Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. ~Rumi

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. ~Rumi

I thought I knew it ALL about what to eat for good health.  I was the cleverest of the clever! But I am learning so much from reading about auto-immune diseases that spills out into all areas of health and well-being.

I had my liver last night - oh my gosh ... it was SO good.  Wait? Did *I* say that? LOL  And on the way home I stopped at a health food store that sells Julian bread products and picked up the Paleo wraps and two loaves of the Paleo bread - one coconut flour and one almond flour.  After all, I needed to spread my chopped liver on something!  Jury is out on the bread.  I will toast up a slice of each and have it with some butter and then I'll give you my opinion.  But the original purpose was served well - a vehicle for my liver! LOL  I can do without bread in general, so I don't want to start up the habit of having it when normally I would not, but it is nice to have an option.  After seeing the prices for the wraps and the bread I might reconsider making my own (of both).   

So I came home today after spending 3 hours at the beauty salon.  I had packed and eaten lunch on my way there so I was all set.  When I got out I was hungry and couldn't wait to get home to have some soup ... which I did.  I'm full.  I'm sad.
Why? I look gorgeous - that's not the reason ;)

I just realized that - in line with my blog on acceptance - I am dealing with the fact that I don't have my usual familiar behavior to make me comfortable.  First of all, I was VERY aware that I did not go from the salon to one of the malls to spend money I don't have on things I don't need.  That particular behavior I have been working on for YEARS, and I no longer get the mindless exhilaration that I used to get from mindless shopping.  Mindless eating had taken over.  But now I do not have mindless eating.  And I feel I have been left with nothing.  Except sadness.   I am learning to accept this.

I also have been thinking for quite some time - but most recently this morning - that I do not need to eat the quantity of food that I am used to.  What does this mean?  I also don't need to cook the quantity of food that I used to.  I don't have a big enough freezer to put away all the portions I would have to put away if I kept cooking at the rate and quantity that I had been doing up until recently.  I made my shopping list for next week then crossed out all but the ingredients needed for one meal, and ketchup.  That sort of made me sad.  For those of you who know me you know I love to cook - and a lot at one time.  That is out of my life now.  I must accept.

It seems I am losing too much without having seen the gain from it yet (good health).  It is hard to function on blind faith.  But I have to keep remembering:  Faith, Acceptance, and, as above, the joy of bewilderment. 

Please pray for me that I do not turn to food in my state of melancholy and sadness.  Pray that I find something to fill the emptiness.  Pray that acceptance becomes easier.

Miriam

 

Acceptance

Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.
- Joanne Kathleen

 I have been struggling a lot with acceptance lately.  Part of it has been the acceptance that I cannot have sugar in my life and have the life that I want.  (Not necessarily because of any intrinsic awfulness with sugar - but I get crazed when I eat it especially in combination with white flour - as in cookies, cakes, pastries, etc.) I cannot eat the way I used to (either in quantity or food choices) and have health.  I am working through the various stages of grief as I have been giving up these things, but that is not the acceptance that I am talking about here in this post.  

I am talking about an acceptance of physical limitations.  This morning I had an appointment with the osteopath and Visions Health Care and in our (more-than-an-hour) appointment the final wind-up was that she said to me that she will never be an NFL football player, but she loves football and loves to play with her kids.  Her point was that I might never walk 5 miles a day again, especially at the speed I used to do it.  But that does not mean that I have to give up walking 1 mile a day at a slow speed.  What I got from the conversation is that because I have not come to a point of acceptance with my limitations (as they are now) that I have thrown out the baby with the bath water, so to speak, and have reached a point where I have all but given up on everything.  I even hurt myself when I took a yoga class!  

My plan of action right now is to go ahead with the spine injections that my other osteopath encouraged me to get.  She said that all tests show that my nerve endings are very tender and inflamed, and that I cannot get any quality work done (exercise or PT) until the inflammation goes down.  Then I must also have a course of PT working on core exercises.  Once I am stronger and the nerves have quieted down then she can work on manipulation that will, as she said, "put everything back where it belongs."
But if she does that manipulation now it won't stick.

So I have my PT evaluation scheduled for next week, and am waiting to hear back from the spine clinic for an appointment with that doctor.

