What's the crime in being hungry?

As a former WW'er I had pounded into me the fact that we should ALWAYS eat before a party or going to a restaurant.  I understand the concept that you don't want to arrive anywhere famished, as you will make poor decisions, eat too fast, and ultimately overeat.  I get that.  However I was thinking back to a recent restaurant episode...  I was meeting someone after work for dinner at the Olive Garden.  Heaven forbid I walk in hungry (mind you, it was only 5PM and I had finished lunch at 1:30 and probably (although I can't remember now) had a snack in the car.  In the morning I had packed a thermos of soup to have just before going into the restaurant.  I actually parked in a different parking lot so I wouldn't be seen by my friend, and I consumed tepid soup that, despite being in a quality thermos, had leaked.  Okay - so what would have been the crime to have a bowl of soup at the restaurant before ordering (never mind that, anyway --  I had looked at the menu on line beforehand and had already decided what I was going to have)?  But because "don't arrive hungry" has so been hammered into my brain, I almost automatically did the soup thing without thinking. 

Isn't being a little hungry what appetizers, soups, and salads are for?  Of course, if we need to lose weight, it's more likely that's what bread and butter are for.  I get that.  I had gotten to the point where I wouldn't sit down to dinner in my own house if I was "starving."  And hence, would have a dinner before having dinner.  Plus, the anxiety of not wanting to overeat also led to eating before eating. 

I have noticed this madness subsiding a little bit since I've started my IE journey.  When I went to my mother's party Sunday (albeit I landed up sick because of what I ate) I didn't eat before going.  That was a biggie for me.  But mostly I noticed a shift when, last Friday, I didn't eat an entire meal before dinner.  I wasn't anxious about what I was going to choose to eat, nor the quantity.  I also wasn't anxious about weighing, measuring, and counting Points.  I wasn't worried about not weighing, measuring, and counting Points and thus "going over."  This is what I referred to a couple of posts ago about being calmer.  I think my anxiety about overeating contributed my overeating.

So it's funny to find, still new into my journey, that lessening this strangle-hold on anxiety about staying on a diet (and eating so I won't be hungry) is translating into eating less, overall.  I think this whole thing is what played into my gaining weight the more I needed to lose it.  (Which is why I said that the wedding really did serve as a catalyst for bringing the madness to a head.)

Also - what's this with eating more now so we won't be hungry later?  So what if I'm hungry later?  Do I live on the planet Krypton where I can't get something to eat?  Not only that - I have a fridge right in my office, am never far from home, and am not disabled from carrying a thermal bag with an icepack if I want to carry some fruit with me during these hot days.  I know it's not always an opportune time to eat, but what's the crime with being a little hungry?

Miriam

Feeling better

Feeling much better this morning.  I was so sick yesterday because of the processed sugar and flour (bagels, cake, ice cream).  I think I am starting to tune into how certain foods make me feel.  Actually, I think I always knew (or at least suspected) but ignored it.  However, I realize today that I totally wasted a perfectly good day and I'm not willing to do that anymore.

My daughter just got back from Europe where she had a sample photo shoot done by her photographer.  Stunning, absolutely stunning. However, it brought up feelings in me that I am not pleased with - mainly the regret and self-recrimination that I didn't just dig in my heels and diet so many months ago when I originally re-joined WW.

Hmmm.... 11:22 a.m., and I just had the pangs of hunger (a 3-4 - not starving hunger).  More specifically, I wish I had a bag of baby carrots.  What's THAT all about?  Could be as innocent as really I'm hungry, as it is almost lunch-time.  But, I suspect thinking about dieting and beating myself up for not losing weight is probably more like it.  (If I were relaxing, enjoying the ocean do you really think I would have had hunger for crunchy carrots right at THIS moment???)  This is the point, in one's IE journey that instead of reaching for the carrots (which I can't do anyway because I'm sitting in my office and I don't want to start lunch this early) one must sit with one's feelings.

I told you this is harder than dieting.  Wouldn't it be easier to run for the carrots, or hit the vending machine for some candy????

You are here in real time, folks.  This is happening as I am typing it.  I don't know what to do with this.

<<PAUSE>>

I went for my bra-fitting with my gown on Saturday... so I'm thinking how really beautiful *I* looked - not just a pretty gown on an ugly fat person...  sitting.... sitting...  I'm thinking about how it's ALL about my daughter and not so much about ME.... sitting... sitting...  I'm thinking about how I don't want to weigh and measure and count my food for the rest of my life.  I don't want to be seventy years old and still looking for a diet.... sitting... sitting....  OMG IT PASSED.....  Still hungry (bona fide, really) but without the sensation that I have to bolt out of my chair and get something to eat.

