would really really satisfy me, make sure I am hungry - but do wait if it is only an urge or a craving, make sure that I am feeding physical hunger, and learn the cues for what "being satisfied" means.  It also means really tuning into my body signals to figure out that tipping point where it's too much, or not really the food that my body wants.  The more I tune into those signals the more I can make decisions.  If I eat a HUGE salad with some protein and a wonderful dressing I feel GREAT!  If I eat even a medium portion of lasagna I tend to fill immediately and feel uncomfortable afterwards.  These are signals that I never listened to before.  So even though I want lasagna and can eat it if I want I also have to respect my body and have just a little piece (even if in points-speak I have 15 points to "spend") and absolutely stop before I am satisfied/full because I know from experience I will not feel well later.  So IE really isn't a free-for-all.  You still have to respect certain things about how, why, when and how much you eat.

          I've also done a lot of hard work on the relationship between emotions and eating.  A diet will teach you to reach for "non-damaging" foods when you have an emotion you need to stuff down.  How many carrots and celery and heads of lettuce (and in really desperate times how much candy and chips) have I eaten instead of sitting quietly with the emotion, identifying what it is, and either letting it pass or thinking it through, maybe reframing how you feel about it or finding solutions for it?  IE isn't about eating a bag of baby carrots because you need the crunch to work out the anxiety or anger or nervousness. It's about sitting with those emotions and riding them through WITHOUT food.  IE is hard hard work.  Much easier to bowl through a bag of carrots (if you are out of points) or chips (if you have plenty of points).  I'm not saying that diets encourage you to eat your emotions, but they are less instrumental in having you work with them and more instrumental in helping you find ways to find less "damaging" foods. 

        Anyway, from here on this blog is going to take an Intuitive Eating twist.  I really feel that this is the way "normal" people do it.  And, as I am now in my 60th decade, I think it's time to learn what it is to be "normal" and stop the diet madness.