Addendum to "Anxiety Girl"

I realized something yesterday.  I think my bout with really severe anxiety is because I am not medicating myself with food as of late.  On the way home from work the other day, I was thinking how I wished I smoked (tobacco OR other) or how I could use a drink (but I really am not a drinker, plus I can’t because of medication).  Then I thought of how a piece of cheesecake would soothe me.  Then I realized that maybe there is nothing in my life that is “worse” than usual, but that because I am not drugging myself with food, my anxiety symptoms are coming to the surface in spades.  Some of it is that I used to eat myself into a “stupor” – taking my mind off everything else.  Or, I would be beating myself up for doing so, so I couldn’t think of other things – or that I deserved whatever happened to me and just accept my fate (rather than fight the things causing the anxiety).  I’m almost shaking because of the anxiety – nothing a chocolate bar wouldn’t soothe….  But alas, I will just have to sit quietly and stay in the present – since anxiety is nothing more than thinking about things in the future (that probably won’t happen anyway). And that present has to be sans cheesecake, chocolate, or anything else of that ilk….

I haven't been posting, not because anything is "wrong" with my diet, my knee, or my life - I just was so consumed by anxiety lately that I just couldn't accomplish anything outside my day-to-day "chores."  I woke up today, finally fairly anxiety-free (after a wonderful gab session with some girlfriends), only to be faced with the news that there was a very severe earthquake in Northern Italy, just a very short distance from where the wedding will be.  Since there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it, it's a good lesson in letting something go that I have no control over.  The wedding is several months away, and I don't think anyone is flying into Bologna (which was close to the center), so I know everything will carry on as planned and be just as lovely and beautiful as it would have been without a recent earthquake.  

I had a good heart-to-heart talk with three friends yesterday about my anxiety (my body is actually "buzzing" most of the time) and we came up with some solutions (and it happened to be the perfect group of ladies for this because they all are, or have been, in my place) - but one activity that I like the best is to make a list of  all the things I am anxious about.  Face them, acknowledge them, then give them a designated time during the day to sit down and worry about them.  If something else comes up in my day that sets my body abuzz, I should add that to the list.  Then, let's say, at 3:30 I take out the list, look it over, and worry as much as I want to about it.  The other 23 1/2 hours of the day, look at another list: all the GOOD things about my life and my day, in particular.  It will help keep me in the moment and to direct my mind to the good things. 

 Anyway, I was going through the anxiety list and one of my friends asked - "Do you have a big birthday coming up?"  And WHAM - I started crying.  "Yes," I answered, "I will be 60 the week after the wedding."  I hadn't even realized that was bothering me so much.  I mean I am well aware that it bothers me, but I didn't realize how close it was to the surface of all that is bothering me.  YIKES.

But meanwhile, I will not medicate with food. 

I have my one-year anniversary of my knee replacement coming up this week.  As a matter of fact, I have my appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday (at which point I am going to ask him to take baseline ex-rays of the other knees, as I am contemplating surgery - maybe as soon as next summer).  I will report more on that later in the week.  I just had to get this anxiety problem off my chest ...

Miriam