Where did the time go? I am at day 27

Almost finished!  I think I must have miscounted somewhere along the way because I am at day 27 today and tomorrow is THE END.  

I had one near miss, one collision and one fatality this weekend.

The near miss was that yesterday was Sunday morning, I was so desperate for my relaxation "ritual" so I poured a cup of coffee, added my creamer, Splenda and Starbucks flavoring.  I put it to my lips and took a small sip.  I looked at it and said - what would be the point... and poured it down the sink.

The collision was that yesterday was our Passover Seder.  I made a chicken dish that I couldn't eat (because there was sesame and sugar in the sauce).  With all the recipes and cooking I do you would think I would have made something "safe" but all I could think about was how I was going to have my cousin's wonderful brisket.  I don't know how many of you are familiar with the goings-on at a Passover seder but from appetizers to desserts probably no less than two dozen different foods hit the table.  I had NOTHING but the steamed string beans that I brought (I did have a shake on the way there so I was sure to not be hungry!) and two pieces of brisket.  As I raised the fork to my mouth my husband quietly said, "I thought you are not supposed to be eating beef."  I didn't even THINK of that ... all that was on my mind was NOT eating the chicken!  Let's just say I savored every single bite of that brisket - guilt free, knowing that there probably was little damage done since I had eaten NOTHING else from the meal.  (Side note:  I was extremely gassy all night which has not happened since starting the detox... which either means that the beef FINALLY got things going or that my stomach was complaining about having it added back... the two might be one and the same! I will ask the dietitian tomorrow.)

The fatality was those darn cookies after I was already ready for bed.  However, I did not have a huge binge.  Just a few.  But I also had a small amount (I swear) of chocolate covered raisins.  In one of the programs I have worked with this past year, the teacher says "Of course you eat at night.  You are so exhausted from being good all day."  You would think after being good all day I would have stopped myself.  But I just had a little bit (HONEST) and didn't feel bad about myself.  I wonder what the dietitian will say tomorrow - if she follows the 80/20 rule - or even 90/10.  If I had outright allergies I would be stupid to put myself in harms way, but I am curious whether there will be a little leeway once I get started on normal eating.  

The thing of it is, once I am off detox and can go back to my full Paleo cooking I am pretty sure that I won't be having (too many) lapses into sugar and flour because I will be so much more satisfied during the day.  I won't be fighting to stay on a restricted program.  I am actually very proud of myself.  I can count on one hand the number of times I went off the program (three being yesterday and a fourth when I had that horrible binge last week).  Other than that I have been true to the program - even way better than the 90/10 rule would be.  I had someone compliment me today on sticking to the program.  I am happy to say I basked in the compliment of the 90% instead of bringing up the 10% and hanging my head!  That in itself is an accomplishment.  

Tonight I am going to take out some of my favorite Paleo cookbooks and bring them to my appointment.  I am hoping that I can go back to full Paleo eating, with restrictions only on the worse of the offenders (eggs and honey... unfortunately very important...).  I am sure I will have to restrict the full sensitivity food list but I am hoping that we are talking moderation and not total cutting out.  We shall see...

Miriam

Day 22

I had a FABULOUS visit this morning with my new primary care – she went over all my results and OMG… so much going on.

I think the most important thing is that she is giving my thyroid medication that I will start tomorrow.  Even though the numbers are in the “normal” range and that is why the endocrinologist said everything is fine, in fact, the number is NOT fine.  She will retest that in a couple of months.  Then she definitively diagnosed metabolic syndrome which is why my glucose, insulin, adrenals, etc. are all out of whack.  She did prescribe supplements for that and when I am retested again for the thyroid hopefully she will find that maybe that all sorted itself out.  ALL of this is why I am so weight loss resistant – and even though I won’t be dropping gobs of weight, straightening out all these numbers will have a big effect.

The most worrisome part of the testing was the particle size of my LDL which are small and dense – the kind that burrow into the arteries and are very dangerous.  HOWEVER, she said that this can be changed, but movement is the most important fact to do so.  I am glad I got my Fitbit and starting TODAY I am going to institute a serious and dedicated walking program and go back to using my bike daily.  No fooling around.  All these years I said I needed some sort of wake-up call – I have known these numbers and facts for ages – I think the difference is that she believes in me and believes I CAN turn things around.  (So much for the “oh well” attitude I have had all these years.)  I feel energized and excited to make a change. 

In terms of turning things around she believes that EVERYTHING can be turned around – even my autoimmune issues (Hashimotos).  My autoimmune antibodies which should be under 1 are in the thousands – so lots of room to improve there! 

She is doing two more tests that involve macro-nutrients.  One was a blood test and one is a stool sample (yikes – sending poop through the mail… will wonders never cease??).  One is partially covered by insurance, one is not, but I told her that I want to go all the way with this, so I am not going to argue (at this point at least) about the cost.  Well worth it if I can bring down my blood glucose, reverse my Hashimotos, get off the new thyroid medication, and change the dangerous size of my LDL.. wouldn’t you say? LOL

Anyway – I have to read all the material I have and absorb it some more, but I am very excited.

I have the appointment with the dietitian on Tuesday.  Turns out that one of the ingredients in the shake is something that turned up on my food sensitivity list, so she said that might be what was causing the constipation problems I was having – everything should have been smooth sailing (so to speak) during the detox and it wasn’t.  I am going to be about 2 days short on the shakes but I did not pick up another container.  If there is something in there I shouldn’t have then I don’t want to be stuck with another big bottle of it.  I will continue to eat the way I am supposed to but won’t do the shakes the last couple of days. 

I am so excited – can you tell?????

M

Day 21

Just so you don't think I'm so wonderful and this is all wine and roses... I had a horrible eating experience last night.  I should have just HALTED and had my second shake but instead I went for cookies and then, just for the heck of it, I had a handful of popcorn.  For some reason it was important for me to totally smack this program in the face.  Of course I am the one who fell down on my rump, not the program, but that's okay - I am fine this morning and ready to see through the last week.