It's 90 degrees, it's almost noon sun, I don't have sunscreen with me... but I'm going for a walk. 

Miriam

sick sick sick :(

Well first of all, on an up note, yesterday was a blast. Going straight to the food part... we went to Cheesecake Factory and my sister-in-law ordered her favorite appetizer plates.  I had a little bit of everything and didn't even consider an entree or dessert, even though we would have shared it.  I found, though, that on the way home, the fried food didn't sit well with me, but not to the point of feeling sick.  I did wake up hungry today, though, as I have to say we did a ton of walking (wish I had my pedometer with me - just curious) and I didn't have that much to eat last night.

Anyway - to the sick sick sick part.... today was my mother's 96th birthday!  We had a party for her at the nursing home.  Following a bagel brunch we had cake and ice cream.  I have to say that honestly, quantity-wise, I did not overeat and probably was at a 5-6 following the lunch, maybe sliding into a 7 by the time we finished ice cream and cake.

What I wanted to write about was how sick I felt on the drive home.  Not sick from being stuffed, but sick from what the foods from that lunch did to my stomach.  We rarely have processed flour/sugar foods at home and I am certain that it was the cake and ice cream that made me sick.  (And again, I don't think it was related to quantity... I have consumed MUCH more in the past.... I always joked that frosting was my favorite food group!)  Then I was thinking to how the bit of food I had last night didn't sit well with me either.
I know that when you get old, you don't have an iron stomach like you do when you are younger.  But I also wonder how much of it is a side-effect of my IE journey.  Along with tuning out hunger and satiety, I am sure I tuned out feelings of discomfort that certain foods would cause me.  I would venture to say that I probably never noticed how cake and frosting made me feel sick because I was already moaning how sick I felt from eating too much of it.

I will be interested to see how I begin to tune into how certain foods make me feel - alongside tuning in to my hunger/satiety scale.  It's a welcome side-effect because learning what makes me not feel well will also guide me to making healthier choices that my body craves.

So meanwhile, here I sit three hours after the party, still not feeling well.  But sort of glad for it!

Miriam

What law says I need to eat a sandwich?

What I say to myself:  I am not dieting. I am enjoying life and eating healthy.  I'm sitting with that for now - and am entirely mixed.  First, I feel really calm. But I also feel really scared.  If someday I really want a burger and fries (don't know why that one meal popped into my mind) how will I ever leave any of it on my plate even if I'm already full?  I'm scared and sad.  But calm and happy.  Go figure all those emotions just from not dieting for a few days!   

So I came home for dinner the other night - late - and nothing was prepared.  (Those of you who know me... how often does that happen? lol) I had ingredients to make dinner but so wasn't in the mood to cook and I was really hungry besides.  I opened the fridge and looked through it and I did have "deli" and all of a sudden I realized I could really go for the nice Virginia shaved ham I had gotten the day before.  I started to make a sandwich and stopped.  What law says I can only have ham in a sandwich?  I didn't want a sandwich.  I got a SMALL plate (even that's new for me), took a small amount of ham, a small amount of buffalo deli chicken, 1 bag of 100 calorie chips, a few pretzels, opened a can of baked beans and took maybe 1/2 a cup, and a pickle.  VOILA!  Exactly what I wanted.  Everything that appealed to me at that moment.  Reasonable portions.  I ate slowly, savored, and did not look for food the rest of the night (I bet if I had that sandwich I would have). 

Evelyn Tribole, one of the founders of IE, says: "Unconditional permission to eat is not about choosing to overeat. It's about staying connected to the eating experience - taste, satisfaction, satiety."    The plate I made for dinner (and normally a plate like that would just be the appetizer portion of a binge) hit all three qualities: taste, satisfaction and satiety. 

I'm going into the city today and will be having dinner out.  I have no idea where we are going. No idea what I will eat.  No idea what I will be in the mood for.  I cannot remember the last time I EVER went to a restaurant without checking the nutritional information on line - or even, once, I called the restaurant (that didn't have the info on line, but did have its menu) and pretended to have some awful thing wrong with me and made them go to the corporate chef (it was a chain) and ask the portion sizes and ingredients of what looked like it might have been the lowest Points item on the menu.  They actually did, and called me back, and I figured the Points before going to the restaurant.  (That's when I had an inkling that I really needed to stop dieting, just for my sanity.)  This is such a new experience for me - go wherever, eat whatever... maybe not even finish!  Especially not finish if I'm "satisfied" - OMG maybe even only get an appetizer.  I have to tell you - this is really scary stuff.  But because I like adventures it's sort of fun too.

