puzzle pieces

I was struck by something yesterday.  I had an inkling it was an important puzzle piece in the quest for why I am so weight-loss resistant.

My boss said he needed to see me in his office, and right away I though - "Oh what trouble am I in?"  All he wanted to do was talk to me about ordering him new chairs.  But it got me to seriously thinking: I have never, in 15 years, been called into anyone's office because I am in trouble, yet, every single time my boss wants to talk to me my heart sinks to my feet and I wonder what "fireable" offense I committed.  Why is that my go-to reaction?

I started to think about it and realized that practically the only interactions I ever had with my parents or teachers were to scold, insult, or complain about me or something I had done.  I grew up with such a lack of self esteem and such a lack of outward affection and love.  I never understood it either.  Whenever one of my parents found fault with me I couldn't understand why they didn't see what was good.  I remember when I battled long and hard to bring my grade in something up to an A, and all my father said was "What's the matter: Don't they give A+ anymore?"  And that was the end of that report card's conversation.  Is it no wonder that every time I am called to talk to someone I automatically feel that I am in trouble?

So why is this a puzzle piece?  After meeting with my boss I said to myself - no wonder I don't feel worthy of losing weight and having the feeling of success that would go with it.  I've never been worthy of anything.  Don't they give A+ anymore?  If I lose 1 pound, it's worthless because I should have lost 2.  If I lose 2 pounds it's worthless because I should have lost 5.  No such thing as NSVs (non-scale victories) if it can't be measured it worthless, and even if a success can be measured it's worthless because it's not enough.

I have struggled so long and so hard to lose weight, and never get anywhere with it.  Is this feeling of worthlessness part of the puzzle?  How do I go about shaking that off and removing it from my history?  Babs - you mentioned in your comment yesterday that I am such a fighter.  In part that is so because I am so sick of being beaten down.  Maybe I am already in the process of shaking off this feeling of not being worthy of losing weight.

My diet demons seem to come in the evening.  It's when I am tired and my defenses are down. It's also reminiscent of when I used to sneak food.  It was such an accomplishment to make my way into the pantry after my parents had gone to bed to sneak cereal and crackers, or to quietly open the refrigerator and sneak leftovers of a slice or two of bologna that wouldn't be missed.  Or into the piano bench where my father thought he was hiding the chocolates.  I'll show THEM who's boss! lol  I'm successful in sneaking if I'm not successful in anything else! I think there is still a little of that going on in the evenings now.  I may be home alone.  It's MY house.  It's MY stuff.  But I still sneak.  I still show I am not worthy of eating in the daylight in front of everyone. I still show "them" who's boss.

That has been happening less and less as I work on the demons, but I couldn't quite understand why I am still being stymied in so many ways.  But, after yesterday's revelation when another piece of the puzzle showed itself to me, I am closer to being a whole all on my own and less in need of food to fill me.

Miriam
p.s. Flo - LOVED the look of that recipe - I printed it out and I know what I am having for dinner tomorrow night (although I will have to go out and buy the bottle of beer because I don't have any in the house right now).  It's not similar to the brining process because the chicken has to sit up to 8 hours in the brine and then it is taken out of the brine and then cooked.