Bargaining with God

Yesterday (with remnants today) I was so sick.  It seems to have been a reaction to the medication I was taking for my back.  I had abdominal gas  with no relief.  It had started up two weeks ago (when I started the medication) and my doctor put me on Prilosec, and on my own I took enzyme tabs, herbal tea and Gas-X.  All to no avail.  When I got up yesterday morning I knew I was in trouble, but went to work anyway.  I could barely make it till noon and then traveled home very carefully with my cell phone by my side.  I hadn't eaten anything since the day before (and also had discontinued the medication after my lunch dose the day before). 

So here I am sick as a dog (and where does that expression come from, by the way - I will have to look it up!) no gas in and no gas out - just THERE.  I'm shaking, I have the chills, I'm even hungry.  I start to think - that's it.  Even though it wasn't food that caused this, it made me think that I need to change my ways.  Maybe I have to have very tiny meals.  Eat only healthy food.  Nibble.  Never eat.  If I could feel well again I would never go off a diet.  As a matter of fact I wouldn't even need a diet because I would eat sensibly for the rest of my life.

But the bigger bargain with God came when my dear husband insisted that a hot bath would move the gas (he was wrong by the way).  But I was do desperate I humored him.  I often shower with my husband (TMI, I know) and so I'm not terribly squeamish about being naked around him, but something about being in that tub just shook me to the core. Because of my knee I really need assistance getting up and down and so could not manage the tub without his help.   I told him I wanted to get into the tub with my clothes on- or at least cover myself with a towel.  (I did neither.)  I said I didn't want him to see me naked - that I felt so exposed.  He was a bit taken aback.  He loves me and my body in any shape and form and was quite shocked that I was practically beside myself.  As I laid down in the tub I said that I just felt so exposed and blubbery laying there.  I bargained that if I ever felt well again I would never go off a diet.  As a matter of fact I wouldn't even need a diet because I would eat sensibly for the rest of my life.  (Hmm... where have I heard that before?)

So I got up this morning marginally better and ready to eat.  I took a nibble.  A couple of hours later, another nibble.  I feel bolting coming upon me....  I feel the "I can do it better" coming upon me...  I feel "dieting isn't the answer" coming upon me....  I feel "I don't need to keep track of anything" coming upon me.  I feel "focusing on food is not the answer to letting my obsession go" coming upon me.

But then I come to my senses and realize that my bargain is just being gifted with the realization of how important a healthy digestive system.  In order to have it in good working order means a balanced intake of nutrients and calories.  It means taking in healthy food and water and moving my body in ways that keep my muscles and bones and internal organs as healthy and strong as possible.  It does not mean never eating again. Only nibbling. Bolting and letting nature take its course. 

So out comes the tracker.  And the challenge is renewed as to how I can make this diet not a diet.  So far so good..  no cramps.  Of course my back might start hurting again but now that I've seen the other side of what medication does, I'll deal with it.  It may speed up my route to taking the shots, but meanwhile I'm not taking a thing.  Only good healthy food. ...in healthy portions!

You haven't been ready to make that bargain until you've been in an "I've fallen and can't get up" situation - all blubbery and wet and helpless.  Sigh....  I can live with the wet and helpless, but sure would like to get rid of the blubbery in this coming year!  LOL