I did go for my kayaking lesson. Then went again with a friend. And then again alone. And bought a season pass and am signing up for some of the scheduled guided tours (one is pictured above, of Boston Harbor). As I was paddling on the Charles River yesterday I realized why no track or treadmill could take the place of my love of walking outdoors, and which I no longer do to the extent or speed that I used to (in spite of many dedicated efforts). Being outdoors in nature, in the elements, is really what I love - the vehicle for it (walking or kayaking) is beside the point!
What I hope to get out of the kayaking experience - beside the exercise it provides... and believe me, it does: and I am SO hungry when I get off the water that I know I am truly working and expending calories... is the ability to reclaim my life. I am doing this on many levels.
One is the pure physical level - it's good to be out working my body, proving to myself that I am not an old washed-up woman with bad knees and too much girth and too much fatigue and a need to sit in a recliner and watch TV believing that this is only safe "sport" allowed that doesn't hurt me.
One is on a mental level - no TV, no music, no noise, no chatter and clatter of a gym or a mall (for walking). I tried so hard to quiet my mind on the river yesterday, but I had so much internal chatter going on. I know it will take practice to quiet my mind. I wish I could start my day with this, but the facilities do not open until late in the morning. However, at either end of the day I need to quiet my mind and the endless chatter: In the morning it would help to to not be thinking about the upcoming day and all the worries and concerns it might bring but at the other end of the day, it helps to let everything go. Eventually I hope to quiet my mind and just learn to be present in the moment, which leads me to another level of reclaiming my life:
A spiritual level. My hope for this experience is to make this a moving meditation - where I eventually think of nothing but the rhythm of the paddling and the fleeting thoughts about the beauty of the nature I am traversing.
Working these three levels through kayaking - physical, mental and spiritual - is a beautiful synergistic relationship with the work I am doing with Karly Pitman's work that I wrote about in previous posts. Right now I am doing deep work in the chapter on "Acceptance" and as I worked on it this morning, I had so many light bulbs illuminating my mind I almost needed sunglasses just to think. Although I have given "lip service" to not defining myself by my weight or eating habits, it never really gelled until this morning: Trusting myself to be on the water myself, being strong, being balanced, taking the initiative to do this, following through - these qualities define me, not that I am 50 pounds overweight. That I am a wonderful mother, wife and friend - these define me, not that I sometimes binge at night. That I am a hard worker, a good teacher, and take pride in my home - these define me, not that I sometimes don't make good food decisions.
What I have been looking for in food isn't there at all. What I have been looking for has been to fill some non-physical hunger. The hunger has been to find who I really am. These qualities above, that DO define me, these are who I am. Not cookies, candy, extra helpings, night time eating, senseless bingeing. I feel I am ready to reclaim my life. I am ready to be on the water.
Miriam