What was going on?  I have come so far with emotional eating, but this is a reminder that it is waiting in the wings for me.  As much as I can list what was going on in my mind to drive me to cookies, I cannot fathom why I didn't care enough about myself to stop it.  I think, as with any emotional eating, it was a distraction - if I am busy being mad at myself for straying, then I won't be busy facing what was bothering me:

1. I was in incredible pain all day - my leg, my back and my shoulder.  I started researching the lumbar facet joint injections again and am just so conflicted about them.  Part of me just wants relief but I think the part of me that drove me to cookies is the part that knows that if I was vigilant about the home exercises and actually did more of those and walking, the problem might be greatly alleviated without the injections.  So I think I was hating myself for not helping myself, more than I was trying to distract myself from the pain.
2. I was in a sibling email loop which addressed my mother's weight gain.  She had been losing too much weight even with supplements and the nursing home was at a loss as to what to do and did not want to get into feeding-tube territory.  So I had the idea to bring in all her favorite snacks - which I did, and she gained weight.  So yesterday the nursing home said we could withdraw the snacks now, as she had successfully gained 5 pounds (took three months of snaking to do it!).  Two of my siblings (the long-distance ones who know NOTHING about anything and who don't deal with this personally day in and day out) said yes, they thought it was a good idea too because she wasn't eating her regular meals, and what about her health with all the sugar and crap I was allowing her to eat.  OMG - she is 98 years old and not on a single health-related medication.  But no, THEY knew it was unhealthy to give her all those snacks and it was a good thing the nursing home finally put an end to it.  I was angry.  Eating the cookies helped me forget those emails.
3. I was constipated again.  Some cookies and popcorn surely would upset my stomach enough to get things moving.  But also eating those things got my mind off the fact that my mind is starting to wander into the realm of wondering if this detox is good for anything, really, and if I am on the right path. 
4. I was mad that I haven't lost weight - so what the hell - I might as well have cookies. Besides, cookies were a way to beat up the program and kick it to the curb.  See?  I can eat cookies and not drop dead.  
5. I was SO HUNGRY on the way home from work. It reminded me of how I used to be before going on the program. Going to one scoop/two shakes (from 2 scoops/three shakes) really threw me for a loop. I stopped at the supermarket and got two cooked skinless chicken breasts with some sort of bruschetta sauce on them.  I was feeling bad about doing that (not pasture-raised, no control over the ingredients).  I might as well have gone to get a Big Mac with an extra-large fries for the guilt that chicken caused me.  I felt myself spiraling into the diet mentality that I have worked so hard to break free from - guilt over eating something not "on program" and the black and white, all or nothing thinking - well I ate that, I might as well binge on cookies.....

Oh well... there was probably a 6, 7, 8, 9 AND 10... but it is a new day, and I am back on the program.  Just one more week.

I am glad I wrote this all out.  It makes me hate my cookie episode less, and instead I understand it more.  Although I still do not entirely understand why I just did not have my second shake of the day (I landed up skipping it).  I am not even entirely sure I would stop myself if this happened again.  

But I looked at the calendar and realized that I almost made it through 21 full days without touching a morsel that was not on the program.  I can do it one more week!

Miriam

Days 18, 19, and 20 (weekend + today)

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Starting tomorrow I am back to normal (well as far as normal goes for this program) and I can reintroduce chicken, lamb, nuts and seeds.  Never thought I would be so grateful to eat a piece of chicken! 

I weathered the weekend very well - including dinner at my daughter's house.  I brought cod and made a wonderful warm tapinade (olives, capers, shallots and cherry tomatoes), with rice pilaf (white rice made in vegetable broth, with sauteed onions, peppers, celery and black beans) and steamed vegetables (broccoli and carrots).  The only thing I forgot was my Bengal Spice tea, so while everyone was finishing the meal with coffee I cleaned the kitchen! 

On Sunday I actually only had one meal.  I woke up famished and had a plate of rice pilaf ((I wanted FOOD not a shake!) then later through the day I had a shake at lunch, then one midday so was not hungry for dinner; in the evening I had another shake.  In between I had some of the roasted veggies I had made that afternoon for the week.  I couldn't face another piece of fish, although I sure did enjoy it today for lunch!  I don't know yet what I will have for dinner.  I miscounted and thought tonight could be lamb chops but I need one more night of the fish/legume options.  Sigh.. maybe I won't have dinner...  Maybe I will stop by Whole Foods and pick up a mixed-melon salad - that would be a wonderful treat to celebrate the last night of the most difficult phase.  Oh... maybe some almond nut butter in celery for the side!  LOL - tonight's dinner is looking better and better!

That is another change coming up:  As of today I need only two shakes and starting tomorrow I need only two shakes using one scoop each (instead of 2).  I made it to the final stretch - I am so proud of myself! 

I am contact with the dietitian over the log jam (yes, again) and she suggested adding flaxmeal - something I had every day when I was making my breakfast muffins.  I will add a TBS to each shake from here on - extra berries to balance the flavor. The other things she suggested are already being done: magnesium, probiotic, lots of liquids.  I also told her that lemon juice instead of vinegar just doesn't do it for me so I haven't been eating ANY salads at all during this phase.  I am eating a ton of cooked and raw vegetables and there is no law that I have to eat salad, but I bet that might have something to do with it.

Anyway - I am happy as a clam to be almost done with this, and as Babs pointed out - no need to worry about a future that isn't here yet.  And in the spirit of Elaine's advice I am embracing the moment (hence that wonderful dinner at my daughter's house).

Putting lamb shanks in the crock pot tonight :)

Miriam

Days 16 and 17 (today)

Well, it killed me to do it because I have been eating Paleo for so many months now, but I made a wonderful white rice and black bean pilaf to have last night.  I had my fish soup (absolutely wonderful) with a little rice for dinner but about 8 I was looking for something else and didn't want my shake just yet.  So I went ahead and made the pilaf. 

I have three concerns at this point:

1)  This is throwing me into a diet mentality which I tried so hard to break out of.  Even though the point of the detox is not weight loss (and this was quite freeing at the beginning) I have started to think about things - like "Should I really be having this rice?"  "How many extra calories is it when I could have just done without it?"  "The nutritional information on the shakes says it is only 145 calories... but is it?"

2)  I am starting to covet things that I have learned to walk away from...  the chips, the bagels, the candy, the bread.  The deprivation mindset is seeping in. 

