Serenity now....

Hope you all weathered the storm.  We were without power and phone for about 36 hours.  I came home from work and emptied the freezer and fridge and brought it all to the trash, just as the lights flickered on.  Some things could have been saved, but it was freeing: I got rid of all those bottles of salad dressing with 2 TBS in them; leftovers that I didn't like the first time around; and dairy and cold cuts that would have lasted only another day, at best.  Tomorrow we'll wash out the fridge and freezer and start fresh!

So Friday I went to physical therapy and told my therapist that I had just reached my 3-month anniversary.  She smiled and said "That's great - only nine more months to go!"  I actually was ready to discharge myself - she said it is always best when it comes from the client.  I have one more approved visit (although she had put in for more that week) and suggested that I take the appointment coming to me for one last stretch, massage, and instruction.  It's funny - just a week prior I was so worried about stopping PT and here I was wanting to cancel even the one visit I have left. 

I don't know what precipitated it.  Maybe several things: First of all I am tired of taking the time out of my day to go to my appointment.  When it was ALL I was doing and it was my top priority that was different.  Now I am ready to get on with my life.  Also, instead of exercising specifically I am finding that I am doing more real-life things.  In other words, instead of practicing my stair exercises I am actually taking the stairs - up AND down.  Instead of just practicing my balancing exercises I have started doing my belly dance drills, which require a great deal of balance.  Instead of just doing my pool PT, I have started to do "real" swimming. 

I have also come to terms with the fact that I do have nine more months to go.  I understand that I will be in pain on and off.  I understand that my knee will feel stiff and swollen - maybe even beyond the one-year mark.  I understand that many things I long to do, will come in time, with strength and endurance.  I understand that it's time to move into real life ... but still with patience and precautions. 

I also realized - maybe just today - that having a total knee replacement was really a life-altering experience for me.  Recovery became my total life priority.  It has taught me to be humble, accepting help from anyone who has been kind enough to offer it.  It has taught me to be patient.  It has taught me that the world is filled with caring and loving people.  It has taught me that I am one of the very lucky ones to be blessed with excellent medical insurance.  It has taught me to realize my limitations, and to slow down and respect the needs of my body.  It has taught me that everything can't get done - and when they don't, then the world keeps spinning and life goes on. 

Something is happening in my family right now (my mother has transitioned into a more severe state of dementia and is not doing well in the nursing home, crying that we don't love her and she would rather kill herself than not live on her own in her apartment) and my sister (who lives 3000 miles away and does not deal with it except through emails) asked how I can "stand" it.  I told her that since having the surgery I have come to appreciate the things that I cannot control, and to keep a cheerful, hopeful attitude anyway.  And that really is the crux of why I call this surgery and recovery a "life-altering experience."  It has taught me the true meaning of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Miriam

Three month anniversary

Well I made it!  Not much to add beyond the 13-week anniversary just a couple of days ago, but I have noticed a couple of things that have improved even since last week.  First of all, when I move my foot from the brake to the accelerator I don't have a huge tightness in my knee.  Up to now, I've tried only to move my foot and not my whole leg, but I noticed that moving my leg is comfortable now.  That's a huge thing, given how much driving I do.

The second thing that comes and goes in terms of being better (but it's better more often and longer than it was even a week ago) is the tightness in the muscle along side my leg.  That's the muscle that has been taking a pounding with the hot tub jets.  I have an electric hand-held deep massager - I should use that as well every day.  But alas, I'm not doing everything everyday...  I'm getting very complacent rather than compliant with my exercises.  I swore I wouldn't, but it's happening.  I always make sure I do my bending and stretching, but I'm not so good about all the other exercises.  I have, however, started taking the steps up and down "foot-over-foot" when I can.  There is NO way I can do it without a railing to unload some of the weight, but with a railing I can almost manage.

I'm still having just awful fatigue by the end of the day.  I am in dire need of a blood test (I canceled my annual physical which was scheduled only a few weeks after surgery) - I don't know whether I have any deficiencies (usually the worst for me is Vitamin D) or whether it's just doing more and resting less.

