Where did the time go? I am at day 27

Almost finished!  I think I must have miscounted somewhere along the way because I am at day 27 today and tomorrow is THE END.  

I had one near miss, one collision and one fatality this weekend.

The near miss was that yesterday was Sunday morning, I was so desperate for my relaxation "ritual" so I poured a cup of coffee, added my creamer, Splenda and Starbucks flavoring.  I put it to my lips and took a small sip.  I looked at it and said - what would be the point... and poured it down the sink.

The collision was that yesterday was our Passover Seder.  I made a chicken dish that I couldn't eat (because there was sesame and sugar in the sauce).  With all the recipes and cooking I do you would think I would have made something "safe" but all I could think about was how I was going to have my cousin's wonderful brisket.  I don't know how many of you are familiar with the goings-on at a Passover seder but from appetizers to desserts probably no less than two dozen different foods hit the table.  I had NOTHING but the steamed string beans that I brought (I did have a shake on the way there so I was sure to not be hungry!) and two pieces of brisket.  As I raised the fork to my mouth my husband quietly said, "I thought you are not supposed to be eating beef."  I didn't even THINK of that ... all that was on my mind was NOT eating the chicken!  Let's just say I savored every single bite of that brisket - guilt free, knowing that there probably was little damage done since I had eaten NOTHING else from the meal.  (Side note:  I was extremely gassy all night which has not happened since starting the detox... which either means that the beef FINALLY got things going or that my stomach was complaining about having it added back... the two might be one and the same! I will ask the dietitian tomorrow.)

The fatality was those darn cookies after I was already ready for bed.  However, I did not have a huge binge.  Just a few.  But I also had a small amount (I swear) of chocolate covered raisins.  In one of the programs I have worked with this past year, the teacher says "Of course you eat at night.  You are so exhausted from being good all day."  You would think after being good all day I would have stopped myself.  But I just had a little bit (HONEST) and didn't feel bad about myself.  I wonder what the dietitian will say tomorrow - if she follows the 80/20 rule - or even 90/10.  If I had outright allergies I would be stupid to put myself in harms way, but I am curious whether there will be a little leeway once I get started on normal eating.  

The thing of it is, once I am off detox and can go back to my full Paleo cooking I am pretty sure that I won't be having (too many) lapses into sugar and flour because I will be so much more satisfied during the day.  I won't be fighting to stay on a restricted program.  I am actually very proud of myself.  I can count on one hand the number of times I went off the program (three being yesterday and a fourth when I had that horrible binge last week).  Other than that I have been true to the program - even way better than the 90/10 rule would be.  I had someone compliment me today on sticking to the program.  I am happy to say I basked in the compliment of the 90% instead of bringing up the 10% and hanging my head!  That in itself is an accomplishment.  

Tonight I am going to take out some of my favorite Paleo cookbooks and bring them to my appointment.  I am hoping that I can go back to full Paleo eating, with restrictions only on the worse of the offenders (eggs and honey... unfortunately very important...).  I am sure I will have to restrict the full sensitivity food list but I am hoping that we are talking moderation and not total cutting out.  We shall see...

Miriam

Days 18, 19, and 20 (weekend + today)

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Starting tomorrow I am back to normal (well as far as normal goes for this program) and I can reintroduce chicken, lamb, nuts and seeds.  Never thought I would be so grateful to eat a piece of chicken! 

I weathered the weekend very well - including dinner at my daughter's house.  I brought cod and made a wonderful warm tapinade (olives, capers, shallots and cherry tomatoes), with rice pilaf (white rice made in vegetable broth, with sauteed onions, peppers, celery and black beans) and steamed vegetables (broccoli and carrots).  The only thing I forgot was my Bengal Spice tea, so while everyone was finishing the meal with coffee I cleaned the kitchen! 

On Sunday I actually only had one meal.  I woke up famished and had a plate of rice pilaf ((I wanted FOOD not a shake!) then later through the day I had a shake at lunch, then one midday so was not hungry for dinner; in the evening I had another shake.  In between I had some of the roasted veggies I had made that afternoon for the week.  I couldn't face another piece of fish, although I sure did enjoy it today for lunch!  I don't know yet what I will have for dinner.  I miscounted and thought tonight could be lamb chops but I need one more night of the fish/legume options.  Sigh.. maybe I won't have dinner...  Maybe I will stop by Whole Foods and pick up a mixed-melon salad - that would be a wonderful treat to celebrate the last night of the most difficult phase.  Oh... maybe some almond nut butter in celery for the side!  LOL - tonight's dinner is looking better and better!

That is another change coming up:  As of today I need only two shakes and starting tomorrow I need only two shakes using one scoop each (instead of 2).  I made it to the final stretch - I am so proud of myself! 