3) My friend last night said I am doing so well because I have my eye on the prize.  But right now I am thinking, "What prize?"  For all this limited eating I have NOT lost weight, I do not feel miraculous changes like boundless energy or no aches and pains.  I know that the healing is internal and I might not be feeling anything on the outside.  I understand that. 

I am not getting discouraged (I had nothing to look forward to in a concrete way so there is nothing to be disappointed about).  And, since I have come this far it would be just plain stupid not to see it through.  I am not even blue about it as I was in the earlier phase.  I don't know how I feel about it, actually.  If I had dropped 10 pounds then I would tell anyone to go for it!  But because the benefits are not yet showing themselves it is hard for me to answer anything but "Okay" when someone asks "How's it going?". 

I am constipated again.  Sort of begs the question of how this is supposed to cleanse you if everything is jammed up?  I am eating a lot of fruits and vegetables, but probably still not as many as I would eat if I were not doing this.  I had already cut out grains but at least I was having seeds and nuts and nut flours and flax seed meal before.  So I know there has been a dip in fiber. 

Anyway - just to honestly report:  The gun-ho exhilaration has passed but I am no where giving up on it.  Sort of like the exhilaration of  falling in love and making a wedding... then the drudgery of marriage sets in.  Not bad, but not the falling-in-love phase either! LOL  No reason to give up on that... or this!

Miriam

Days 14 (continued) and 15

First of all, I am so hungry.  I can eat as often as I want and as much as I want from the list of approved foods, but I am just hungry... I just finished a box of blackberries and am going to move on to melon.  My husband is making me boiled white rice (which I can add back) but that isn't until I get home.  Maybe for lunch I will hit a Chinese restaurant and get an order of rice.  I am starting to have food on the brain.  I have to admit... I am getting tired of the shakes, as yummy as they are....

So why I have a continuation of yesterday is that I wanted to report back on dinner.  I spoke to the waitress and told her my concerns - that if at all possible I did not want butter, although I could have oil if the cook didn't want to dry cook things and I did order the seasoned salmon that came with steamed broccoli, roasted asparagus and grilled tomato.  I have to say it was one of the nicest restaurant dinners (for that level of restaurant) that I have had and enjoyed every single morsel.  The victory for me was that I did not look at the menu.  Often I decide in advance, from an on-line menu, what I am having then once I get there I look at everything else and get distracted by fries, burgers and the like.  I was glad to have what I ordered and was very happy and satisfied with it.

I got home, had my third shake for the day, and called it a night.  I don't think I am getting tired of the limited list so much as I am tired of the shakes.  Or maybe it's not that I am tired of the shakes but that I am tired of the limited list.  Oh... whatever....

This morning I was already saying to myself that the FIRST thing I am going to do when this is over with is to have my morning cup of coffee.  Then have a REAL breakfast.  But, alas, I am sure my dietitian has plans for me with regard to how to reintroduce foods... at what pace, in what quantity and choices.  Unfortunately right now my follow-up appointment is over two weeks after I finish this program so at the end of next week I will call to be put on a cancellation list to go sooner.

I liked Babs' comment yesterday though, about how if I am taking this one day at a time, why worry about the future?  So true.  I just have to shake the thoughts of coffee, cappuccino and eggs out of my head.

However, to put this all in perspective, it is with a heavy heart that I say prayers today for my friend's daughter-in-law who has gone into premature labor.  She is due just a week later than my own daughter, in June, so it is very early and very worrisome.  Sort of makes shakes and limited food lists pale in comparison compared to real life and death issues.  Prayers are with her and her family.

Miriam

ADDENDUM: I couldn't wait till getting home and got a small white rice for lunch and ate only that (and some melon) for lunch.  A bit nauseous - but I don't think it was the rice - I think it was that I ate quickly and ate it ALL.

Also - heard from my friend - her daughter-in-law delivered a three pound baby girl by C-section and so far they are both doing well, although the baby is in the NICU.  I told her that three pounds is a GOOD thing, and wish them all well.

Days 13 and 14

Well yesterday was my last day (13)of the REALLY strict phase - I made it!!!  Not a morsel passed my lips that was not on the list, and I am now on Day 14, the start of the reintroduction.  Now before I get too excited I have to remind myself that this only means that now I can have all fruits and vegetables (not just what is on the "core" list) and I can add white rice if I want.  This reintroduction phase goes in several steps so I am here for three days.

This is a good thing because:

I had to set out a seminar luncheon today and there was a Greek salad to die for.  Before the participants came in I took a paper cup and took off (carefully rearranging so no one would notice) peppers, tomatoes and red onions.  I was not so careful about taking off the flecks of feta cheese, which I think probably, in total, amounted to about 1/2 tsp.  I got out of there, though, before I was tempted to snitch a sandwich!

Tonight I am meeting with my daughter's mother-in-law to go shopping for shower invitations and to discuss the menu.  We are meeting at the 99 Restaurant.  I checked the menu before suggesting that - they have a grilled salmon with side vegetables (all of which I can eat as of today).  However, I know these chain restaurants get their food already prepared (no matter HOW healthy it looks with their fancy marketing) so I am going to go early as not to embarrass the other woman, and ask them to rinse off the salmon and all the vegetables before cooking them for me.  If this is not possible, I will just do my best and call it a day.  I am not outright eating anything I shouldn't be, and the worst will be if there is some butter on the various items. (Even if you ask for "no butter" that stuff comes frozen like drop-in boil bags already seasoned and buttered, just FYI.)   I am not going to stress about it.  I will just order what looks to be the healthiest meal on the menu. 

I cannot believe I am so far into the program.  Hmm... let me rephrase - I cannot believe I am already into the reintroduction phase, yet it seems like I have been doing this forever, yet only started yesterday. LOL...