The other element of acceptance - and which I think is absolutely the hardest for me - is that I have to to WORK at this.  That means when PT ends, my exercising does NOT.  I have never followed through with an exercise or physical therapy program in my life.  I am surprised that I became such an accomplished dancer - I must have been able to follow through on some physical activity at some point in my life! Believe me, I have had intentions of doing things - my library of exercise DVDs, exercise ball, trampoline, elliptical, treadmill and exercise bikes (yes I said BIKES - both standard and recumbent) attest to that.  But intention is not acceptance that I ACTUALLY have to do the work.  I suppose that is what I miss most about walking - my own two feet and nothing else shaped me up.  While I have to accept that those days may be over, other days are not...

Anyway - I am on my way this afternoon to get Paleo wraps.  I actually did make chopped liver (this morning - 7:30 AM frying liver and onions so I would have it chilled for tonight) and hope that maybe it will go nicely in these wraps.  If where I am going also has the Paleo coconut bread I will get that as well and toast a couple of slices (only 35 calories a slice) because the chopped liver will taste better on that.  

OMG - liver and exercise... what's happening to me?????

Miriam

Learning to move from disease to ease

Yesterday I spoke of stepping stones and using your mistakes to lift you to higher ground.  When I read this quote yesterday, it brought the same feelings.  I know my issues are a mix of genetics, environment, lifestyle (including foods, exercise, sleep, etc.) but I have been moving away from feeling it is ALL my fault.  Why does another person, larger than I am, who gorges on transfats and doesn't eat a lick of vegetables have no issues at all with heart disease or diabetes or auto-immune function?  I am not quite comfortable in the mantra "It's not your fault, it's not your fault" because deep down I feel it is - however, I am learning more about genetics and predispositions to various diseases.  Yes, I might have genetic markers that predispose me to certain illnesses (and so it is not my fault) and I was raised in a lifestyle of pastries, fat-laden and calorie-laden foods (again, not my fault) and I was raised to turn to food in times of distress because as a little child that is all that I knew to soothe me (again, not my fault).  

If, after all I know now, I continue to have bad habits then the continuation of my illnesses is my fault. So, my friends, the buck stops here.  I am not blaming anyone - as Maya Angelou says, "When you know better you do better" - my parents raised me with love which equals fried latkes, strudel, challah, for example.  And I raised my children with love which meant the latest flavor of Hamburger Helper and Entemann's cupcakes - a different frosting for every holiday.  I don't blame my parents, and the time has come to not blame myself.  Now I know better and I will do better. 

In the book I am reading, The Paleo Approach: Reverse Autoimmune Disease and Heal your Body by Sarah Ballantyne,  the author relates how "Six different doctors, in five different cities, over eight years, and not one of them mentioned that my disease was autoimmune in nature."  Do we blame the doctors? Maybe yes, maybe no.  But I am not wasting my time with blame and resentment.  Valuable time was wasted, but I can start now to reverse this and heal myself. When I was told I have Hashimoto's Disease the doctor said "Oh well, we'll watch it and when your thyroid starts reacting to it we will put you on medication."  The fact that inflammation was never mentioned for any of my heart-related problems makes me angry - my very life could have depended upon this information. Never mind my arthritis.  When another doctor looked at an MRI of my back and announced "Well, Miriam, your middle name should be Arthritis" why didn't he instead say, "Well, Miriam, your middle name should be Inflammation" and start me at least 2 years earlier on a path that would reduce it?  

I can be angry and stew or I can look at it and repeat a popular Buddhist saying: When the student is ready the teacher will appear.  Maybe I wouldn't have been ready anyway even if all the doctors did tell me this years ago.  Who is to say?  Actually I did hear of Paleo years ago and maybe I just wasn't ready.  (But I stick to my story that NONE of the conventional doctors EVER said anything to me - not just that I did not hear it!)  

Anyway - to truly follow the lifestyle I must eat organ meats.  I can live with chopped liver and am going to pick up a pound of chicken liver from pasture-raised organic chickens on the way home today.  Poor chickens.  A topic for another day, but I do agree with the various traditions of saying a prayer over the slaughtered animals.  I have never said grace over a meal but I have started to do that. Not so much a generic "Thank you for the food we are about to receive" but to give thanks to the animals in my personal food chain...

Miriam

Stepping Stones

Well after a short hiatus from this blog it is time to return.  I had a "good time" at DWLZ joining a group in January doing the Whole 30, sharing recipes and experiences, but I am ready to return here.

The past two years have all been in preparation for where I find myself at this very minute.  I am not going to beat myself up that I did not arrive here sooner - I wasn't ready.  And besides, I had to learn about everything else: from the inner deepest depths of my evolution out of childhood issues to learning about Paleo, Primal, and anti-inflammatory eating.

