I just discovered a new (but very old) blog that I want to share with you: http://greattkr.blogspot.com. He had his TKR in September 2004, so I checked in on January 2005, which is 4 months post-op which is about where I am now. I know I have friends following me, but if you are in the middle of a TKR recovery you might want to follow his blog as well as mine.
So - what brought me to that blog? (I've been there before but this time I bookmarked it.) I was googling "Depression and TKR" as I have been having such blue days. Maybe part of it is I am missing my family (my husband's father, by the way, went home today and is having a fabulous recovery - everyone sounded happy all around), still stressed over my mother's situation (even though she is in a great place, Alzheimer's still is no picnic for the family), and in general so discouraged over my limitations, most notably the swelling and discomfort when (or following) walking, or the stiffness when I get up in the morning. No pain, mind you - so where's the happy dance?
I have just so neglected myself this week. I know that walking, stretching, swimming, hot-tub use, etc., makes me feel SO much better, but when I'm so down I can't get myself to do anything. This is just not one of my chipper days, let's say.... It's Friday and the end to a long week. I have so much to do this last weekend with the house to myself, I'll keep myself busy enough so that I don't wallow in whatever mud I seem to be wallowing in...
Having re-read this previous paragraph I was thinking of all the GREAT things I did for myself this week: I went walking a few times, bought myself an AM/PM stretch DVD for days I need a land stretch, got a really cute haircut yesterday, and went bra shopping at Intimacy with my sister-in-law, getting a new wardrobe of bras, followed by a really nice lunch on Newbury Street. I've been sleeping late, going to bed early, and eating well. Oh my gosh... what IS my problem?
I think this whole depression/feeling blue "thing" is a very real syndrome of TKR recovery from what I'm gathering (and so am writing about it to warn those of you that are heading down this road). It stems from the disappointment that sets in 4-5 months out from recovery when things just aren't going as smoothly and swiftly as you have dreamed about. (My heart goes out to the people who are still struggling after a year!) I know that my 4-month situation is more like other people's 8 or more-month situation so it's not so much that I am belly-aching. I just wish I could get up from a chair and just go - I still have to stand for a split second before my brain gets my body in gear. I wish I could finish a walk without my knee swelling up and getting hot. I wish I didn't still feel like I was going to fall when I walk up or down an incline. I wish ... I wish... I wish...
I'm feeling that I probably hit 75% of my recovery in these first four months. The remaining 25% will take the next 8 months. I actually had to laugh when I realized that according to the calendar I'm only 4 months + 1 week from surgery - even less if we start counting from the manipulation. Not long at all... I just need more practice in putting things into perspective...
Okay -now that I've depressed you all, I'm feeling better. :)
Off to clean....
Miriam
But you got up and kept moving girlfriend! Much more than some. When we get depressed and don't move it only hurts us more. Keep on truckin'.....and I will be right behind you!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes just getting it off our chest is the most therapeutic thing you can do -- glad you feel better now that you've done that! I know when my turn comes - and I know it will! - I will be re-reading every one of your journal entries, Miriam...so, once again, thanks so much for sharing your heartfelt thoughts and feelings...both the good and the bad! And as Elaine says, just keep going and know that you can lean on us - and vent - any time you need to! Take care!!
ReplyDeleteHugs for you.
ReplyDeleteMiriam, hang in there. Based on my experience, this bummed out time is cyclical. It just gets old doing all the work and not seeing fantastic results. It really gets bad if someone else is doing so much better than you are. Just keep looking at all the small improvements, and think back to 6 months ago and where you were. At
ReplyDeleteleast now when you go shopping with your SIL, out to eat, to visit your mother, it's not with pain in your knee with every step! The pain you have now is different, but it's not that bone grinding kind you probably had before. Just in the past 2 weeks have I had a glimmer that I might return to my image of normal sometime soon. Then the next day it's not there. But then the glimmer returns again. It's just a one step forward, 2 steps back kind of thing. I totally relate to your feelings because I have had them numerous times in the past 10+ months. I think the better you get, the more impatient you become. (By the way, I have been AMAZED at what all you are doing at this point in time. You are doing great; in fact, maybe you are pushing yourself too hard.)
The TKR blog is great. I read the whole thing before my surgery. I said if I had known that his was out there, I probably would not have started a blog. Go read his last posts--it will inspire you. I think all the time that I want to kneel like him, garden like he does, and participate in biking, etc.
So glad to hear that your father-in-law is doing well; I have been praying for him.