I am already starting to stress over what/how I will eat when this program is over.  Like today at the luncheon - I could have inhaled the entire salad and eaten four sandwiches (well I think I could... maybe not...).  And this isn't just because I am on a restricted program - I could eat like this ALL the time. I think what has been easy about following this program is that there are such strict boundaries.  Eat this. Don't eat that.  Eat this.  Don't eat that.  I hate micromanaging - meaning I don't like things with strict meal plans directing every morsel.  But I do like macromanaging - meaning I am okay with general larger boundaries (no gluten, no dairy, etc.).  So my stress is arising from worrying that I will be given TOO much freedom.  I am meeting with the dietitian within a few days of finishing the program so I am sure she will work with me to slowly reintroduce things so I won't be overhwhelmed.  I am also hoping that I will have enough of a jump start with a little bit of weight loss and that I will be motivated to keep on keepin' on.

Well I won't worry now what might be at the end of April.  Let me get through tonight's dinner first!

Miriam

ADDENDUM TO POST:  About an hour after lunch I got such bloating and discomfort in my upper abdomen.  I don't know whether it was the tomatoes, peppers or the bit of dairy I had (I know it wasn't the onions, I had even less of that than the cheese).  And now I have the burpees.  Oh well... I am pretty sure it is the green pepper, but I will also have tomatoes on day that I don't have the pepper and see if those could be the culprit too.  Interesting development ....

Days 11 and 12 - the weekend!

Had an interesting weekend.  I don't know whether it was easier or harder to be home with this plan.  I was fine on Saturday - except that I didn't have my third shake of the day. I had gone to visit my daughter and by the time I got home and in bed it was late and I was tired and was NOT hungry.  I actually brought dinner to make at her house and it was wonderful:  We had Chilean sea bass and haddock, a vegetable dish (carrots, celery, chard, zucchini) and something else that I don't remember now (lol) - might have been sweet potato.  She thought everything was delicious, as did I.  I drank a shake in the car on my way to her house so I wasn't that hungry to begin with, and certainly not hungry when I got home.

Sunday morning I was having a mini pity-party...oh how I miss my coffee and "normal" breakfast.  My friend was quick to point out that normal is a changing situation, and now my normal is a shake - deal with it! LOL  Once I got through the disappointment of my new normal, I was fine.  As a matter of fact, I did some of my NORMAL Sunday afternoon cooking for the week, that I had been missing:

Fish chowder
Sockeye salmon
Butternut squash
Sweet potatoes
Roasted brussels sprouts with apples
Baked apples
Roasted cabbage

That sort of does me for the week.  I made up three lunches-to-go of salmon, sweet potatoes, roasted cabbage and brussels sprouts.  I made an extra big pot of the fish chowder because I actually thoroughly enjoyed that last week when I made it, so that will be dinner with butternut squash and baked apples.

Actually this strict phase (the metabolic cleanse) is almost done and I made it!  On Wednesday I get to add back in ALL vegetables, ALL fruits and white rice.  The chicken/turkey/lamb and other grains do not make it back in until the last week of this.

My husband said that it looks like I have lost weight but I don't want to be a slave to the scale through this, so don't know what is doing in terms of numbers.

What *I* notice is that I have much more energy (except this morning... must have to do with being Monday and having to use my alarm clock this morning!) AND I had a pesky rash under my belly that has gone away without any ointment.  I think it was something yeasty - so that has totally cleared up!  So far so good...

Miriam

Day 9 (Continued) and Day 10

A lot less blue today!  Last night after work I stopped at the mall and got some walking in - by the time I got home I had over 6,000 steps.  My moderate goal is 5,000 a day for now (I actually will increase to 6,000 next week) so it was nice to receive an "atta girl" from Fitbit when I synced the device when I got home.  Unfortunately I did some shopping too!  I had to go out to my car to get my wallet, as I walk with just my iPod and keys.  Mall walking can be very dangerous.  I used to go before the stores opened in the mornings (they open at 6AM for walking while stores open at 10AM - except for places like Dunkin Donuts and Au Bon Pain - smart to open early to catch the walkers) so I didn't have a shopping problem. 

I had a shake on my way home from work and wasn't hungry until I got home around 8.  I was thinking while I was walking how nice it is to not be famished on the way home from work.  I know I complained yesterday that I miss being hungry - yes and no.  I don't miss being famished and making a beeline for the fridge, but I miss an appetite. I eat because it is time to eat. HOWEVER, not so right now as I am finishing up my lunch.  I didn't have any fruit and a tea as a mid-morning snack because I was visiting my mother so I actually was very hungry for lunch and now that it is finished I am still a bit hungry.  Maybe my body just needs some time to adjust to the new routine and new calorie content.  Also, with increased activity maybe I can expect to be a little more hungry.  I actually hope that I don't go back to being really hungry, but a little bit is okay.

My husband has some sort of a wonderful dinner waiting for me.  He got some wild-caught haddock and he is marinating it in lemon and olive oil.  I am sure it is delicious but seriously?  ENOUGH FISH ALREADY! LOL  I am just really resistant to eating legumes which are allowed at this time.  I have been eating Paleo for so long and have absorbed all their reasoning and now I just don't want to go back to legumes.  I was so happy when I read that I could eat legumes, but now when faced with them I just don't want to.  So... fish it is!  Actually, each shake has 23g protein so I could technically not even have the fish if I wanted an all vegetable meal.  By the time I figure this all out my 28 days will be up anyway! LOL

So I am eating according to the rules, drinking the water required, and moving more.  So now I have to move on to sleep.  I have been doing very well but I am finding lately that I am very tired in the morning and dread getting out of bed.  I am going to make an effort to shut everything off by 10:30, moving it up little by little, for a solid bedtime of 10.  I usually fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, so if I sleep 10-7 I'm good.  I don't sleep uninterrupted (at least once up to go to the bathroom).  I would eventually like to get up earlier than 7, as I am at my best in the morning, but right now I will tackle going to bed earlier not just waking up earlier. 

Looking forward to the weekend!

Miriam

Day 8 (continued) and Day 9

So last night I was REALLY blue and feeling sorry for myself.  I told myself that I would have to share that with you today so you don't think it's all roses with this detox.  I was missing my coffee and my soda.  I was missing my beef and onions and tomatoes and vinegar so that I can enjoy salads - lemon juice just doesn't do it for me  I really tried....(vinegar is allowed but the doctor wants to balance out the PH of my body so none allowed during this period).  Nothing that I could eat appealed to me for dinner.  I treated myself to a sea bass, and although the fish guy did take off the head, tail and scales and took out the guts, he left the fish relatively whole.  I thought it would be fileted so that I could enjoy it with the stuffing I made.  I did bake the fish, then threw it out.  I was afraid that I would never want to eat again.  (LOL - Poor me poor me...)  I thought about people who are so hopeful and excited about getting gastric bypass surgery, and how depressed they really must feel when they no longer can eat what they love in quantities they enjoy. 