Miriam

Beginning a new journey - peeling the onion

I thought I would take a longer hiatus than this while I sorted things out on the path to the NEW ME part of this blog.  I also considered keeping a private journal instead of a public blog, but have been encouraged to share, as it may help other people, and that's really what this blog started as - a way to help people facing, or going through, total knee replacement.  The response was so encouraging and supportive, that it buoyed this latest decision to share.

As I had posted in earlier entries, my "dieting" has bounced around all over the place, most recently landing on the WW on-line square.  This time it didn't even take 48 hours before I knew I just couldn't diet anymore.  I think the crisis of wanting to lose weight before the wedding is what brought it all to a head ("time to pee or get off the pot") and the more I wanted to follow the diet, the less I could bring myself to do it.

Years ago I had read all about Intuitive Eating  and even "dabbled" in it.  However, I, like thousands of others who tried and failed, neglected to understand that it is NOT all about eating whatever you want, whenever you want, in whatever quantity you want.  Although the first two are correct (whatever and whenever) the key is that you MUST tune into your hunger/satiety signals and that will determine the quantity.  If you truly do mindful eating this way, you will not be in any danger of gaining weight (most people are terrified of following this path because they are afraid they will gain weight), you will achieve a healthy weight, eat like a "normal" person (don't we all dream of that?), and also reach a state of health, because as you tune into your body, you will begin to pull from healthy foods and let the junk go.  I always said it was harder than dieting (at first glance the misunderstood "free-for-all" makes it seem it will be easier) but I never really appreciated HOW hard until now.

I have had disordered eating since my childhood, and no amount of calorie counting, Points counting, weighing, measuring, stepping on the scale, chastising myself, etc. is going to straighten this out.  For me, it was hardly ever about the food.  Sometimes it is - as Dr. Phil once said, "Sometimes you just want a party in your mouth!"  But the fact that I couldn't stop after the party again showed it wasn't about the food. 

I started to journal my hunger/satiety signals (before and after eating) and was shocked that, when I actually paid attention, I started my eating at 3-4 ("Ready for a meal" to "Edge of Hunger, Snack Time") and stopped at 5-6 ("Neutral" to "Mildly satisfied - like after a snack").  I rarely got to a 2 ("Very Hungry) or stopped at a 7 ("Satisfied - like after a meal").   Prior to this type of journaling I would fall outside those parameters.  And because I didn't tune into my full (or getting full) signal, I always overate - even snacks.  And let me say here, that's where something like Weight Watchers or calorie counting can be valuable for people who just need to understand what a portion is, what a meal is, how to not eat all day long with no limits, etc.  But for someone like me, with disordered eating - I know all that - I'm a professional dieter!  I just can't stop the party.  Appetite awareness training is more valuable to me than just eating according to set guidelines. 

So here I am with a new idea, and a new resolve.  But how do I just keep it from becoming another diet with rules?  I am on an Intuitive Eating support group, and one of the members posted this (and I did ask her permission and she said it was okay to share):  ""Using a coach/therapist and nutritionist helped me to actually apply what I read in self-help books to my own situation. I've always read self-help books, but then have been so inside myself that I couldn't see the forest for the trees, plus I'd get sidetracked, and then it turned into just another good book I'd read. Having an appointment out there helped to keep me mindful of my goals on a day to day basis. It certainly didn't make for less work, but kept me doing the work, on the right path, and from becoming discouraged and giving up, because it takes a long time."

So... I have started with a registered dietitian who is trained in Intuitive Eating counseling.  I can "use" her for diet support if I like - she is a registered dietitian after all - but this is a golden opportunity to truly get rid of my disordered eating, and peel away the layers of the onion (which has already started - with quite a few jolts when I wasn't expecting it).

So, friends, now that I have passed my first year anniversary on my KNEE  I can tuck those conversations behind me, and move on to ME.