I have become a patient at a new medical practice, Visions Health Care,  and am working with doctors who practice functional medicine.  I was first introduced to functional medicine about a year ago, and that slowly led me on the path to where I am now.

I have been sugar-free and gluten-free since last May and November, respectively.  And now that my doctor has run dozens and dozens of blood tests (only a few which I have seen so far - they are still coming in, and many I will get at my follow-up appointments in April) I am ready to cut many more things out of my diet. The initial test results show that I have a very high level of inflammation in my body (which accounts not just for the usual arthritis issues, but also has been linked to heart disease - something for which I am not immune) and am going to start to take steps toward reversing that.

I also had a food sensitivity panel done (which will not be available until April) but given the level of inflammation in my body, it is a safe bet to say that there will be many culprits on the list.  Visions Health Care is a very strong proponent of gluten-free eating, as they have seen many diseases and conditions that stem from eating wheat.  I am so grateful that I have already eliminated any sources of gluten from my diet so that is one less hurdle for me. 

But eating gluten-free is only one of all the puzzle pieces that I have to put together to reduce the inflammation in my body.  There are SO many other things that I have to learn and practice and DO. It isn't one food group to eat or to avoid.  It isn't one supplement that will take care of everything.  It isn't one of anything that is going to reverse this.  But I am so grateful that I have an open mind and a willing spirit to find out what needs to be done, then do it.  

I absolutely refuse to give into the pain and the fatigue and the looming threat of illnesses.  I refuse to live my life with a cabinet full of pharmaceuticals.  I refuse to stay with a conventional medical practice that has the "oh well" or "wait and see" attitude.  

I also refuse to be scared to try new things and to be obstinate about new ways of eating.  I will do what I have to do.  

I choose health. I choose to do it the way it is prescribed for me, knowing that it is not everyone's path, but it is mine.  

Miriam

blogging in 2014

Hi - just to let you all know that I will be blogging over at DWLZ.com in the journals section for a while.  Can't be both places at once (well I can but then I get overwhelmed and don't journal anywhere), so chose DWLZ for a while because there are many people I have known for years who offer wonderful daily support.  I want to take advantage of that this year!

Happy New Year everyone!
Miriam

The beauty of easing into things

Like the proverbial putting frogs into cold water then turning up the heat - they never notice that they are boiling! LOL  That just came to mind as I was reflecting on Day 2 of the "21-day transformation challenge" from Mark Sisson's book (based on the Primal Solution).  Day 1 was doing a purge of grains, fake foods, sugared items, etc.  DONE!   Day 2 (today) is a shopping spree to restock the kitchen: DONE!  Etc.  As I am reading all the food tasks I find that I am already there, and can concentrate on the other two essential parts of the program: exercise and relaxation techniques.    Food is only part of the changes to be made.

This morning I did the recumbent bike for 10 minutes.  I figured that even *I* could manage that.  At the end of 10 minutes I would have been comfortable doing more (that is the point) but was already one foot out the door to get to work.  I will do another 10 minutes tonight.  Also, because I am at work today, I will do the four flights down and up.  After the new year I would like to increase both activities.  Also, yesterday, I parked at one place and walked to the other (Flo if you are reading this: I parked at Walgreen's and walked to Trader Joe's).  I am also making an effort not to use handicap parking, and to park further away from my destination.  There will be days that I just cannot do this (or if I do, I will have to use my cane or lean on a shopping cart) but on the good days I will go for it!  It is nice to have the placard for bad days but I will try not to use it as a matter of regular parking.  Baby steps... literally!

On the cooking front I tried several new recipes since last posting.  I made a "pizza" frittata - OMG out of this world - I am making another one tonight.  It starts with a homemade pizza sauce.  That is added to a dozen eggs, along with a bit of Parmesan and mozzarella cheeses.  Then split: Canadian bacon, pepperoni, onions, mushrooms and peppers - mix half of those in with the eggs and let it set in the pan, then move the pan to the oven.  After 10 minutes top with the other half of the mixture and top with a touch of mozzarella and bake another 10 minutes.  I got the Canadian bacon and pepperoni from Whole Foods, so it was all processed from healthy sources and with minimal ingredients. 

Then last night I made a center-cut pork loin (my first time!) rubbed with garam masala and salt - browned in a cast iron pan, then pan and all put to roast in the oven.  It was topped with an Asian pear chutney made with, of course, Asian pears (lol), onions, raisins, and a mixture of spices.  Because it was my first time making a pork loin I didn't know that I either needed a meat thermometer or could have put it in the crock pot.  It was fine for me but my husband thought it was a little dry.  Oh - and after the pork comes out of the oven you let it "rest" 20 minutes while you put sliced carrots back in the pan in the oven to roast. 