So blue....

I don't think my pity-party had to do with my food limitations.  I think it had to do with lack of hunger.  I have never really experienced that before. Even when I got home from surgery (several times in the past decade) I couldn't wait to eat - no pain or pain medication stopped my appetite.  I was always ready to eat.  Yesterday I had my shake after PT (around 5) and I got home with absolutely no appetite or hunger feelings at all (that probably had more to do with my throwing the fish out than the fact that I was disappointed it was not fileted). 

So that ended Day 8.

Today is a new day!  I had my shake for breakfast on the way to work, along with some avocado and my supplements.  I was worried there is not enough fat in the shake for the fat soluble vitamins I take.  About 11 I had an apple.  At 12:30 I had my fish chowder - which is actually VERY good! - and also some roast cauliflower and 1/2 of a sweet potato.  I will have fruit and a second shake in the late afternoon, then maybe the third shake for dinner.  I don't even want anything until 7 or 8.  If I am hungry later I will have fruit again.

I like having a "big" lunch (haha - what I just described was BIG? not by olden-day standards! LOL) and don't mind not having dinner.  I think tonight I will make a soup - maybe escarole and white bean or maybe something with lentils for tomorrow's lunch.  It's not that I am fished out, but I need some better variety. 

I am feeling less blue today.  Last night's mood came out of nowhere.  (I am sure it had a source in something but I am ready to let it go.)  I will drink more tea, think about coffee less.  Today I took a hot to-go cup of tea with me in the car... that sort of helped. 

Looking at the calendar I can see I am almost a third of the way through this.  It really isn't bad in terms of what I can eat and how much I can eat if I wanted... it is just an adjustment to not being hungry (if I were even that darned fish would have looked good last night!). 

How am I feeling?  I noticed that I don't want to go to sleep at night instead of praying for it to be 10PM soon.  (If I sleep any earlier I wake up after an hour and then am up for several.)  Instead I look and I have to force myself to stop what I am doing and go to sleep so I will have enough ZZZs to get me through the next day.  So I suppose I can say I notice I have more energy.  That's good! It's a start!

Miriam

Days 6 & 7

So today (day 7) starts the really restrictive portion of the food plan.  From here on my sources of protein are only wild-caught fish and legumes.  I am sort of iffy on the legumes because I cut them all out as part of the auto-immune protocol of the Paleo diet, but since I am so limited I might gently add them to some dishes, or go full force to make a nice lentil soup - however I am also missing my onions this week and I have never cooked without onions!  My sources of starchy carbs are sweet potatoes and yams, beets and winter squash.  ALL my favorites so no problem there.

I am up to three shakes a day and have started to have one for breakfast.  I cannot have my frozen berries which made the shakes so delicious but I am allowed peaches, so I threw some frozen peaches in this morning, and although not as yummy, still quite tasty.  I read the calorie count for the shakes and although each one has 23 grams of protein, it only has 145 calories so I am convinced (although I already knew it) that these shakes are not intended as meal replacements.  My plan today is to have a regular lunch (I have wild caught salmon -- that I sauteed up at 7:30 this morning  -- sweet potatoes and beets, roasted cauliflower, and a huge container of a variety of sliced melons.  I will make a shake before going home.  Then for dinner I am going to stop by Legal Seafood and if I can get some wild caught trout that is what I have a hankering for, but if they don't have it I will have the rest of the salmon and sautee up some Swiss chard that is itching to be cooked (again no onions - which is what I usually sautee it with).

Everyone is asking me how I feel.  Well ... I feel the same!  I think the detox is working on me internally at cell level, which is what it is intended to do.  Except for the eggs I had already cut out a lot of the foods that I am sensitive to and would have been culprits with any stomach upsets.  Anyway, today is day 7.  Yesterday, which was Day 6 I had a nice surprise which I suppose does have to do with "how do you feel?"  I noticed at about 10PM I wasn't even tired.  I think I have more energy.  I suppose that counts.  AND, on the way home from work, even though I hadn't had a shake in the afternoon AND had a grueling one hour PT session, I wasn't famished as I drove home from work.  As a matter of fact I stopped to grocery shop and I didn't get home for dinner until 7.

Hmm... more energy and not hungry.... I guess I AM feeling a difference!  How about that?

Miriam

Day 5

Forlorn yet a party....

So this morning I was rather sad.  I think not so much because I missed my coffee and usual breakfast but because I missed the routine of it.  I actually got back into bed after I got up and slept another 2 hours.  I was not tired.  I think I was depressed.  I am not making the most of all I have to eat - I can be just as creative with what I have available to me but I just don't feel the love.  Then I missed my Sunday morning coffee in bed more than you can imagine.  Tea just isn't the same.  

After a long while feeling sorry for myself, I got dressed and sat at the kitchen table with my detox literature and made a list of everything that I can eat starting Tuesday, which is day 7.  I still have a list of "core" fruits and veggies (while avoiding others), fish, legumes, oils, herbs and spices.  That's about it.  I am being so silly.  I can create lovely dishes with everything available to me.  But the other part of this puzzle is that I am just not hungry.  And on Day 7 I go up to three shakes a day.  I just do not know how I am going to do that and eat.  Right now I am planning to do a shake for breakfast, a substantial "real food" lunch, a shake for dinner and my third one in the evening.  Or maybe not.  I am also upping my activity (with a Fitbit that I got on Friday) so I might land up being hungrier than I would think.  