I am contact with the dietitian over the log jam (yes, again) and she suggested adding flaxmeal - something I had every day when I was making my breakfast muffins.  I will add a TBS to each shake from here on - extra berries to balance the flavor. The other things she suggested are already being done: magnesium, probiotic, lots of liquids.  I also told her that lemon juice instead of vinegar just doesn't do it for me so I haven't been eating ANY salads at all during this phase.  I am eating a ton of cooked and raw vegetables and there is no law that I have to eat salad, but I bet that might have something to do with it.

Anyway - I am happy as a clam to be almost done with this, and as Babs pointed out - no need to worry about a future that isn't here yet.  And in the spirit of Elaine's advice I am embracing the moment (hence that wonderful dinner at my daughter's house).

Putting lamb shanks in the crock pot tonight :)

Miriam

Days 16 and 17 (today)

Well, it killed me to do it because I have been eating Paleo for so many months now, but I made a wonderful white rice and black bean pilaf to have last night.  I had my fish soup (absolutely wonderful) with a little rice for dinner but about 8 I was looking for something else and didn't want my shake just yet.  So I went ahead and made the pilaf. 

I have three concerns at this point:

1)  This is throwing me into a diet mentality which I tried so hard to break out of.  Even though the point of the detox is not weight loss (and this was quite freeing at the beginning) I have started to think about things - like "Should I really be having this rice?"  "How many extra calories is it when I could have just done without it?"  "The nutritional information on the shakes says it is only 145 calories... but is it?"

2)  I am starting to covet things that I have learned to walk away from...  the chips, the bagels, the candy, the bread.  The deprivation mindset is seeping in. 

3) My friend last night said I am doing so well because I have my eye on the prize.  But right now I am thinking, "What prize?"  For all this limited eating I have NOT lost weight, I do not feel miraculous changes like boundless energy or no aches and pains.  I know that the healing is internal and I might not be feeling anything on the outside.  I understand that. 

I am not getting discouraged (I had nothing to look forward to in a concrete way so there is nothing to be disappointed about).  And, since I have come this far it would be just plain stupid not to see it through.  I am not even blue about it as I was in the earlier phase.  I don't know how I feel about it, actually.  If I had dropped 10 pounds then I would tell anyone to go for it!  But because the benefits are not yet showing themselves it is hard for me to answer anything but "Okay" when someone asks "How's it going?". 

I am constipated again.  Sort of begs the question of how this is supposed to cleanse you if everything is jammed up?  I am eating a lot of fruits and vegetables, but probably still not as many as I would eat if I were not doing this.  I had already cut out grains but at least I was having seeds and nuts and nut flours and flax seed meal before.  So I know there has been a dip in fiber. 

Anyway - just to honestly report:  The gun-ho exhilaration has passed but I am no where giving up on it.  Sort of like the exhilaration of  falling in love and making a wedding... then the drudgery of marriage sets in.  Not bad, but not the falling-in-love phase either! LOL  No reason to give up on that... or this!

Miriam

Days 14 (continued) and 15

First of all, I am so hungry.  I can eat as often as I want and as much as I want from the list of approved foods, but I am just hungry... I just finished a box of blackberries and am going to move on to melon.  My husband is making me boiled white rice (which I can add back) but that isn't until I get home.  Maybe for lunch I will hit a Chinese restaurant and get an order of rice.  I am starting to have food on the brain.  I have to admit... I am getting tired of the shakes, as yummy as they are....

So why I have a continuation of yesterday is that I wanted to report back on dinner.  I spoke to the waitress and told her my concerns - that if at all possible I did not want butter, although I could have oil if the cook didn't want to dry cook things and I did order the seasoned salmon that came with steamed broccoli, roasted asparagus and grilled tomato.  I have to say it was one of the nicest restaurant dinners (for that level of restaurant) that I have had and enjoyed every single morsel.  The victory for me was that I did not look at the menu.  Often I decide in advance, from an on-line menu, what I am having then once I get there I look at everything else and get distracted by fries, burgers and the like.  I was glad to have what I ordered and was very happy and satisfied with it.

I got home, had my third shake for the day, and called it a night.  I don't think I am getting tired of the limited list so much as I am tired of the shakes.  Or maybe it's not that I am tired of the shakes but that I am tired of the limited list.  Oh... whatever....

This morning I was already saying to myself that the FIRST thing I am going to do when this is over with is to have my morning cup of coffee.  Then have a REAL breakfast.  But, alas, I am sure my dietitian has plans for me with regard to how to reintroduce foods... at what pace, in what quantity and choices.  Unfortunately right now my follow-up appointment is over two weeks after I finish this program so at the end of next week I will call to be put on a cancellation list to go sooner.

I liked Babs' comment yesterday though, about how if I am taking this one day at a time, why worry about the future?  So true.  I just have to shake the thoughts of coffee, cappuccino and eggs out of my head.

However, to put this all in perspective, it is with a heavy heart that I say prayers today for my friend's daughter-in-law who has gone into premature labor.  She is due just a week later than my own daughter, in June, so it is very early and very worrisome.  Sort of makes shakes and limited food lists pale in comparison compared to real life and death issues.  Prayers are with her and her family.