I have to say that it was the most expensive piece of meat I have ever bought (it was over $25) but when I look at what I am spending to buy top quality, I weigh that against the fact that I have not been buying ANY junk food (even "innocent" things like taco chips) or diet soda, and I have not done take-out in over two months.  I think my savings is FAR more than my expenses of shopping the way I am.  Or, at the very least, it evens out.  But in terms of evening out, the pizza frittata even with the Whole Foods pepperoni and Canadian bacon and cage-free eggs,  came to less than $2 per serving - and it was a main course!  So if I spend $30 on one dinner and $10 on another, to feed the whole family (with PLENTY of leftovers) I say, not a bad deal. 

In defense, also, of shopping at a place like Whole Foods: I have been shopping according to my shopping list.  Plenty of times I go in and things are so deeply discounted (meats, poultry AND fish) that if I were shopping "on a whim" I probably would spend less than at a conventional grocery store.  They have monthly "madness" sales (which just used to be "March Madness" but now they are year-round) along with circulars, so now that I shop there more often I will plan out according to sales.  You also can't beat the bulk sales there, along with the very inexpensive local produce they carry in season.  I suppose a lot of the discounted shopping depends upon when you hit the market, but now that I go there for my primary shopping, I can pay more attention to the sales.

Not that I have to defend shopping at Whole Foods, but I feel the need to explain myself!  It doesn't HAVE to be "Whole Paycheck" as people joke about.  Yes they have plenty of junk there (organic marshmallows are just as junky as conventional marshmallows) but if you are shopping the fresh foods there, I would name the store "Whole Health" more than I would name it "Whole Paycheck." 

Anyway!  Off to make sure I have what I need for some Christmas goodies (all Primal/Paleo) I am making!

Have a wonderful holiday, anyone celebrating the day!

Miriam

Trying not to succumb to diet mentality

First of all, let me say, that there is nothing inherently wrong with diet mentality if it makes you aware of what you are eating and helps you to make smarter choices.  The problem arises (as it does with me) when it becomes the overwhelming dictator of one's life.  And one is either good or bad depending upon whether one has followed or not followed the diet du jour.  My life has been painfully defined by my dieting attempts and I have nothing to show for it but a whacked-out metabolism and a somewhat faulty self-image.  Oh, and I'm fatter than I ever have been. 

So with that, I have been quite relieved to enter the world of no weighing/measuring/food journaling through the new way I have been eating.  However, all of a sudden I got such a strong urge to fit my new eating into conventional dieting tools.  I went to My Fitness Pal and logged my food for today - which - even including a treat in the evening - is still way below my calorie total for the day (I am sure that will be filled in, no problem!).  I even put in two recipes that I am having today and tomorrow - one is for a cookie, which comes to about 100 calories even with all its deliciousness! - and the other is for a stew using 2 1/2 pounds of beef, which, that alone, is close to 2000 calories (but per serving is less than 300). 

I guess this confirmed two things for me: I absolutely CAN trust myself to make good meal choices; and cutting out processed-type starches really does allow tons of other real food so there is no need to be hungry or worry that I will consume thousands and thousands of  calories.

However, I did learn something interesting this weekend.  As I mentioned in an earlier blog I worked very hard this Summer and Fall to break free from emotional eating and to break my addiction-like tendencies towards sugar and a myriad of processed foods (bread, potato chips, you all know what they are!).  But yesterday I made the most YUMMY gluten-free banana bread.  The entire recipe used just 3 TBS of honey and very little coconut and almond flour - just to hold it together.  OH MY...  I realized that my craziness extends not just to the ingredients that an item might have, but to the IDEA of a food.  I had just one small piece of the banana bread and I wanted it ALL - immediately.  Of course I didn't, but I did have more than the one initial piece.  I realized that something doesn't need white flour and a ton of sugar to get me going... just the IDEA of a sweet is enough to get me going!  So although calorie-wise, the banana bread really won't do much damage (well one piece of it anyway), I am not going to have any more while it is in the house. 

I think that breaking free from emotional eating is not coming to a place where nothing will ever set you off again.  I think that it is that you now have awareness of what will set you off, and you can plan accordingly.  It is the mindfulness that sets you free, not that nothing will ever trigger you again.

Miriam
p.s. What about that cookie, you ask?  More on that later! :)