Don't they give A+'s anymore?

Had my appointment today and was telling Marci all the wonderful breakthroughs I've had while sitting with my emotions and feelings instead of running for food.  I wish I could have recorded the session (and I might ask her next time) as we had so many good discussions just in the span of that hour (50 minutes, to be exact). 

I told her of my watermelon flashback: I had opened the fridge to see a bowl of watermelon that my husband had cut up.  Immediately I saw my father very carefully slicing watermelon and giving me my piece. I always wanted more. At the same time I also had a memory of his slicing halva (a candy made from tahini and sugar) - slicing it ever so thin, and my getting my one piece.  I always wanted more.  I never got enough.  I see now that this not only led to my life-long behavior of sneaking food, or always eating a last supper in case I could never get the food again, or always eating more than enough just because I can.  Marci said that this deprivation in childhood is such a universal root of disordered eating, and she was surprised that I got these flashbacks and awareness so soon into my IE journey.  I also joked that I wonder if my father doled out portions like that to everyone, or if my skinny sister got TWO pieces - the question is probably moot, though, because she wouldn't have wanted two....

I also told her about my experience last Thursday night of pulling out the bag of pretzels and filling a bowl.  I started to bring the first one to my lips then immediately stopped in mid-air.  I had been out that night shopping for dresses for the groom's mother.  It wasn't that I was "just" shopping.  I had reverted back to my frenzied shopping that I have worked so hard over the years to stop (and for the most part, I've been successful).  What I mean by that is that I didn't just pick up a dress - I bought three gowns in her size but different styles and sizes.  That would have been okay, I suppose, but I also bought myself a gown that I did not need (and which I returned the very next morning).  I was walking around the store, late at night, thinking to myself "Must Shop.  Must Shop."  So as I picked up that pretzel I realized that it was because of the anxiety that my old shopping-behavior triggered.  I put the pretzel down and walked out of the kitchen.

But later in the session when I was talking about this again, I beat myself up, not acknowledging that it was a REALLY BIG thing that not only did I walk away but I realized that the pretzels were linked to the anxiety. Marci said to me - why couldn't I be happy with THAT.  Why did I think it wasn't good enough because I shouldn't even have TAKEN the pretzels out of the bag, or even have THOUGHT about them. 

Another flashback:  I remember bringing home my report card and showing it to my father. I don't know if was all As or a mix of As and Bs.  He said to me: "Don't they give A+'s anymore?"  And so it began. Nothing was ever good enough.  I am not enough.  I must control the universe.  I must be the boss of the world. 

This mix of control, deprivation, self-blame, self-worth ... all tie in to my disordered eating and also explains why dieting doesn't work for me (more on that in another post). 

Anyway - we covered so much more - my head is just spinning.

Miriam