Miriam

ADDENDUM: I couldn't wait till getting home and got a small white rice for lunch and ate only that (and some melon) for lunch.  A bit nauseous - but I don't think it was the rice - I think it was that I ate quickly and ate it ALL.

Also - heard from my friend - her daughter-in-law delivered a three pound baby girl by C-section and so far they are both doing well, although the baby is in the NICU.  I told her that three pounds is a GOOD thing, and wish them all well.

Days 13 and 14

Well yesterday was my last day (13)of the REALLY strict phase - I made it!!!  Not a morsel passed my lips that was not on the list, and I am now on Day 14, the start of the reintroduction.  Now before I get too excited I have to remind myself that this only means that now I can have all fruits and vegetables (not just what is on the "core" list) and I can add white rice if I want.  This reintroduction phase goes in several steps so I am here for three days.

This is a good thing because:

I had to set out a seminar luncheon today and there was a Greek salad to die for.  Before the participants came in I took a paper cup and took off (carefully rearranging so no one would notice) peppers, tomatoes and red onions.  I was not so careful about taking off the flecks of feta cheese, which I think probably, in total, amounted to about 1/2 tsp.  I got out of there, though, before I was tempted to snitch a sandwich!

Tonight I am meeting with my daughter's mother-in-law to go shopping for shower invitations and to discuss the menu.  We are meeting at the 99 Restaurant.  I checked the menu before suggesting that - they have a grilled salmon with side vegetables (all of which I can eat as of today).  However, I know these chain restaurants get their food already prepared (no matter HOW healthy it looks with their fancy marketing) so I am going to go early as not to embarrass the other woman, and ask them to rinse off the salmon and all the vegetables before cooking them for me.  If this is not possible, I will just do my best and call it a day.  I am not outright eating anything I shouldn't be, and the worst will be if there is some butter on the various items. (Even if you ask for "no butter" that stuff comes frozen like drop-in boil bags already seasoned and buttered, just FYI.)   I am not going to stress about it.  I will just order what looks to be the healthiest meal on the menu. 

I cannot believe I am so far into the program.  Hmm... let me rephrase - I cannot believe I am already into the reintroduction phase, yet it seems like I have been doing this forever, yet only started yesterday. LOL...

I am already starting to stress over what/how I will eat when this program is over.  Like today at the luncheon - I could have inhaled the entire salad and eaten four sandwiches (well I think I could... maybe not...).  And this isn't just because I am on a restricted program - I could eat like this ALL the time. I think what has been easy about following this program is that there are such strict boundaries.  Eat this. Don't eat that.  Eat this.  Don't eat that.  I hate micromanaging - meaning I don't like things with strict meal plans directing every morsel.  But I do like macromanaging - meaning I am okay with general larger boundaries (no gluten, no dairy, etc.).  So my stress is arising from worrying that I will be given TOO much freedom.  I am meeting with the dietitian within a few days of finishing the program so I am sure she will work with me to slowly reintroduce things so I won't be overhwhelmed.  I am also hoping that I will have enough of a jump start with a little bit of weight loss and that I will be motivated to keep on keepin' on.

Well I won't worry now what might be at the end of April.  Let me get through tonight's dinner first!

Miriam

ADDENDUM TO POST:  About an hour after lunch I got such bloating and discomfort in my upper abdomen.  I don't know whether it was the tomatoes, peppers or the bit of dairy I had (I know it wasn't the onions, I had even less of that than the cheese).  And now I have the burpees.  Oh well... I am pretty sure it is the green pepper, but I will also have tomatoes on day that I don't have the pepper and see if those could be the culprit too.  Interesting development ....

Days 11 and 12 - the weekend!

Had an interesting weekend.  I don't know whether it was easier or harder to be home with this plan.  I was fine on Saturday - except that I didn't have my third shake of the day. I had gone to visit my daughter and by the time I got home and in bed it was late and I was tired and was NOT hungry.  I actually brought dinner to make at her house and it was wonderful:  We had Chilean sea bass and haddock, a vegetable dish (carrots, celery, chard, zucchini) and something else that I don't remember now (lol) - might have been sweet potato.  She thought everything was delicious, as did I.  I drank a shake in the car on my way to her house so I wasn't that hungry to begin with, and certainly not hungry when I got home.

Sunday morning I was having a mini pity-party...oh how I miss my coffee and "normal" breakfast.  My friend was quick to point out that normal is a changing situation, and now my normal is a shake - deal with it! LOL  Once I got through the disappointment of my new normal, I was fine.  As a matter of fact, I did some of my NORMAL Sunday afternoon cooking for the week, that I had been missing:

Fish chowder
Sockeye salmon
Butternut squash
Sweet potatoes
Roasted brussels sprouts with apples
Baked apples
Roasted cabbage

That sort of does me for the week.  I made up three lunches-to-go of salmon, sweet potatoes, roasted cabbage and brussels sprouts.  I made an extra big pot of the fish chowder because I actually thoroughly enjoyed that last week when I made it, so that will be dinner with butternut squash and baked apples.