How many of us fat gals resist facing the music? (Picture me with my hand up.) I am always traveling on the cusp of "pre-diabetes" and I figure if I avoid the blood tests then I will avoid the disease.  Same for cholesterol.  Same for getting on the scale at the doctor's office.  Since I am on this new journey I think I have to just bite the bullet and reschedule my physical.  Not right away though.... lol

In the eating department I have been having a hard time (who doesn't?).  I am SO hungry on just the 1200 calories a day. I know that's pretty low so I am trying to adjust it to where it's just enough but I can still lose weight.  I don't want to use it as an excuse, but my body is still healing, and every thing I do requires a tremendous amount of effort, so I'm thinking even if I go up in calorie I will still lose weight.  I am also experimenting with "eat now pay later" and what I mean by that is that I am eating what is satisfying and THEN I look at the calorie count.  I think,ultimately, that is a great way to do this anyway, because it makes me tune into my body and it's needs, and not just shovel in food because it's there and I planned for it.

So, I guess this journey takes everything into account.... 
Have a good day with yours!

Miriam

13 weeks today!

And tomorrow will be, according to the calendar date, three months.  I had to look back, as usual, to concretely see the progress I've made.  A month ago I was just hailing the fact that I had taken my first solo drive.  And keep in mind, that was probably only about 2 miles.  With my commute and errands I am probably driving 60 miles a day now.

This morning when I got out of the car I made a point of counting a quick 1-2, 1-2, to get myself walking quickly.  I was planning to walk my mile today, but if I don't get that done I'm okay with it because I will be going to the pool at lunch.  I brought in my goggles and snorkel so I am hoping to do some "real" swimming.  I just feel like a slug lately.  In my mind I want to do everything (walk, swim, belly dance) but in my body I want to do NOTHING.  Back to the usual - I really MUST be feeling better.  Seems as though if I'm feeling better, but if I'm feeling better it means I'm more like my old self - and my old self NEVER liked to exercise!

Yesterday I did my land exercises for the first time in ages.  The biggest challenge for me with those are the stairs.  I think what I will start doing is (albeit slowly) actually go up and down stairs foot over foot (i.e., normally) instead of doing 10 of this and 10 of that.  I tried without a railing, though, and that is out of the question.  So as long as I have a railing (or my cane - which I rarely have with me anymore) I will do stairs for real.  It's sort of the same as the walking.  If I am going to walk I have to walk.  If I am going to do stairs I have to do stairs.  I appreciate that I have to do exercises to get to the point where I CAN do stairs, but also, I think the time has arrived where I actually have to do them.  The difference, though, is that I won't do more than 20 up and down (translated as 10 on the TKR leg up and 10 on the TKR leg down).

I have also been doing very well with my dieting.  I am hoping that it will ALL get easier if I am carrying less weight.  As I had written, I've been toggling back and forth between calorie counting and WW, and I've settled on calorie counting.  I am making a commitment to it until my birthday in September.  The reason why it's a five-week commitment is that I have been using myfitnesspal.com and at the bottom of every day's food diary it says:  If you ate like this every day you would be ___ in five weeks.  So I took the weight they said the first day and counted five weeks out, and it came to exactly my birthday!  I can give it at least until then!

The only thing I have taken a slight step back in is that I have had to break out the Vicodin again.  I have been taking it either at bedtime or during the night, with two Tylenol.  Even though I haven't been doing my prescribed exercises religiously, I have been doing more activity and I am just SO uncomfortable during the night.  I find myself whimpering as I move about the bed during the night.  All I have to say is that last night I fell asleep at 9PM, took a Vicodin when I woke up around 1AM, and then slept through until 7AM.  I must have needed that sleep very badly, and I make no apologies that the Vicodin helped.

