Beginning a new journey - peeling the onion

I thought I would take a longer hiatus than this while I sorted things out on the path to the NEW ME part of this blog.  I also considered keeping a private journal instead of a public blog, but have been encouraged to share, as it may help other people, and that's really what this blog started as - a way to help people facing, or going through, total knee replacement.  The response was so encouraging and supportive, that it buoyed this latest decision to share.

As I had posted in earlier entries, my "dieting" has bounced around all over the place, most recently landing on the WW on-line square.  This time it didn't even take 48 hours before I knew I just couldn't diet anymore.  I think the crisis of wanting to lose weight before the wedding is what brought it all to a head ("time to pee or get off the pot") and the more I wanted to follow the diet, the less I could bring myself to do it.

Years ago I had read all about Intuitive Eating  and even "dabbled" in it.  However, I, like thousands of others who tried and failed, neglected to understand that it is NOT all about eating whatever you want, whenever you want, in whatever quantity you want.  Although the first two are correct (whatever and whenever) the key is that you MUST tune into your hunger/satiety signals and that will determine the quantity.  If you truly do mindful eating this way, you will not be in any danger of gaining weight (most people are terrified of following this path because they are afraid they will gain weight), you will achieve a healthy weight, eat like a "normal" person (don't we all dream of that?), and also reach a state of health, because as you tune into your body, you will begin to pull from healthy foods and let the junk go.  I always said it was harder than dieting (at first glance the misunderstood "free-for-all" makes it seem it will be easier) but I never really appreciated HOW hard until now.

I have had disordered eating since my childhood, and no amount of calorie counting, Points counting, weighing, measuring, stepping on the scale, chastising myself, etc. is going to straighten this out.  For me, it was hardly ever about the food.  Sometimes it is - as Dr. Phil once said, "Sometimes you just want a party in your mouth!"  But the fact that I couldn't stop after the party again showed it wasn't about the food. 

I started to journal my hunger/satiety signals (before and after eating) and was shocked that, when I actually paid attention, I started my eating at 3-4 ("Ready for a meal" to "Edge of Hunger, Snack Time") and stopped at 5-6 ("Neutral" to "Mildly satisfied - like after a snack").  I rarely got to a 2 ("Very Hungry) or stopped at a 7 ("Satisfied - like after a meal").   Prior to this type of journaling I would fall outside those parameters.  And because I didn't tune into my full (or getting full) signal, I always overate - even snacks.  And let me say here, that's where something like Weight Watchers or calorie counting can be valuable for people who just need to understand what a portion is, what a meal is, how to not eat all day long with no limits, etc.  But for someone like me, with disordered eating - I know all that - I'm a professional dieter!  I just can't stop the party.  Appetite awareness training is more valuable to me than just eating according to set guidelines. 

So here I am with a new idea, and a new resolve.  But how do I just keep it from becoming another diet with rules?  I am on an Intuitive Eating support group, and one of the members posted this (and I did ask her permission and she said it was okay to share):  ""Using a coach/therapist and nutritionist helped me to actually apply what I read in self-help books to my own situation. I've always read self-help books, but then have been so inside myself that I couldn't see the forest for the trees, plus I'd get sidetracked, and then it turned into just another good book I'd read. Having an appointment out there helped to keep me mindful of my goals on a day to day basis. It certainly didn't make for less work, but kept me doing the work, on the right path, and from becoming discouraged and giving up, because it takes a long time."

So... I have started with a registered dietitian who is trained in Intuitive Eating counseling.  I can "use" her for diet support if I like - she is a registered dietitian after all - but this is a golden opportunity to truly get rid of my disordered eating, and peel away the layers of the onion (which has already started - with quite a few jolts when I wasn't expecting it).

So, friends, now that I have passed my first year anniversary on my KNEE  I can tuck those conversations behind me, and move on to ME.

Miriam