Actually this strict phase (the metabolic cleanse) is almost done and I made it!  On Wednesday I get to add back in ALL vegetables, ALL fruits and white rice.  The chicken/turkey/lamb and other grains do not make it back in until the last week of this.

My husband said that it looks like I have lost weight but I don't want to be a slave to the scale through this, so don't know what is doing in terms of numbers.

What *I* notice is that I have much more energy (except this morning... must have to do with being Monday and having to use my alarm clock this morning!) AND I had a pesky rash under my belly that has gone away without any ointment.  I think it was something yeasty - so that has totally cleared up!  So far so good...

Miriam

Day 9 (Continued) and Day 10

A lot less blue today!  Last night after work I stopped at the mall and got some walking in - by the time I got home I had over 6,000 steps.  My moderate goal is 5,000 a day for now (I actually will increase to 6,000 next week) so it was nice to receive an "atta girl" from Fitbit when I synced the device when I got home.  Unfortunately I did some shopping too!  I had to go out to my car to get my wallet, as I walk with just my iPod and keys.  Mall walking can be very dangerous.  I used to go before the stores opened in the mornings (they open at 6AM for walking while stores open at 10AM - except for places like Dunkin Donuts and Au Bon Pain - smart to open early to catch the walkers) so I didn't have a shopping problem. 

I had a shake on my way home from work and wasn't hungry until I got home around 8.  I was thinking while I was walking how nice it is to not be famished on the way home from work.  I know I complained yesterday that I miss being hungry - yes and no.  I don't miss being famished and making a beeline for the fridge, but I miss an appetite. I eat because it is time to eat. HOWEVER, not so right now as I am finishing up my lunch.  I didn't have any fruit and a tea as a mid-morning snack because I was visiting my mother so I actually was very hungry for lunch and now that it is finished I am still a bit hungry.  Maybe my body just needs some time to adjust to the new routine and new calorie content.  Also, with increased activity maybe I can expect to be a little more hungry.  I actually hope that I don't go back to being really hungry, but a little bit is okay.

My husband has some sort of a wonderful dinner waiting for me.  He got some wild-caught haddock and he is marinating it in lemon and olive oil.  I am sure it is delicious but seriously?  ENOUGH FISH ALREADY! LOL  I am just really resistant to eating legumes which are allowed at this time.  I have been eating Paleo for so long and have absorbed all their reasoning and now I just don't want to go back to legumes.  I was so happy when I read that I could eat legumes, but now when faced with them I just don't want to.  So... fish it is!  Actually, each shake has 23g protein so I could technically not even have the fish if I wanted an all vegetable meal.  By the time I figure this all out my 28 days will be up anyway! LOL

So I am eating according to the rules, drinking the water required, and moving more.  So now I have to move on to sleep.  I have been doing very well but I am finding lately that I am very tired in the morning and dread getting out of bed.  I am going to make an effort to shut everything off by 10:30, moving it up little by little, for a solid bedtime of 10.  I usually fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, so if I sleep 10-7 I'm good.  I don't sleep uninterrupted (at least once up to go to the bathroom).  I would eventually like to get up earlier than 7, as I am at my best in the morning, but right now I will tackle going to bed earlier not just waking up earlier. 

Looking forward to the weekend!

Miriam

Day 8 (continued) and Day 9

So last night I was REALLY blue and feeling sorry for myself.  I told myself that I would have to share that with you today so you don't think it's all roses with this detox.  I was missing my coffee and my soda.  I was missing my beef and onions and tomatoes and vinegar so that I can enjoy salads - lemon juice just doesn't do it for me  I really tried....(vinegar is allowed but the doctor wants to balance out the PH of my body so none allowed during this period).  Nothing that I could eat appealed to me for dinner.  I treated myself to a sea bass, and although the fish guy did take off the head, tail and scales and took out the guts, he left the fish relatively whole.  I thought it would be fileted so that I could enjoy it with the stuffing I made.  I did bake the fish, then threw it out.  I was afraid that I would never want to eat again.  (LOL - Poor me poor me...)  I thought about people who are so hopeful and excited about getting gastric bypass surgery, and how depressed they really must feel when they no longer can eat what they love in quantities they enjoy. 

So blue....

I don't think my pity-party had to do with my food limitations.  I think it had to do with lack of hunger.  I have never really experienced that before. Even when I got home from surgery (several times in the past decade) I couldn't wait to eat - no pain or pain medication stopped my appetite.  I was always ready to eat.  Yesterday I had my shake after PT (around 5) and I got home with absolutely no appetite or hunger feelings at all (that probably had more to do with my throwing the fish out than the fact that I was disappointed it was not fileted). 

So that ended Day 8.

