In need of a good blogging

I've had an interesting few days.  My next lesson is "Nurturing Power of Food."  I was going to skip this one until it was needed.  The first assignment was: "Intentionally eat something that will help you feel better. Eliminate any thoughts of guilt or remorse as you eat this food. Write down what you ate and why you chose it."  To me it seemed that it was a forced lesson if nothing was bothering me at the time.  If I didn't need to feel better then what would be the point?

Then crash - something came up that brought (is bringing) stress into my life.  So that night (Wednesday) I did find myself turning to food (what a surprise!).  I was aware of the lesson and had a few bites of a couple of things and then realized that if I kept up with it nothing would be solved.  But I didn't choose the food particularly mindfully - but I did notice that I went for sweet.  My husband brought home some fig and sesame "jam" from Lebanon, and I went for the last of that - even with a spatula it didn't yield more than a tablespoon.  Then I said - no I need more sweet.  So I went to the honey, which I rarely if ever have, and maybe took a teaspoon of that.  I did think of the lesson at hand (perfect timing) and although I didn't sit mindfully with the food I knew enough to stop.  My husband had his stash of Girl Scout cookies in the bedroom but I didn't go for those.  Crisis averted.

Then yesterday morning came.  It was lunch day with my mom.  I was okay in the morning, but had a sense of a binge coming on.  I ate reasonably well at lunch but came back really "in need" of a binge.  Just before leaving work I went to the office with the candy, and had a few pieces.  Still the feeling.  I had pretzels left from lunch and ate those all the way home.  Didn't go to the gym.  Went straight home and dove into bed and slept for an hour.  Ate a mindless dinner.  I have to say calorie for calorie it wasn't the worst dinner I could have had, but I'm not disturbed by my choice of food when something like this happens.  I'm more disturbed by the behavior.  I went to the GSC stash and had one.  I was aware that I didn't even like the taste of it, and didn't have any more.  (Normally I would have finished the box and then blamed it on the cat or something, if I could have.)

I was disappointed in myself that I didn't really do the lesson because it would have been a golden opportunity.  I wish my house were as well dusted off as I seem to be lately... just got up this morning, packed a salad for lunch, and went to meet my trainer at the gym.  Another day.  Maybe another lesson learned... maybe not....

But I suppose maybe I did learn, because I'm reading the assignment now as I'm typing this.  The second part of the exercise is: "After two bites, stop! Remind yourself that your needs have been met and eating more of the food won't increase your healing level.  Then give away or toss whatever food is left."  And really I did that but I didn't stop at one or two foods. 

I know that I my reaction to stress is to eat. It's not that way for everyone, but it is for me.  I have some very stressful things coming up in the next couple of week so I will try to be hyper-vigilant in making sure that I do not turn to food.  Or, if I do, I will stick to the two bites.  Of course it would be better to find something else, but right now, where I am, if food is it, at least I have to find ways to not make it as damaging.  When I can get the two bites down to zero bites then I know I will have crossed through the door of not needing food any longer to calm and medicate me.  The fact that I did not finish the cookies or the bag of pretzels or make make a bowl of cereal doused with sugar shows I may be almost there....

Miriam