the first two bites

Well - it's too funny.  I was in the grocery store looking for just the items I wanted to do for the "First Two Bites" experiment. I started looking at all sorts of things that I would never (or hardly ever) bring home- honey-stung drummies, calzones, store-made lasagna, New England clam chowder, all sorts of cookies and crackers, etc.  But I just concentrated on three things.  It was quite unsettling, actually, to let my mind wander to "forbidden" foods.

BBQ Chips - salty, hot crunchy.  When I took my two chips I was feeling I really wanted to go back for more but distracted myself.  Did not throw out the rest of the chips. Funny enough, although when I start in on chips I have this need to finish the bag - even if it's a HUGE bag, this was the easiest for me.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I knew this was just an experiment and if I want chips I'll buy more chips. The other two items I am less likely to buy and have in my house.

Brownie - 2 bites, already felt anxiety about throwing out the rest.  Not same anxiety with the chips.  Felt an incredible urge to eat more.  Didn't.  Got up walked away from it.  Then threw out the rest. Didn't trust myself with it only in the trash.  Put it down the garbage disposal and ran it.  However, I didn't want to throw it out right away because I had to sit for a few minutes with it still available to me. If anyone watches Hoarders you'll know what I mean: You know how they ask the hoarder what level of anxiety he/she is feeling just THINKING about having the item taken out of the house?  That's what I was feeling as I thought about throwing out the brownie.  I was almost having palpitations.  Believe me, hoarders have nothing over me, as I face down this brownie and put it in the disposal.


3 Musketeers bar.  This was the hardest.  I did not ask my friend to give me a "two-bite" bar (which she keeps in her office desk) because for me, only the surface purpose of this lesson was tasting the first two bites.  The purpose of this was to recognize the control food has over me.  So I bought a full sized bar.  I played with seeing how much a deep throat bite would take and I could have finished the bar in two - if not one - bite, but that wasn't the point.  I had my two bites and felt such a need to have more.  I thought that no one would know but me.  I wouldn't have to report it.  THIS one I did not throw in the disposal.  I wrapped up what was left (MORE than half) safe and sound and got it ready put it in the trash. Actually it is next to me as I write this.  I am going to throw it out, but I have to sit quietly with it for a while.  ...holding it...

A few days ago Flo put links to her blog that dealt with these three lessons and she is allowing me to quote her (but if you want to read the entire entry please see her blog): "...But for me to say I am going to take  a piece of carrot cake and eat two bites and throw the rest away – not going to happen.  I won’t even bother to take the two bites unless I feel I can “afford” to eat it. I am just trying to be honest with myself here.  And I  just do best if I measure out the food I am going to eat and then eat it.  I am not really one who can look at a favorite food and take a taste and throw the rest away..."

I was talking with Babs and she made the point that in the "100 Days Challenge," Linda Spangle is hitting upon all possibilities that could resonate with people who have food issues and weight problems.  So it's not unusual that some lessons do not resonate with all people (for instance, the forgetting to eat, or not having support lessons do not float my boat).  And so I can understand Flo's viewpoint on this lesson.  I only wish I had the same feeling.  Unfortunately for me, this might be the most important lesson in the book. Why?  Because for me it has nothing with tasting the first two bites, or having enough points/calories to eat it all.  It has to do with the power that food has over me.  If I had, under real conditions, eaten that brownie (and I had "allowed" for it), and there were more brownies in the house, I would have eaten them all.  And, if there were no other brownies in the house I would have looked for something else to eat.  I would have cooked rice and put sugar on it.  I would have eaten a loaf of bread with butter. I honestly don't know if the "addiction" is to the ingredients in the food (I need more sugar, more flour, more salt) or if the "addiction" is to habit and past history.  All I know is that to take the first two bites and to walk away is a battle of the wits, not an acknowledging for what the taste buds are feeling.

Suffice it to say that I have an emotional connection to food.  It filled a lot of lonely times for me, and stopping after two bites is difficult.  Having foods that I enjoy (for whatever reason: crunch, texture, taste, etc.) can open flood gates for me.  I remember reading once that a good mantra is "You've come too far to take orders from a cookie."  And man, can those cookies give me orders.  It really isn't a matter of planning for it and "allowing" a treat into my program.  It's being satisfied with one portion of one treat.  I need to learn to eat something, enjoy it, and walk away or put it away, so that was the usefulness of today's lesson for me.  One time doing this will not be enough.  My intention is to do it maybe at least once a week, and maybe with just one item.

So the exercise to me has nothing to do with the taste of food, but the power it has over me.  I have to break the chains that bind me (isn't there a song?).

I wrote all this Saturday night and am posting now on Sunday.  Pleased to report that I didn't finish the chips in the bag and my son ate the rest of the candy bar.  HOWEVER, (true confessions) I did eat handfuls of raisins and I did have a bowl of rice (no sugar though).  The "damage" was minimal and I'm ready to move on with the acknowledgment that I will be returning to this lesson.

Mmmmm...iriam