Today is a new day!  I had my shake for breakfast on the way to work, along with some avocado and my supplements.  I was worried there is not enough fat in the shake for the fat soluble vitamins I take.  About 11 I had an apple.  At 12:30 I had my fish chowder - which is actually VERY good! - and also some roast cauliflower and 1/2 of a sweet potato.  I will have fruit and a second shake in the late afternoon, then maybe the third shake for dinner.  I don't even want anything until 7 or 8.  If I am hungry later I will have fruit again.

I like having a "big" lunch (haha - what I just described was BIG? not by olden-day standards! LOL) and don't mind not having dinner.  I think tonight I will make a soup - maybe escarole and white bean or maybe something with lentils for tomorrow's lunch.  It's not that I am fished out, but I need some better variety. 

I am feeling less blue today.  Last night's mood came out of nowhere.  (I am sure it had a source in something but I am ready to let it go.)  I will drink more tea, think about coffee less.  Today I took a hot to-go cup of tea with me in the car... that sort of helped. 

Looking at the calendar I can see I am almost a third of the way through this.  It really isn't bad in terms of what I can eat and how much I can eat if I wanted... it is just an adjustment to not being hungry (if I were even that darned fish would have looked good last night!). 

How am I feeling?  I noticed that I don't want to go to sleep at night instead of praying for it to be 10PM soon.  (If I sleep any earlier I wake up after an hour and then am up for several.)  Instead I look and I have to force myself to stop what I am doing and go to sleep so I will have enough ZZZs to get me through the next day.  So I suppose I can say I notice I have more energy.  That's good! It's a start!

Miriam

Day 7 (continued) and Day 8

So I figured it was time to get creative in the kitchen so I wouldn't get sick of fish.  I spent the evening cooking (Day 7) and with some GREAT success!  Thanks to my friend Elaine who was on Facebook with me to advise about seasonings, I made two fantastic dishes:

First, I made a vegetable stuffing for a whole striped bass: Sauteed carrots, celery, zucchini, rainbow chard stems and leaves seasoned with paprika and chives.

Then, I made a clear fish chowder with carrots, celery, chard and cod seasoned with thyme, basil, Old Bay, bay leaf, salt and pepper.

I was looking forward to coming home and having the chowder for dinner, but now that I am writing this out I remember that I have the bass!  So much fish - so little time. The chowder will keep so I will make the bass tonight while it is fresh.

I am finding an abundance of wild caught fish and it is hard to keep my purchases to just one or two things at a time - I would rather buy fresh and cook, than freeze, but it is so hard not to buy one of everything!.

Today for lunch I am having wild caught coho salmon, sweet potato, beets, and roast cauliflower. I have been buying cut up melon from Whole Foods - they have a lovely mixture of cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew - and everything is perfectly ripe and sweet.  Honestly - when people ask me, "Then what can you eat?" I have to answer that I have never shopped or cooked more healthfully in my life - and believe me, I was already cooking fresh and healthy!  This is not to say that I might not be able to look at fish for a month after this, but so far, so good.

Last night I didn't time my shakes right and so landed up having a shake for dinner and one later in the evening.  Today I am going to make sure to have a shake on the way home from work so that I will be able to have dinner, then save the third shake for the evening.  I think replacing breakfast with a shake is enough of a meal replacement - I don't want to do more than that (nor do I have to).

Today I added "Intuitive Eating" to my labels because with this plan, I find that I am really tuning into my hunger, fullness, desires, tastes, etc., and it is a much more natural way of eating - more so than any excursion I have made in the past into Intuitive Eating.  Granted my available foods are not endless (which is one concept of IE), but I find that within the boundaries of what I am allowed to eat, I am picking and choosing most naturally.  I like that the dietitian said that this period is not about losing weight, it is just about getting healthy.  That instruction has freed me from monitoring every bite that goes into my mouth (other than being sure it is on the allowed list).

I am so excited that yesterday I almost met my step goal on Fitbit and the day before I exceeded it.  I find that I am moving more with it.  For instance, I took stairs up and down at work yesterday where I might normally have taken the elevator.  It is so much more fun than a pedometer - I enjoy reading all the tallies at the end of the day and seeing what my friends are doing too.

Anyway - Day 8 and doing good!

Miriam

Learning not to bolt

One of those days.  Hangin' on but barely.  I don't know whether it's the change in weather (just saw the first snowflake and the wind is howling up a storm) or just it's too good to be true that I had so many feelin'-good days in a row!  (I think part of it is also that I didn't go for my walk today - I had a chiropractor visit last night for my back/hip and this morning I woke up with the realization that I had better take at least this one day off.)

One thing I AM hyper-aware of is that I used to drown my blues in food.  Maybe that's exactly why I'm hyper-aware! lol  Without the food to keep me occupied I'm noticing my mood.  Well, I've always noticed my moods - what is different is that I'm noticing that I'm not running to food as a way to obliterate it (and I didn't really notice that part of the equation before!).  Normally by now I would have made a trip to the vending machine, which in turn would have made the rest of the day totally downhill - probably stopping for Chinese food on the way home, with or without the doughnut or burger & fries appetizer.  How many times just this past week was I aware of the deep feeling to bolt whatever it was I was doing and head for food?  A lot!

