One Year Anniversary

Had my check-up yesterday. Doctor is extremely pleased with my range of motion and all else doing with recovery. Next check-up: Two years. I told him that I am considering doing the other knee next summer- he said if I can wait that long... so the x-rays must have shown up some serious bone-on-bone business. I told him about all the walking I will be doing in Italy and it turns out his mother is Sicilian (with a name like Donald Reilly who knew?) so he/we spent about 1/2 hour on the internet looking the wedding site and he showed me how to use Google satellite to get right down on the ground of a location (who knew?) and we looked at street views of the areas we will be visiting. It was so nice that a doctor would take a personal interest like that.

Anyway - I thought you would find this interesting: I told him the two things that still have me "stymied" is that 1) when I get up from a chair I cannot just start walking - I have to sort of orient myself and 2) although I have started practicing going downstairs without a railing, I am scared every time I am at the top step looking down. There is actually a word for that: propriaceptive sense - the sensors in my knee were cut which signal to my brain the place in space where my knee is. He demonstrated by putting his arms up over and behind his head then hooking his two index fingers together. He said the reason we can do this is that internal sensory awareness - and I no longer have that in my knee. He said I will get more confident in moving, but that the nerves are permanently cut and not to think that it's something that's wrong - it is just something that, if I don't let it get in my way, I eventually may overcome. Interesting! I will also have numbness alongside the outside of my leg/knee.. forever - but that I can deal with - it's just a weird feeling when I shave my leg or go to scratch an itch.

I told him that the year's recovery is not that everything will be back to normal, but that it takes a year to come to terms with things being the way they are... he totally agreed. He said hips are different - in a year you would never know you have a replacement, but knees have a niggling awareness forever. I'm not sorry though it's a small trade for a world of pain being gone.  I said it's similar to childbirth - there would be far many more only children in this world if women actually remembered everything they went through.  He laughed and said it is exactly that!


Anyway - I am going to take a break from blog-writing for now.  Anyone visiting this blog to get insight on early recovery, please go back to my 2011 blogs - they are very informative and will let you know what to expect in your early recovery - I will check back in at various points - especially after the wedding, and as I hit other recovery markers.  And, of course, I'll let you know if I ever get the other knee done!


Take care.
Miriam

Addendum to "Anxiety Girl"

I realized something yesterday.  I think my bout with really severe anxiety is because I am not medicating myself with food as of late.  On the way home from work the other day, I was thinking how I wished I smoked (tobacco OR other) or how I could use a drink (but I really am not a drinker, plus I can’t because of medication).  Then I thought of how a piece of cheesecake would soothe me.  Then I realized that maybe there is nothing in my life that is “worse” than usual, but that because I am not drugging myself with food, my anxiety symptoms are coming to the surface in spades.  Some of it is that I used to eat myself into a “stupor” – taking my mind off everything else.  Or, I would be beating myself up for doing so, so I couldn’t think of other things – or that I deserved whatever happened to me and just accept my fate (rather than fight the things causing the anxiety).  I’m almost shaking because of the anxiety – nothing a chocolate bar wouldn’t soothe….  But alas, I will just have to sit quietly and stay in the present – since anxiety is nothing more than thinking about things in the future (that probably won’t happen anyway). And that present has to be sans cheesecake, chocolate, or anything else of that ilk….

I haven't been posting, not because anything is "wrong" with my diet, my knee, or my life - I just was so consumed by anxiety lately that I just couldn't accomplish anything outside my day-to-day "chores."  I woke up today, finally fairly anxiety-free (after a wonderful gab session with some girlfriends), only to be faced with the news that there was a very severe earthquake in Northern Italy, just a very short distance from where the wedding will be.  Since there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it, it's a good lesson in letting something go that I have no control over.  The wedding is several months away, and I don't think anyone is flying into Bologna (which was close to the center), so I know everything will carry on as planned and be just as lovely and beautiful as it would have been without a recent earthquake.  