So here I am on the cusp of 3 months, looking ahead to the next three.  My main goals are:
(1) Get up to walking at least 2 miles a day (five days a week);
(2) Stay committed to calorie counting within my daily limit as often as possible;
(3) Go to the pool twice a week; and
(4) Be able to do my belly dance drills without having to use a cane when I'm weighted on my TKR leg.

I can't do anything about the swelling, pain, other limitations.  But, I can do what I set out to do.

Miriam

Playing Hookey

Boy - I am SO exhausted and I haven't done my PT exercises yesterday or today (Saturday and Sunday).  I have been doing some serious "running around" - and I just don't have the energy or wherewithall to do my exercises.  I know that what I am doing counts for "something" but I'm feeling very naughty that I haven't done even my stretches.  NADA.  I'm not worried, though, that it signals the beginning of the end.  It just signals that if I don't do what I'm supposed to do first thing in the morning it doesn't get done.

I think part of my "laziness" is that my PT session on Friday was glowing.  I have reached 120 degrees range of motion, and my therapist said that my knee looks awesome (minimum of swelling, scar looks good).  ALSO, the icing on the cake is that when she lifted my leg to do her hands-on stretch she asked me if I have lost weight.  I told her I'm am dieting but the scale doesn't show it.  She answered that she can really feel and see that I've firmed up since working with her. 

I also did my belly dance steps again and she assured me that I will be just fine once I can put more weight on my leg, and build up endurance.  My intention was to start on my drills immediately, but action, in my case, lags intention.  I ABSOLUTELY will at least do five minutes of my drills tomorrow morning before I even get dressed, if that's what it takes to make sure I get them done before my day starts.  Actually, as we "speak" my son is bringing up my BOSE from the basement (long packed-away belly dance suitcase) and I might even get them done today.

I had a hard night last night.  Around 4AM I took a Vicodin and two Tylenols.  Considering I didn't do a lick of exercise I was sort of puzzled by the pain - but like I said, I'm so much more active, and I'm sure that is it.  I was still very loopy this morning - even by 10AM.  I sure didn't feel that way at all when I was taking it during my recovery.  I think now that it's out of my system the impact is greater when I take even one.  I did feel better when I got up and I haven't taken anything else today, so it's still a victory in the medication department.

Except for today I have been doing very well on a "uber" plant-based diet.  I was thinking this afternoon about what it would be like to drag a 40 pound box of kitty litter with me all over the place - but especially going upstairs.  I know that when you have 40 pounds on your body it is evenly distributed and not the same as just carrying a box or bag that weighs 40 pounds, but still.. it wouldn't hurt my stair-climbing efforts to not be carrying this extra weight.

I've been toggling between Weight Watchers and counting calories.  I just can't find my comfort zone.  Maybe it's a myth to think I will ever be comfortable.... sigh....  But - I have other people than just my therapist tell me it looks like I have lost weight, so I guess the trick is to just keep trucking along - whichever way I do it!

Enjoy your week!
Miriam
p.s.  If anyone wants to friend me on myfitnesspal.com please look for samida!

Am I really exercising?

Well, after yesterday's PT session I realized that if I am ever going to walk again the way I used to, then I have to walk!  This morning after parking my car at work I took my cane and cell phone (both just for safety), and walked a 1/2 mile route.  I knew if I went to my office first I would NEVER do it!  I was just fine.  When I go tomorrow I will bring the phone, but ditch the cane!

Then at lunch I went to the pool, did my pool PT and stretches, then water walking a few laps in the big pool.  Tomorrow I am bringing my snorkel and goggles and I am going to get to work on REAL swimming.  I am going to limit myself to four laps.  Next week, if I wasn't in agony Saturday morning, I will extend it to six laps.  I am also considering signing up for a water aerobics class that meets at noon twice a week starting in September.