I found that this morning I was just overwhelmed with how much I have to do in the house.  I always say that I wish I could clean my house as if I was moving.  And, not the type of move where you throw the contents of the junk drawer into a box to be dealt with at the new house.  The type of move like when we had to close my mother's apartment and I realized that it really was not necessary to keep a jar of thumbtacks for a non-existent cork bulletin board, or a box of cards with mismatched envelopes. 

So today after lunch, instead of topping it off with something that I neither needed, nor really wanted, I sat and made a drawer by drawer, cabinet by cabinet and closet by closet list of every single nook and cranny that I wanted to clean in the upstairs of the house.  (I'll deal with the basement later.)

What I realized is that it doesn't have to all be done at once (which is where the overwhelm comes in).  Instead I can tackle one drawer a day, or a closet over a weekend.  It made me think about why Intuitive Eating and dieting can seem so overwhelming.  We all want to lose the weight NOW, or even better... YESTERDAY.  The saying that it didn't come on all at once you're not going to lose it all at once, is very true.  But with dieting you are mainly just looking at those results.  With IE it is so much deeper than that.  It's making small progress with all 10 principles, but mostly making progress with no longer feeling the need to bolt (in the direction of food or other avoidance behavior) when there is an unpleasant activity or emotion that pops up or is looming in the future.  It's also the acknowledgment that it is not black and white, but very much rainbow.

Just today by not taking my walk I had that lesson.  I was almost on the verge of beating myself up for not walking, but then, first of all, decided to be kind to myself and realized that the decision not to walk was best for my body today.  Second, I thought back how, with black and white thinking, I would use today's missed walk as an excuse to say the heck with it, and not walk again until maybe Monday, and certainly use it as an excuse to eat randomly.  Really - if I missed a day of a cleaning project would I go to the cabinets and drawers I had already cleaned and just empty everything out on to the floor? 

Each and every day is a lesson with IE - so much more than just sticking to an "eat this not that" type of list.  It's harder than a diet.  There are bleak days I am hanging on by my fingernails.  But then there are days I am able to just hang in the sunlight with all four paws, so I can take a day like this every once in a while - as long as I use it as a lesson and not as an excuse.

What do YOU do when you are hanging on like that little kitten above?

Miriam

Just loving my Garmin Forerunner 10 GPS monitor.  It has opened a whole new (old) world to me.  OLD because I used to power walk 5 miles a day, which dwindled to nothing.  Then after some hopeful - but unsuccessful - attempts after my knee surgery I finally gave up.  This now enables me to take short "meaningful" walks while providing excellent feedback and motivation.  I use the word meaningful because it was important to me to know my distance and even the best pedometers were crappy - so I was limited to walking routes that I could clock with the car.  Now I can walk wherever my nose takes me, and I can accurately measure the distance - but it's so much more than that - it records pace, which I love because I can see if I can beat my personal best.  It also records a ton of other stuff (elevation, fastest pace within the time, elapsed time, moving time, etc.).  I can also pause it as needed.  I also love that I upload the information and the GPS writes out a map of your route.  I print it out everyday and make notations to myself.  LOVE IT!

So what's the connection to Intuitive Eating?  I picked up a card from the "Association for Size Diversity and Health" that was in my counselor's office, and one of statements of the organization's goals is "Promoting individually appropriate, enjoyable, life-enhancing physical activity, rather than exercise that is focused on a goal of weight loss."  If you remember back about a year I jumped (literally) into swimming but finally gave that up because the pool hours were very inconvenient and an hour of swimming required 2 hours out of the office (showering, changing, driving back to the office, etc.).  So I had to find something convenient that I could fit into my day.  I knew it would be walking but I just was not successful after my surgery.

Somehow this Garmin has made it all possible. By being able to clock the route I can commit to a mile walk every single day (it usually comes out to a bit more actually).  I came back from my walk today feeling, for the first time, like my old self.  AND, when I am in the zone with activity I find that eating choices become so much easier.  It's as if my body COMMANDS me to eat well and healthily.  Eating well and exercising go hand-in-hand for me.  Always has.  And after having lost that mojo for so many years, it is SO nice to have it back.

Miriam

Quiet time

I had a very interesting session yesterday, covering so many things that I was exhausted after 45 minutes when usually I want to go for a second hour!

I talked about my recent yearning and craving for quiet time.  I've been driving home from work at night swearing that I will set my alarm to get up just a little bit early and go to my beautiful quiet office - where I have purchased a "nursing" glider just for me (at one point I had purchased a comfy recliner just for me but it was reassigned to the living room).  But every morning I sleep late and dash out of the house, coffee in hand.  However, after yesterday's session, I did get up early this morning, and just sat quietly with my coffee in my beautiful personal room.  The feeling was so exquisite I actually started crying.  I read the second-day declaration from Joel Osteen's book "I Declare" and it was so nice to read it aloud and have the quiet and serenity to pay attention.