I had a good heart-to-heart talk with three friends yesterday about my anxiety (my body is actually "buzzing" most of the time) and we came up with some solutions (and it happened to be the perfect group of ladies for this because they all are, or have been, in my place) - but one activity that I like the best is to make a list of  all the things I am anxious about.  Face them, acknowledge them, then give them a designated time during the day to sit down and worry about them.  If something else comes up in my day that sets my body abuzz, I should add that to the list.  Then, let's say, at 3:30 I take out the list, look it over, and worry as much as I want to about it.  The other 23 1/2 hours of the day, look at another list: all the GOOD things about my life and my day, in particular.  It will help keep me in the moment and to direct my mind to the good things. 

 Anyway, I was going through the anxiety list and one of my friends asked - "Do you have a big birthday coming up?"  And WHAM - I started crying.  "Yes," I answered, "I will be 60 the week after the wedding."  I hadn't even realized that was bothering me so much.  I mean I am well aware that it bothers me, but I didn't realize how close it was to the surface of all that is bothering me.  YIKES.

But meanwhile, I will not medicate with food. 

I have my one-year anniversary of my knee replacement coming up this week.  As a matter of fact, I have my appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday (at which point I am going to ask him to take baseline ex-rays of the other knees, as I am contemplating surgery - maybe as soon as next summer).  I will report more on that later in the week.  I just had to get this anxiety problem off my chest ...

Miriam

Too many choices

I was looking for just the right thing to start out my blog today and this picture came to me via someone's post in Facebook.  On my way to work this morning I was thinking about how relaxed I was - no cares or worries.  But yet I have a niggling feeling - always - about anxiety.  Like something is always gnawing away at me.  Sometimes for no reason.  Not bad enough to seek professional help or take medication, but it's always there.  So I had to run my mind through my day and ask myself "What possibly could I find today to be anxious about."  Then I had to laugh.  Yesterday I bought two pocketbooks from TJMaxx and am picking up one today from Macy's that I had on hold.  And my moment of anxiety for today will be to figure out which of the three to keep. Minor enough - but I'm already anxious and worried.  

 I try to think back to a time when I was totally anxiety-free.  I just can't think of any.  Even as a child, it was not a happy time.  And I was a miserable teenager and as an adult, there hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought about dieting, my size, my clothes, my kids, money, etc. etc.  Then when I drive in on a day like this, and the sun is shining and my only foreseeable worry will be which pocketbook to keep, I wonder why I even have to have that be an issue.  Why can't I just BE?  

I have a relatively fantastic life. More money to pay bills and help my kids out would be fine.  But, taking that out of the equation, life is good.  Yet I always find something to worry about.  I know that worry won't change the outcome of anything, but I think of it as a basis of being prepared.  If you are prepared for the worst then you are prepared!  I don't know... I have to let that thinking go.

So back to the three pocketbooks.  I think it's a metaphor for how I deal with food too.  I don't like to have too many choices.  I actually get anxious trying to figure out what to have for my meals.  That's why I have practically the same exact thing every day for breakfast and usually for lunch.  Dinner I give myself some leeway, but when faced with many possibilities I get anxious and either want everything or nothing, just to remove myself from the situation.  Yet, the flip side of this is that I could never EVER follow a prescribed diet.  My mother always cut diets out of the newspaper and handed them to me - usually the ones where it was 1/2 cup cottage cheese and 1/2 grapefruit in the morning with black coffee, 2 slices of bread with one slice of chicken and one fruit for lunch, and one small piece of fish and a steamed vegetable and black coffee for dinner.  To this day I rebel at prescribed diets - which is why I always gloss over the "quick start" kinds of suggestions in the WW literature.  I LIKE being in control of what I eat, even if I have to battle choices and variety.  

I just don't understand why facing variety has to be anxiety-producing and not pleasurable.  It's the same reason why I can't decide what to order in a restaurant.  Or which dress to buy (I bought and returned no less than about 2 dozen dresses and shoes AND evening bags - in various combination - before settling on what I would wear at my daughter's wedding).  I guess that's why I am always in an anxiety-ridden state: I DO have choice in everything I do.  For me it's a double-edged sword, but I would rather that than live in a gray, prescribed world, eating gray, prescribed food. ...Which is why I don't use the same pocketbook every season or use gray grocery bags to haul my stuff around.  I LIKE having choices, even though honing in on ONE thing produces anxiety.  (No kidding - I will probably be hyperventilating as I lay out all my stuff that has to go into the pocketbook, then trying everything in each bag.) 