In any case... so last night I went to a party where it was all appetizers.  We brought some and the other two couples brought some, all keeping in mind my food limitations.  Let me just say that I enjoyed every morsel, did not miss a bite, and was too full when I got home to have my second shake of the day.  We brought hommos (which I could not eat because of my sensitivity to sesame seeds which is what tahini is made out of), foul M'dammas (which is fava beans and which was absolutely wonderful), spinach pie (which I did not eat), guacamole (which I could eat), and babaghanoush without the tahini (so grilled eggplant with lemon and garlic).  Other things that I could eat were grilled chicken legs, crudites, and a wonderful paleo risotto made with cauliflower, and fresh strawberries and pineapple.  There were only a few things that I could not eat. 

What is the harm in having "just one"?  I had a nice long running conversation with myself and said I would only be fooling or hurting myself to go off the list of allowed foods.  Like, why bother if I am not going to do this right.  Then I thought of my granddaughter, who is making her appearance in June, and said not only am I doing this for myself, but for my children and grandchildren.  And that stopped the pouting.

.... That and the fact that I am already almost at the end of week one, with ONLY three more weeks to go.  The worst of it is the following 10 days when the list of allowable food is really pared down, but I am determined to see this through.

Miriam

Day 4

So I was worried about constipation?  Not an issue.  'nuff said lol.

I have had no appetite beyond having the shakes - as I scraped my lunch into the trash I was thinking that this is what gastric bypass patients must feel like.  Not a problem but I worry what will become of my life without my total focus on food! LOL  Since this is just a month long I don't think I have to worry about it forever, but it really has caused me to think about people who just don't think about food.  Worse yet are the people you see who just push the food around on their plates without eating. I look upon them like they are aliens.

I am an alien.

Miriam

Day 3

Hooray - no headache today!   A bit tired and draggy but without the headache I feel very hopeful that I will start to have more energy as my body adjusts to no caffeine. I had a shake for breakfast on the way work today.  It satisfied my habit of having something hand to mouth in the car - since I am not even having morning coffee...  I know a lot of people do not allow food in the car, but with such a LONG boring commute, I find it helpful to have breakfast - or at least coffee - in the car.  Anyway - the great part about the shake for breakfast was that I went to my PT appointment at 1 and didn't have my lunch until 2!  I did have a couple of pieces of fruit and plenty of water during the morning but I was shocked that I wasn't hungry!

I have been drinking a lot of water and other than a brief moment last night when I almost cried because I missed my coffee/soda, I have been okay during the day.  I also did a first!  I gave up bottled salad dressings more years ago than I can even remember but I never liked my salad with lemon.  I have been instructed not to use  vinegar because the dietitian wants my body to become more Ph Balanced so I can use lemon but not vinegar.  The dietitian said that I would be going to the bathroom (poop!) a lot but so far nada - so I thought maybe it was because I haven't had any salad in three days, so I bit the bullet and had it today with lemon.  Not bad!  I tossed in the olive oil first, then added a small spoon of freshly squeezed lemon.  I think I am going to NOT miss vinegar! 

So it is 3:30 and I just finished lunch - last night I didn't even have dinner - I had a small bowl of tossed almonds, pecans, sunflower seeds and coconut.  Probably no more or less calories than if I had a "real" dinner, but it was what I wanted and craved (I am thinking I needed some fats) and then around 9 I had my second shake.  My husband roasted some chicken for me for dinner (I was lucky enough to find pasture raised chicken yesterday) but if I don't want it I will have it for lunch or breakfast tomorrow and just have my second shake for dinner tonight.  I am up to two scoops of the powder so it really is filling.  I think tomorrow I "graduate" to 2 scoops THREE times a day.  I can't imagine that I am going to want to eat much even though these are not technically meal substitutes and are not meant to be.

But, the best part is that today I spoke to my physical therapist about the possibility of doing a 5K race in May.  She said WHY NOT???  And then I realized that although I want to get better (in a vague sort of way) I have neglected to give myself any concrete goals.  So I am officially in training for a race!  Heck I will be happy to go at a slow stroll and finish -- but that is a valid goal, too, since I can barely walk 1/2 mile without back pain!  

Color me hopeful today! :)

Miriam

What does it all mean?

Determination, patience and courage are the only things needed to improve any situation.
- Peter Sinclair

 Okay, so this morning I had my yearly GYN appointment but at the same practice where I am switching everything over to, so she has access to all my blood work.  Getting answers will come from my appointment with the dietitian (April 1) and the follow up with my primary (April 10).  BUT she said she would tell me the biggies: EGGS, honey, corn, sesame, gluten, peas, beans, and legumes.  Except for eggs and sesame (in the form of tahini) I have already cut everything else out since following the Paleo auto-immune protocol.  BUT EGGS???  That is going to be a big thing for me.  But I am not going to worry just yet.  I don't know what it means to have a sensitivity:  Does the food have to be cut out, cut down, eaten only occasionally?  Oh no - my morning muffin made with flax and almond meals...  what will become of that?  But I get ahead of myself.  I can certainly cut down on my own then get the final word from the dietitian.

I find it interesting that ALL the sensitivities (except for the sesame) are all foods to avoid not only on Paleo but on its auto-immune protocol list of foods to avoid.  So this shows that I was on the right path all along - even before I found these doctors and had the sensitivity tests.  Just goes to show that sometimes we just have to get quiet and listen to and trust ourselves.  

I think my quote today (above) absolutely sings to this new development.  All I need now is determination, patience and COURAGE to forge ahead and find my way along this new path set before me.  

OMG - so much to learn about myself - scarey and exciting all rolled into one!

Miriam

Define Prison

Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? ~Rumi


 I had a very interesting experience yesterday.  My dance troupe had its premier performance and after starting our day at 8AM we finally made it to lunch around 3.  We went to a wonderful Irish cafe where - had I wanted to - could have stayed entirely within Paleo/Primal boundaries.  But after saying I was not religiously wedded to that way of eating, and once in a while I can eat whatever I want (ha! picture a two-year old's temper tantrum), I ordered a New England clam chowder (probably loaded with flour and other gluten ingredients) followed by pulled pork plate (I did not take the bread, but the BBQ sauce I am sure had sugar, MSG, and other not-so-good ingredients, with sweet potato fries (sweet potatoes are fine but goodness knows what kind of oil they were fried in) and coleslaw.  Of course I ate some of the breaded fried onion rings (with ketchup) that the other two gals ordered.  