I just got up from my desk and I'm as stiff as heck... like you are after you've been exercising and then you rest and then you get up.  Hence, the title --- AM I REALLY EXERCISING???? lol

Now that I have started a brand-new journey with a brand-new body part ( ) I thought it would be a good idea to be accountable to myself to get down to a weight that won't crumble my cement! For months I have flubbed around with all the various incarnations of WW and also calorie counting, and ALSO following diets that require no counting. Because I have WW on-line right now, which does not support any old programs, but find for me that the Points Plus just isn't doin' it for me, I've made my own modifications. I am using the on-line tracker, BUT am using the quick-add function to add 1 point for fruits and any HUGE veggie serving (like if I made salad a main course, and I filled a 6-8 cup bowl with it).

For those of you familiar with WW you know what I'm talking about.  For those of you not familiar, it's a way of counting foods by points values instead of calories.  I took my weight this morning and from here on I'll add a little something about weight loss (I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) along with my knee journey.

Okay --- so here's to moving well and eating well!
Miriam

P.S.  I was asked yesterday (via a comment to yesterday's post) what can be done to load the leg.  Rather than send a personal response I added another comment to answer, so that everyone, who needs the answer, can see it!

God works in VERY mysterious ways!

I've been thinking for a few days - but especially this morning - whether the TKR was the right decision.  There is so much that is better but there is so much that is taking such a long time I feel it will never be right.  I went back a month in my blog and I didn't see right away where the improvements have been.  But then I thought about it - I just generally feel MUCH better.  I didn't take so much as an Advil yesterday.  I sleep through the night.  I put away the shower chair and raised toilet seat.  I'm planning my belly dancing classes for September.  I guess it's just that I don't see a "leaps and bounds" improvement, and it's getting SO tiresome: The way I have to move so slowly, the way I fatigue so easily. the tightness and swelling in the knee...  It's easy to lose sight of the tiny improvements...  And it's easy to lose sight of the fact that it hasn't EVEN been three months since surgery (well almost) and not even two since my manipulation.

Anyway - I always say God works in mysterious ways.  So I get to my PT appointment at 9:40AM.  The receptionist says, "Well I HOPE your appointment isn't at 9:40, your therapist doesn't start the day until 10:20."  Now I'm in a predicament.  I don't have my car and my husband just dropped me off and went to the mechanic and I have to cancel the 4:20 appointment that I DO have because my husband goes to work at 3PM and I have no way to get there.  So I waited about 5 minutes for my husband to get to the station, and I called over there to tell him to come back to get me.  So I dial and the message is that the number is not in service.  So I just sit and figure I have to wait an hour.  WELL... the receptionist said that someone didn't show up for an evaluation and would I like the spot with the therapist.  I happened to know her - because when I looked back a month in my blog this morning, SHE is the pool therapist that I had to beg to let me off 5 minutes early because she was giving me such a workout I was sweating in the pool!  I said sure and so there I was.

But the best part about this appointment was that I had brought my belly dancing drills with me - I'm afraid I won't be getting more appointments from the insurance because I'm doing so well (or so they say!) and I wanted to go through all the steps to see what is safe and possible.  EVERYTHING is safe and possible - although my leg might not be ready yet for the support I need when I need to load the leg to work on the opposite hip. 

 She has a different view of things than the therapists I have been working with.  All of them are excellent, but each one has their special exercises or ways they like to do things (although it's excellent to work with the same therapist throughout - it doesn't hurt once in a while to work with a different one!).  She gave me some balancing and weight bearing exercises way above and beyond what I had been doing up to this point.  She also gave me some exercises that will help with stairs - a totally different approach than what my current therapist is having me do.  Her take on my difficulty with stairs (and with regard to being able to do my belly dance steps) is that it's not quad strength alone that needs to be addressed - I have to learn to load the leg with my weight.  I could not believe the exercises she gave me!  I can already see what a difference they will make.  She also gave me "in-depth" balance exercises that I need for my dancing (and walking!). 

I felt so good and renewed when I left the appointment.  The minute I got home I ran to my schedule and not on ANY day did it say 9:40AM for an appointment.  Yet - not only did I read it last night so I would know what time to be ready this morning, I read my appointment sheet again this morning before leaving just to make sure I was running on time.  What made my eyes and brain see 9:40?  Was it so that I could work with this therapist?  (Not to mention - what made her scheduled appointment not show up???)