Anyway - I think this all plays into why I have to have dinner laid out on a plate when I get home.  Some of it is, yes, I'm hungry.  But really that's just an excuse to attack the refrigerator when I get home.  I think it's more that I can't make decisions so I eat EVERYTHING that is consumable.  That's easier than having to decide what to eat.  Hmm... I never thought about it like that before....

Miriam

Protect the Program

So last night I'm standing at the counter at 8PM running tons of vegetables through the food processor, at the stove at 9PM stirring soup, and back at the counter cooking whole wheat orzo so my husband can add it to his portions.

Why?

I decided I needed to protect my program at all costs.  We protect our children, our homes, our jobs, our marriages - why should our health garner any less consideration?  We don't get lazy and let the kids run in the street, or make stupid decisions so that we have 500 pairs of shoes but no money for a mortgage payment (well, maybe some of you do!), or come in late and mouth off to the boss...(although I did just poke one of my bosses in the chest and I think I broke his glasses that were in his pocket under his sweater...)  Even if things are unpleasant at any given time, we do what we have to do in order to protect the important things in our lives.  Sometimes it's not even hard!  Sometimes we don't even have to think about it or struggle!

So I had in the back of my mind that I wanted to make some soup because I've been very hungry lately (I think partly due to the eating I did this past weekend - sugar and flour wreak havoc on my blood sugar which, in turn, makes me very hungry until the cravings are out of my system).  I realized that successful weeks in the past have been greatly supported by zero-point vegetable soup.  I bought ingredients on the way home from work, but by the time I had dinner and was in my PJs I was already tired and so not in the mood to cook.  Then I said to myself: "I must protect my program at all costs."  That's all it took - I got up, went to the kitchen, and had soup simmering by 9PM - which was THOROUGHLY enjoyed today at lunch!

What else do I need to do to protect my program?  Granted I think it starts in the kitchen, but it's not all there - it's outdoors on a beautiful day or in the gym when it's not.  It's in the grocery store.  It's at the computer while hunting down new recipes or at the desk while compiling food plans and grocery lists.  It's at a friend's house or at a restaurant when we have to say "No thank you" to the bread or ask for a take-out container to take home half our meal.  It's in many places in many guises.  But for me, it started with soup.

Miriam

Demons: what I can have vs. what I want

THIS IS WHAT I CAN EAT FOR "FREE" 
but......................

THIS IS WHAT I WANT

This has been a very hard couple of days.  Thank goodness it's not a couple of hard weeks.  I wish, however, it had been only a hard couple of hours... or minutes... or thoughts....

We had company this weekend.  We pull out all the stops - great Lebanese cooking, desserts, appetizers, grilling (well we didn't grill this time because of the pouring rain but you can't begin to imagine the wonderful dinner I have in the oven), etc.  No reason WHATSOEVER that I can't eat all the deliciousness - but I have such a hard time with portion control.  Then the flood gates are open to everything else.  

Take cookies, for instance.  My friend wanted some cookies, so I got a "bucket" of oatmeal raisin cookies.  I ate 6 before I even got home with them.  Then, once I ate all those cookies, what did anything else matter?  So just now, when my friend said - take a cookie - one doesn't matter, I had to stop what I was doing immediately and explain: Eating a cookie opens me up to a downward spiral and I just can't do that to myself.  

I was so aware of this - not just as I was eating the cookies yesterday or thinking about them today - but when I was grocery shopping.  There are so many goodies out there.  Today I did my grocery shopping at Sudbury Farms (a lovely local grocery store, with everything from "regular" stuff to designer foods and a marvelous deli and bakery), Christmas Tree Shops, Whole Foods and Trader Joe's.  What an abundance of foods.  How much can a person eat?  I do realize that I can eat anything I want - but just not everything at once and in whatever portions I want.  There are so many tempting foods at our fingertips.  Daily.  In great quantity. In great variety.  Everything is special. Nothing is special.  Boxed. Frozen. Fresh. Canned. Bottled. Creamy. Crunchy. Cold. Hot. Smooth. Crumbly. 