As soon as I finished my meal I told them - if I ever want to eat like that again REMIND ME to stick to my plan.  Not only was I uncomfortable, but I was sick all night with heartburn and a headache, not to mention terribly dehydrated from eating such salted foods.  I still had remnants of heartburn today.

So it made me think - which is the prison: Not eating like I used to or keeping myself in bad health because I do?  I suppose along with the saying "Pick your poison" we can add "Pick your prison."  

I think this all ties in with my feelings about acceptance.  I must accept the fact that I cannot eat the way I did yesterday and still have the health that I want.  I think the worse prison is to keep myself in ill health and to fight acceptance of my truth: that regardless of what my food sensitivity tests may show, I cannot eat with abandon.  Doing so keeps me in a prison of ill health.  

I don't know how many times I will go through the revolving door that this prison seems to have, but I hope this was the last time (but I know it won't be).  It actually has nothing to do with will power.  Will power doesn't mean that I have come to acceptance.  It actually means that I haven't and that I am fighting it.  I want to come to the point where I will look at a restaurant menu, and just quietly know and accept that something like seared ahi and a salad will bring me good feelings and keep my on the other side of the ill-health prison doors, while eating pulled pork and onion rings will put me right back in.  Rather than fight a fight of will power with the warden,  it would be nice to  just walk by the prison - maybe many years down the road I won't even see it anymore.

Anyway - I am barely hungry today and I am honing right in on that.  Along with good choices I am working on paying attention to my body's signals of empty and full, and trying to find the sweet spot right in the middle.  In all honesty, if I had done that yesterday I probably wouldn't have been sick - but that type of food makes me want to ignore the signals, so it is best not to start what I cannot stop.

Here's to staying out of prison!

Miriam

Pity Party: BE GONE!

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
- M. Kathleen Casey

I was just so blue yesterday... probably many other things going on than just being sad that I have to accept so many changes in my life.  I almost even came back in and deleted the post (but I fell asleep thinking about it) when I thought of my friend in NY who has accepted and given up so much more in her life than I ever will have to.  But I was reminded, too, of something a friend - who is in a wheelchair following a horrific accident that killed her fiance many years ago - said to me:  "My pain is my pain and your pain is your pain.  It is not a competition.  You don't have to have tremendous suffering compared to someone else to feel that you aren't entitled to your experience."  However, I then think of my father's favorite saying: "I used to complain that I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet."  So I guess, taking both views into account, I can find middle ground.  Yes: I'm blue, I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm grieving and angry... but I'll get over it!

Pity party be gone!  Let's see what I CAN eat.  Well, almost anything, really!  There.  That feels better!  A friend asked me yesterday what I miss the most about having taken the gluten-free, then Paleo path.  I had to answer, sincerely, NOTHING.  If I really wanted to, I could bake plenty - cookies, breads, sweets - anything can be "paleotized".  I just am not doing that because I don't see the point of substituting one high calorie item for another high calorie item.  However, if I really have a craving for something, it can be done.  I also noted that after my food sensitivity tests are back and I meet with the dietitian I might be inclined to add some things back.  I know, however, that gluten-free is for life.  On the other hand, I do not suffer immediately when I do eat something with gluten, so there is room for having something of that nature without beating myself up over it.

I had the most unusual breakfast today and I loved it so much I can't wait to have it again and again.  I had chopped liver wrapped in Paleo wraps with lettuce. I also had my daily 1/2 avocado on the side and some fruit.  If you had told me - even last week - that this would be a favorite breakfast I would have said you are NUTS!  I was a little hungrier than usual afterwards because it did not have the fiber of my breakfast muffins, but an apple took care of that.  I might have two wraps tomorrow.  The extra protein will more than help hold me over.  Then I can halve my muffin and make that a mind-morning snack instead of my full breakfast.  

I might get the hang of this after all, without the need to color me BLUE!

Meanwhile I made my husband a shopping list with all the veggies you see on the wallpaper of this blog.  He goes to a great farm to get everything.  I usually enjoy the trip with him but I have a full day tomorrow with a dress rehearsal for my dance troupe (we have a performance on Tuesday!) and I would like the veggies in the house before Sunday, which is the other day that I would have gone shopping.  I took yesterday's post to heart and this morning before leaving for work I took out a couple of my (new) favorite cookbooks and noticed how exhilarated I was just looking through recipes and thinking about what to cook.  With hubby's trip to the farm I'll have everything I need - but I won't necessarily have to use everything right away.  (With the farm fresh quality, produce lasts for more than a week even without preservatives.)  Somehow it is comforting just to have the ability to cook to my heart's content even if I don't.  

Anyway... have a great weekend.  I tend not to blog on the weekends because I prefer to do it from my office desk, even though I have the same computing abilities at home.  I will see you Monday!

Miriam 

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. ~Rumi

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. ~Rumi

I thought I knew it ALL about what to eat for good health.  I was the cleverest of the clever! But I am learning so much from reading about auto-immune diseases that spills out into all areas of health and well-being.

I had my liver last night - oh my gosh ... it was SO good.  Wait? Did *I* say that? LOL  And on the way home I stopped at a health food store that sells Julian bread products and picked up the Paleo wraps and two loaves of the Paleo bread - one coconut flour and one almond flour.  After all, I needed to spread my chopped liver on something!  Jury is out on the bread.  I will toast up a slice of each and have it with some butter and then I'll give you my opinion.  But the original purpose was served well - a vehicle for my liver! LOL  I can do without bread in general, so I don't want to start up the habit of having it when normally I would not, but it is nice to have an option.  After seeing the prices for the wraps and the bread I might reconsider making my own (of both).   

So I came home today after spending 3 hours at the beauty salon.  I had packed and eaten lunch on my way there so I was all set.  When I got out I was hungry and couldn't wait to get home to have some soup ... which I did.  I'm full.  I'm sad.
Why? I look gorgeous - that's not the reason ;)

I just realized that - in line with my blog on acceptance - I am dealing with the fact that I don't have my usual familiar behavior to make me comfortable.  First of all, I was VERY aware that I did not go from the salon to one of the malls to spend money I don't have on things I don't need.  That particular behavior I have been working on for YEARS, and I no longer get the mindless exhilaration that I used to get from mindless shopping.  Mindless eating had taken over.  But now I do not have mindless eating.  And I feel I have been left with nothing.  Except sadness.   I am learning to accept this.