When I was in my office I looked around and realized that I have things from two of my aunts and my mother in there, and I just wrote a fourth sister to ask her if she would like to give me something of hers to complete the energy.  I also have a lovely portrait of my grandmother from when she was 16, done sometime in the 1800's that I will also hang in there to complete the energy of the Finkle women.  Anyway - it was a lovely way to start the day and not something that I will be apt to miss from hereon.

When I began talking about my yearning for quiet time and about how if I could just have a drop in cortisol levels then I would probably lose weight, my counselor talked to me about the autonomic nervous system (ANS).  From the way I live my life, my "fight or flight" branch of the ANS is in strong working order, but not so much the "rest and digest" branch, and that's what I am going to work on.  Finding some quiet time for myself is going to be a priority right now.  The wedding is over, my mother is not in any sort of crisis situation, my son is doing well, and, all in all, life is good.  No need to fight or flight it.

But how this all began is that I was telling her that I had a very strange episode on Monday night.  I was experiencing..... NOTHING!!!!!!  I sat quiet for a few minutes in the evening, and realized that I wasn't hungry and I wasn't full.  I was absolutely in the middle- not even a little bit to the right or left of middle.  I told her it was almost scary.  It is at that quiet moment that I usually jump up and eat and do my most destruction with nighttime eating.  It is always after dinner when I am NOT hungry at all.  Things are quiet.  I'm not necessarily even bored or lonely or stressed from the day.  I'm NOTHING....  With my overdeveloped "fight or flight" energy I always feel I have to be doing something, feeling something, EATING something.  It's uncomfortable to NOT be uncomfortable. LOL!

So she asked me to explore the tension between the fear of the quiet and the craving of the quiet.  That middle point of NOTHINGNESS, where I am torn between wanting to jump up and eat because I am afraid of the quiet and wanting to just sit with it and let it envelop me.  I am hoping that my morning exercise of sitting quietly in my special room will help me overcome the fear of quiet.  I believe that once I reach that point I can also defeat my need to be always eating and always on the go.

Have you had your quiet time today?
Miriam

Faith in the blossom...

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."  (Anais Nin)  I saw this as a window into the fear involved in going totally "IE" and I posted as such on the Intuitive Eating website.  A very wise member answered me this way:

"A blossom is a prelude to a fruit which grows into a new tree with more blossoms! What is to fear of a blossom 'dropping'?!? Its all a part of the lovely cycles of nature. Why deny yourself of that experience and joy?

And until you fully 'embrace' IE as you seem to have WW, how can you compare these? It seems to me that you may be ascribing 'limits' with control which may feel safe or comfortable (a known?) for you? I have come to realize that IE IS and always has been my true grounded and 'comfort' spot. Happy to read that you are coming to peace with this (IE) too. I sure found it to be peaceful for me."

I also realized that fear and faith cannot co-exist.  I think that is one of the things that is hardest about IE.  That leap of faith.  Faith that you can tune into your body's signals.  Faith that once you eat according to the ebb and flow of your needs your weight will return to a natural and healthy state.  Faith that your body will know what it wants and in what quantity it wants it.  Faith that you do not need diet programs or scales or points or calories or grams.  Faith that there are no good foods or bad foods, but that your own body will know what not to eat if it has allergies or problems.

My blossom is having faith that whatever follows "I am" will find me.  I am an intuitive eater.  I am able.  I am beautiful.  I am more than a number on the scale.  I am making progress with all the IE work that I am doing - on my own, with my counselor, with the help of my friends who also respect my decision to do IE instead of a diet,  and with my supporters at my IE community.

Is it Spring yet?

Miriam 

Diet Scare

So yesterday (Sunday) is my usual cooking day.  I made no-noodle lasagna (which came out sort of like eggplant Parmesan - which is fine by me; barley skillet casserole; sausage breakfast casserole; pumpkin pie; then everything for dinner: roast chicken, couscous pilaf, cranberry orange relish, and brussels sprouts with shallots and bacon.  (ALL WW and Emily Bites recipes, by the way!!)  Okay I'm cool.  I don't need to eat it all at once - it's for the whole week.

What I did do was have a slice of the lasagna.  OMG --- TOO yummy.  I had a second piece.  Enter: THE DIET MENTALITY.  In my mind I know each slice is 9 points (even though I didn't write it down!) and when I had the two slices I am thinking - OMG 18 points - that's more than half my allowance for the day.  If I stopped with the thought I wouldn't be having this conversation.  IHowever, IMMEDIATELY my mind went to the "black and white I've blown it" version of how I've lived the past 50 year of my life, and I started to think of everything else I could possibly eat. Then I called up my WW tracking site again and started to write things down. Ditched that.  Started to look up Core-type programs figuring out if I could get away with calling the lasagna "Core" thereby giving myself after-the-fact permission for eating it.  I could see myself being sucked into the bottomless vortex of diet mentality.  I left the house and pursued my other addiction - shopping.

