Day 21

Just so you don't think I'm so wonderful and this is all wine and roses... I had a horrible eating experience last night.  I should have just HALTED and had my second shake but instead I went for cookies and then, just for the heck of it, I had a handful of popcorn.  For some reason it was important for me to totally smack this program in the face.  Of course I am the one who fell down on my rump, not the program, but that's okay - I am fine this morning and ready to see through the last week.

What was going on?  I have come so far with emotional eating, but this is a reminder that it is waiting in the wings for me.  As much as I can list what was going on in my mind to drive me to cookies, I cannot fathom why I didn't care enough about myself to stop it.  I think, as with any emotional eating, it was a distraction - if I am busy being mad at myself for straying, then I won't be busy facing what was bothering me:

1. I was in incredible pain all day - my leg, my back and my shoulder.  I started researching the lumbar facet joint injections again and am just so conflicted about them.  Part of me just wants relief but I think the part of me that drove me to cookies is the part that knows that if I was vigilant about the home exercises and actually did more of those and walking, the problem might be greatly alleviated without the injections.  So I think I was hating myself for not helping myself, more than I was trying to distract myself from the pain.
2. I was in a sibling email loop which addressed my mother's weight gain.  She had been losing too much weight even with supplements and the nursing home was at a loss as to what to do and did not want to get into feeding-tube territory.  So I had the idea to bring in all her favorite snacks - which I did, and she gained weight.  So yesterday the nursing home said we could withdraw the snacks now, as she had successfully gained 5 pounds (took three months of snaking to do it!).  Two of my siblings (the long-distance ones who know NOTHING about anything and who don't deal with this personally day in and day out) said yes, they thought it was a good idea too because she wasn't eating her regular meals, and what about her health with all the sugar and crap I was allowing her to eat.  OMG - she is 98 years old and not on a single health-related medication.  But no, THEY knew it was unhealthy to give her all those snacks and it was a good thing the nursing home finally put an end to it.  I was angry.  Eating the cookies helped me forget those emails.
3. I was constipated again.  Some cookies and popcorn surely would upset my stomach enough to get things moving.  But also eating those things got my mind off the fact that my mind is starting to wander into the realm of wondering if this detox is good for anything, really, and if I am on the right path. 
4. I was mad that I haven't lost weight - so what the hell - I might as well have cookies. Besides, cookies were a way to beat up the program and kick it to the curb.  See?  I can eat cookies and not drop dead.  
5. I was SO HUNGRY on the way home from work. It reminded me of how I used to be before going on the program. Going to one scoop/two shakes (from 2 scoops/three shakes) really threw me for a loop. I stopped at the supermarket and got two cooked skinless chicken breasts with some sort of bruschetta sauce on them.  I was feeling bad about doing that (not pasture-raised, no control over the ingredients).  I might as well have gone to get a Big Mac with an extra-large fries for the guilt that chicken caused me.  I felt myself spiraling into the diet mentality that I have worked so hard to break free from - guilt over eating something not "on program" and the black and white, all or nothing thinking - well I ate that, I might as well binge on cookies.....

Oh well... there was probably a 6, 7, 8, 9 AND 10... but it is a new day, and I am back on the program.  Just one more week.

I am glad I wrote this all out.  It makes me hate my cookie episode less, and instead I understand it more.  Although I still do not entirely understand why I just did not have my second shake of the day (I landed up skipping it).  I am not even entirely sure I would stop myself if this happened again.  

But I looked at the calendar and realized that I almost made it through 21 full days without touching a morsel that was not on the program.  I can do it one more week!

Miriam