I also have been thinking for quite some time - but most recently this morning - that I do not need to eat the quantity of food that I am used to.  What does this mean?  I also don't need to cook the quantity of food that I used to.  I don't have a big enough freezer to put away all the portions I would have to put away if I kept cooking at the rate and quantity that I had been doing up until recently.  I made my shopping list for next week then crossed out all but the ingredients needed for one meal, and ketchup.  That sort of made me sad.  For those of you who know me you know I love to cook - and a lot at one time.  That is out of my life now.  I must accept.

It seems I am losing too much without having seen the gain from it yet (good health).  It is hard to function on blind faith.  But I have to keep remembering:  Faith, Acceptance, and, as above, the joy of bewilderment. 

Please pray for me that I do not turn to food in my state of melancholy and sadness.  Pray that I find something to fill the emptiness.  Pray that acceptance becomes easier.

Miriam

 

Acceptance

Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.
- Joanne Kathleen

 I have been struggling a lot with acceptance lately.  Part of it has been the acceptance that I cannot have sugar in my life and have the life that I want.  (Not necessarily because of any intrinsic awfulness with sugar - but I get crazed when I eat it especially in combination with white flour - as in cookies, cakes, pastries, etc.) I cannot eat the way I used to (either in quantity or food choices) and have health.  I am working through the various stages of grief as I have been giving up these things, but that is not the acceptance that I am talking about here in this post.  

I am talking about an acceptance of physical limitations.  This morning I had an appointment with the osteopath and Visions Health Care and in our (more-than-an-hour) appointment the final wind-up was that she said to me that she will never be an NFL football player, but she loves football and loves to play with her kids.  Her point was that I might never walk 5 miles a day again, especially at the speed I used to do it.  But that does not mean that I have to give up walking 1 mile a day at a slow speed.  What I got from the conversation is that because I have not come to a point of acceptance with my limitations (as they are now) that I have thrown out the baby with the bath water, so to speak, and have reached a point where I have all but given up on everything.  I even hurt myself when I took a yoga class!  

My plan of action right now is to go ahead with the spine injections that my other osteopath encouraged me to get.  She said that all tests show that my nerve endings are very tender and inflamed, and that I cannot get any quality work done (exercise or PT) until the inflammation goes down.  Then I must also have a course of PT working on core exercises.  Once I am stronger and the nerves have quieted down then she can work on manipulation that will, as she said, "put everything back where it belongs."
But if she does that manipulation now it won't stick.

So I have my PT evaluation scheduled for next week, and am waiting to hear back from the spine clinic for an appointment with that doctor.

The other element of acceptance - and which I think is absolutely the hardest for me - is that I have to to WORK at this.  That means when PT ends, my exercising does NOT.  I have never followed through with an exercise or physical therapy program in my life.  I am surprised that I became such an accomplished dancer - I must have been able to follow through on some physical activity at some point in my life! Believe me, I have had intentions of doing things - my library of exercise DVDs, exercise ball, trampoline, elliptical, treadmill and exercise bikes (yes I said BIKES - both standard and recumbent) attest to that.  But intention is not acceptance that I ACTUALLY have to do the work.  I suppose that is what I miss most about walking - my own two feet and nothing else shaped me up.  While I have to accept that those days may be over, other days are not...

Anyway - I am on my way this afternoon to get Paleo wraps.  I actually did make chopped liver (this morning - 7:30 AM frying liver and onions so I would have it chilled for tonight) and hope that maybe it will go nicely in these wraps.  If where I am going also has the Paleo coconut bread I will get that as well and toast a couple of slices (only 35 calories a slice) because the chopped liver will taste better on that.  

OMG - liver and exercise... what's happening to me?????

Miriam

Stepping Stones

Well after a short hiatus from this blog it is time to return.  I had a "good time" at DWLZ joining a group in January doing the Whole 30, sharing recipes and experiences, but I am ready to return here.

The past two years have all been in preparation for where I find myself at this very minute.  I am not going to beat myself up that I did not arrive here sooner - I wasn't ready.  And besides, I had to learn about everything else: from the inner deepest depths of my evolution out of childhood issues to learning about Paleo, Primal, and anti-inflammatory eating.

I have become a patient at a new medical practice, Visions Health Care,  and am working with doctors who practice functional medicine.  I was first introduced to functional medicine about a year ago, and that slowly led me on the path to where I am now.

I have been sugar-free and gluten-free since last May and November, respectively.  And now that my doctor has run dozens and dozens of blood tests (only a few which I have seen so far - they are still coming in, and many I will get at my follow-up appointments in April) I am ready to cut many more things out of my diet. The initial test results show that I have a very high level of inflammation in my body (which accounts not just for the usual arthritis issues, but also has been linked to heart disease - something for which I am not immune) and am going to start to take steps toward reversing that.

I also had a food sensitivity panel done (which will not be available until April) but given the level of inflammation in my body, it is a safe bet to say that there will be many culprits on the list.  Visions Health Care is a very strong proponent of gluten-free eating, as they have seen many diseases and conditions that stem from eating wheat.  I am so grateful that I have already eliminated any sources of gluten from my diet so that is one less hurdle for me. 

But eating gluten-free is only one of all the puzzle pieces that I have to put together to reduce the inflammation in my body.  There are SO many other things that I have to learn and practice and DO. It isn't one food group to eat or to avoid.  It isn't one supplement that will take care of everything.  It isn't one of anything that is going to reverse this.  But I am so grateful that I have an open mind and a willing spirit to find out what needs to be done, then do it.  

I absolutely refuse to give into the pain and the fatigue and the looming threat of illnesses.  I refuse to live my life with a cabinet full of pharmaceuticals.  I refuse to stay with a conventional medical practice that has the "oh well" or "wait and see" attitude.  

I also refuse to be scared to try new things and to be obstinate about new ways of eating.  I will do what I have to do.  

I choose health. I choose to do it the way it is prescribed for me, knowing that it is not everyone's path, but it is mine.  

Miriam