It's so hard to be bombarded with everything and fall prey to nothing.  It's so easy to be derailed by a cookie. But let's not blame the cookie.  It's so easy to be derailed by one extra spoonful of a yummy dressing on a salad.  Why am I so susceptible?  If I knew why maybe that would be the key to a lot of my overeating.  I look at thin people in the supermarket sometimes.  And I just stand and wonder - how can they eat? What do they eat? What quantities do they eat? How do they stop and know that they've had enough? How can they eat one cookie?  How can they not take seconds or thirds or fourths?  I know each person may have demons of his/her own - and they fight even harder than I do (and that's why they are thin) or that they exercise it off or that they have eating disorders in the other direction.  But not everyone has a problem.  Some just are "natural" eaters - and stop when they've had enough and don't have to fight the demons day in and day out.

I know my demons and I am facing them as we speak.  Will I ever win?

Miriam

Doing the challenge vicariously

I realized that I've been off on my own challenge tangents for a while, but I have been reading Babs' blog which recently explored the "Fullness Scale" and Beth's blog, which recently explored "Savoring."

I have a problem with savoring.  Sometimes I can't wait to eat something that I've looked forward to, and as much as I want to slow it down I gobble it all up - quickly!  I tried the exercise with a very unlikely candidate - a gefilte fish loaf (don't say "yuck" - I would even order it at the finest restaurants - one of the best recipes I've ever made!).  One slice is enough for a small meal or an appetizer - two slices are absolutely filling.  (I came to this by doing the fullness scale exercises. I was surprised that so little was so filling!)

Since it's not something I am going to make too often (it is out of my way - and expensive - to get the gefilte fish needed for this particular recipe) and also it is SO special I don't want to tire of it, I am slowly working my way slowly through the loaf (two slices tonight for dinner finishes it).  I found that with this, even though I savored and ate it SO slowly and was full when I was done, I was so sad when it was finished.  Something tells me this is the wrong reaction.  I should have been delighted that I enjoyed a meal so much - and that it lasted so long.

Why is there such emotion involved with a meal?  Why can't I just eat, enjoy, and go on with my activities?  I don't want to eat just for fuel - what would be sad is to remove all pleasure from foods and eating.  That's not my goal.  My goal is to savor, realize that I really don't need more, and then just acknowledge that I enjoyed the meal.  And move on.

I actually was very "good" this week (I lost another pound!) but I want to be good without the struggle, and without all the importance that I place on food.  I've tried to break away a little bit by not obsessing so much with planning, shopping and cooking (within reason - I still believe strongly that "If you fail to plan you plan to fail" - so I'm not looking to get home and not have a clue what is for dinner... just saying I don't have to plan out seven days - 21 meals plus snacks - all in one day).

On the knee front - I took my first tumble last night.  I was trying (for the first time) to go up my outside steps with no railing "step-over-step" and tripped.  I had that split-second slow-motion experience when I could decide HOW I wanted to fall, so rather than fall on my knee, which I thought would shatter it, I fell to my side into the rose-bush.  Thorns, mulch and dirt aside, I was none the worse for wear.  LOL  It was like the first dent in a new car.  Once it happens and is over with, it's not so scary to think you'll have another scratch.

Was 90 degrees here yesterday... glad it cooled down though - not quite ready for summer!
Miriam

DUH!!!!!!!!!!

Just a funny story about how best of intentions....

I usually track on eTools, but thought I would try paper for a while.  Sometimes I feel "disembodied" when I use the computer, and feel more involved when I use pen and paper - plus with a paper journal I add notes about recipes I want to try, shopping lists, and other things that just don't translate to using eTools for journaling. 

So today I ate IDENTICAL to what I ate yesterday, but I couldn't figure out why I was out of Points by dinner tonight, but had enough left over last night not only to have a couple of snacks, but still had 2 left over.  I put the pages side by side and checked off what I "charged" for each food.  No differences there... I stared and stared.  DUH!!!!!!!!!!!  I had ADDED Points throughout the day instead of subtracting them.  Therefore, when I was down to 17 Points and ate something for 3 Points, the tally came up with 20 Points, not 14!

I caught myself before going on for days and days with this, thank heavens! lol

Miriam