I ate WAY too much at dinner (not way too much because of points values, but way too much because I was full and kept eating -- after all, I had already blown the day).  THEN scouted out chocolate candy once I was in bed for the night.  This was all triggered, of course, not by the lasagna but going back further into the day - by getting on the scale and seeing a gain. (Sorry for the graphic - but I should have weighed myself again AFTER going to the bathroom - lol.)   I should have just gotten back in bed at that first point and have stayed with covers over my head for the rest of the day.

So after contemplating that this IE experience is so new it still takes so little to catapult me into diet mentality, I decided to make this a fresh day.  As I went to finish my second cup of coffee, I realized I didn't want it but was only drinking it because I had already measured out (and "counted") the cream.  WHAT AM I DOING?  I threw it out.  Then I was a little hungry (I had eaten so much yesterday I wasn't starving at my usual 6AM) but instead of eating at that moment, I realized that what I really wanted was the breakfast casserole that I had assembled yesterday and "soaked" overnight.  So I put it in the oven and patiently waited.  I had the most yummy slice (without that second cup of coffee) for breakfast.  THEN I faced that lasagna again later for lunch.  But this time I did it in a SMART way.  I had a salad first.  Then steamed asparagus to have on the side.  AND put it all on my favorite plates, that I have reserved for company (I think I will use them more often - just for me!).  It was a perfect portion -- same as yesterday, but today I wasn't blinded by the sparkle of DM (diet mentality).  

I was watching Oprah's Lifeclass last night and my favorite person (Joel Osteen) was on it - they were talking about this:  "Whatever follows 'I am' will find you."  So today instead of the usual "I am's" I am going to say today:  I am smart.  I am able to understand and incorporate IE into my life.  I am able to pick myself up after falling into the DM vortex.  I am able to be patient with myself.  I AM STRONG.

Miriam

Finally understanding Intuitive Eating

         So this was my latest project (below).  I am working on finding myself with Intuitive Eating.  I've been working with a counselor since before my trip to Italy, but I could not bring myself to agree to that which is the foundation of all Intuitive Eating:  Principle #1: REJECT THE DIET MENTALITY.  My desire to reject the diet mentality dates back to many many blog entries ago when I said that I knew in my heart that I should be able to trust myself after all these years, but after years and years of dieting (my mother dropped me off at a Weight Watchers meeting in 1969!) I could not shake the core belief that I must follow a prescribed diet in order to lose weight.  Moving into Intuitive Eating is an entire paradigm shift which I was not ready for.  I did a lot of hard work trying to figure out how to let Weight Watchers go.  I wrote page after page of pros and cons of each; I wrote a long LONG letter to "Dear Diet" - in which the diet was able to answer me back as long as I got the last word; and I worked on the venn diagram below. I think that I've found the path to meld what I've learned all these years through Weight Watchers tools, while at the same time letting  go of the diet mentality to start the journey of Intuitive Eating.

         I think that most people (myself included) have misunderstood Intuitive Eating to mean: Eat whatever you want, whenever you want, until you are satisfied.  That is a recipe for gaining weight and learning nothing. What I have found in my work on Intuitive Eating since July is that I need to stop and think about what would really really satisfy me, make sure I am hungry - but do wait if it is only an urge or a craving, make sure that I am feeding physical hunger, and learn the cues for what "being satisfied" means.  It also means really tuning into my body signals to figure out that tipping point where it's too much, or not really the food that my body wants.  The more I tune into those signals the more I can make decisions.  If I eat a HUGE salad with some protein and a wonderful dressing I feel GREAT!  If I eat even a medium portion of lasagna I tend to fill immediately and feel uncomfortable afterwards.  These are signals that I never listened to before.  So even though I want lasagna and can eat it if I want I also have to respect my body and have just a little piece (even if in points-speak I have 15 points to "spend") and absolutely stop before I am satisfied/full because I know from experience I will not feel well later.  So IE really isn't a free-for-all.  You still have to respect certain things about how, why, when and how much you eat.

          I've also done a lot of hard work on the relationship between emotions and eating.  A diet will teach you to reach for "non-damaging" foods when you have an emotion you need to stuff down.  How many carrots and celery and heads of lettuce (and in really desperate times how much candy and chips) have I eaten instead of sitting quietly with the emotion, identifying what it is, and either letting it pass or thinking it through, maybe reframing how you feel about it or finding solutions for it?  IE isn't about eating a bag of baby carrots because you need the crunch to work out the anxiety or anger or nervousness. It's about sitting with those emotions and riding them through WITHOUT food.  IE is hard hard work.  Much easier to bowl through a bag of carrots (if you are out of points) or chips (if you have plenty of points).  I'm not saying that diets encourage you to eat your emotions, but they are less instrumental in having you work with them and more instrumental in helping you find ways to find less "damaging" foods. 

        Anyway, from here on this blog is going to take an Intuitive Eating twist.  I really feel that this is the way "normal" people do it.  And, as I am now in my 60th decade, I think it's time to learn what it is to be "normal" and stop the diet madness.