Anyway - now I have even MORE exercises to do at home.  But these balance and weight bearing exercises are so important I am going to start doing those, along with my belly dance drill (which runs 11 1/2 minutes) and my stretches.  That should still take me to an hour - Sigh.... this getting better is truly a full time job.  It's not for wimps and wussies! 

Miriam

p.s. to Jan - Yes - I also like South Beach a lot (except for the no-fruit phase).  I am counting calories on myfitnesspal, but I'm following a no-processed or refined food avenue.  I'm also making more non-animal protein choices.  Feeling better already!

Rain rain go away............

Boy  - I have been experiencing a double dip... my therapist warned me that I will have plenty of low days along the way... but the rainy damp weather we have been having here in Boston is NOT helpful toward steering away from the dips.  It's enough to make a girl want to move to Arizona!  But, I do have a "NSV" to report: We took the raised toilet seat out of the bathroom yesterday because we were having company that might have needed to spill into the extra bathroom.  I am almost thinking of telling my husband he doesn't need to put it back.  And, if he is going to put away the raised toilet seat, I suppose the shower seat can go as well.  Okay - that's what I will hold on to today while my knee is stiff and sore and aching.

My friend - over at her website: "New knees - the good, the bad and the ugly" (http://washdryandfold.blogspot.com) had a whole list of ponderings that she had at 4 1/2 months after surgery and is updating as time goes by.  It's funny how I am asking myself the EXACT same things, so it's so good for me to follow her progress and know what I may be in for - even though everyone's recovery is different.

The things she is pondering are the things that are making me sad and wondering about having had this done (no, I'm not doubting it... just wondering about it is all...) - and to see that she has the exact same questions - but is making slow but sure progress (and she had TWO knees done!), makes me feel better.  (No, not better that we are both "suffering" but that the problems are the same and if she is making progress it means I will too.)  Some of the things are: Will my knees always be stiff? (Different from arthritis stiff - which is what I noticed even in the hospital, but they are still stiff in a post-operative way.)  Will I be able to descent stairs without pain or stop listing to one side? (That reminds me - I have to call the doctor tomorrow - I may need a small lift in my non-operated leg's shoe - my legs are bowed, and he straightened out the one leg with the knee replacement, making it longer than the other, that remains slightly bowed.)  When will I have more stamina and strength (OMG .... was I JUST talking about the fatigue I have with everything I do???)?  But the one that I had to laugh at, and which I totally share: Will I ever be able to stand up from a sitting position and immediately start walking?  When I get up with the intention of walking I have to stand there for a minute while my mind sends the message to my legs to MOVE.  It's just so odd how walking doesn't happen the minute you get up to do it!

Anyway - THANK YOU Miss. Wash-dry-and-fold!  And you sort of made the point of my blog too - I wrote this so other people would have something to compare their own experiences to, as well as to be able to look back myself and compare one date's experience against another date's progress.

So as I noted in an earlier blog this whole "new me" thing includes dieting.  Has anyone heard of (or seen on PBS) Dr. Joel Fuhrman and his "Eat to Live" diet?  It is heavily vegetarian even though there is a non-vegetarian option (which allows animal protein just twice a week).  I'm cycling through WW, counting calories, and this.  I'm leaning towards "Eat to Live" - for me it is a very natural way of eating, and cutting out a lot of fats, animal protein, and processed foods is cutting down on my cravings.  I am not willing to do the animal protein only twice a week, though, but am comfortable with one small serving once a day.  I still like South Beach a lot - but not phase 1 with no fruit.  I think the trick is to do what the physical therapists are begging me to do with my exercises: LISTEN TO MY BODY.  TRUST MYSELF.  Do you think I can do it with eating too????  That would be a nice complete healthy picture!

Anyhoo - if anyone has tried "Eat to Live" please let me know!

Miriam