Miriam

One Year Anniversary

Had my check-up yesterday. Doctor is extremely pleased with my range of motion and all else doing with recovery. Next check-up: Two years. I told him that I am considering doing the other knee next summer- he said if I can wait that long... so the x-rays must have shown up some serious bone-on-bone business. I told him about all the walking I will be doing in Italy and it turns out his mother is Sicilian (with a name like Donald Reilly who knew?) so he/we spent about 1/2 hour on the internet looking the wedding site and he showed me how to use Google satellite to get right down on the ground of a location (who knew?) and we looked at street views of the areas we will be visiting. It was so nice that a doctor would take a personal interest like that.

Anyway - I thought you would find this interesting: I told him the two things that still have me "stymied" is that 1) when I get up from a chair I cannot just start walking - I have to sort of orient myself and 2) although I have started practicing going downstairs without a railing, I am scared every time I am at the top step looking down. There is actually a word for that: propriaceptive sense - the sensors in my knee were cut which signal to my brain the place in space where my knee is. He demonstrated by putting his arms up over and behind his head then hooking his two index fingers together. He said the reason we can do this is that internal sensory awareness - and I no longer have that in my knee. He said I will get more confident in moving, but that the nerves are permanently cut and not to think that it's something that's wrong - it is just something that, if I don't let it get in my way, I eventually may overcome. Interesting! I will also have numbness alongside the outside of my leg/knee.. forever - but that I can deal with - it's just a weird feeling when I shave my leg or go to scratch an itch.

I told him that the year's recovery is not that everything will be back to normal, but that it takes a year to come to terms with things being the way they are... he totally agreed. He said hips are different - in a year you would never know you have a replacement, but knees have a niggling awareness forever. I'm not sorry though it's a small trade for a world of pain being gone.  I said it's similar to childbirth - there would be far many more only children in this world if women actually remembered everything they went through.  He laughed and said it is exactly that!


Anyway - I am going to take a break from blog-writing for now.  Anyone visiting this blog to get insight on early recovery, please go back to my 2011 blogs - they are very informative and will let you know what to expect in your early recovery - I will check back in at various points - especially after the wedding, and as I hit other recovery markers.  And, of course, I'll let you know if I ever get the other knee done!


Take care.
Miriam

Addendum to "Anxiety Girl"

I realized something yesterday.  I think my bout with really severe anxiety is because I am not medicating myself with food as of late.  On the way home from work the other day, I was thinking how I wished I smoked (tobacco OR other) or how I could use a drink (but I really am not a drinker, plus I can’t because of medication).  Then I thought of how a piece of cheesecake would soothe me.  Then I realized that maybe there is nothing in my life that is “worse” than usual, but that because I am not drugging myself with food, my anxiety symptoms are coming to the surface in spades.  Some of it is that I used to eat myself into a “stupor” – taking my mind off everything else.  Or, I would be beating myself up for doing so, so I couldn’t think of other things – or that I deserved whatever happened to me and just accept my fate (rather than fight the things causing the anxiety).  I’m almost shaking because of the anxiety – nothing a chocolate bar wouldn’t soothe….  But alas, I will just have to sit quietly and stay in the present – since anxiety is nothing more than thinking about things in the future (that probably won’t happen anyway). And that present has to be sans cheesecake, chocolate, or anything else of that ilk….

I haven't been posting, not because anything is "wrong" with my diet, my knee, or my life - I just was so consumed by anxiety lately that I just couldn't accomplish anything outside my day-to-day "chores."  I woke up today, finally fairly anxiety-free (after a wonderful gab session with some girlfriends), only to be faced with the news that there was a very severe earthquake in Northern Italy, just a very short distance from where the wedding will be.  Since there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it, it's a good lesson in letting something go that I have no control over.  The wedding is several months away, and I don't think anyone is flying into Bologna (which was close to the center), so I know everything will carry on as planned and be just as lovely and beautiful as it would have been without a recent earthquake.  

I had a good heart-to-heart talk with three friends yesterday about my anxiety (my body is actually "buzzing" most of the time) and we came up with some solutions (and it happened to be the perfect group of ladies for this because they all are, or have been, in my place) - but one activity that I like the best is to make a list of  all the things I am anxious about.  Face them, acknowledge them, then give them a designated time during the day to sit down and worry about them.  If something else comes up in my day that sets my body abuzz, I should add that to the list.  Then, let's say, at 3:30 I take out the list, look it over, and worry as much as I want to about it.  The other 23 1/2 hours of the day, look at another list: all the GOOD things about my life and my day, in particular.  It will help keep me in the moment and to direct my mind to the good things. 

 Anyway, I was going through the anxiety list and one of my friends asked - "Do you have a big birthday coming up?"  And WHAM - I started crying.  "Yes," I answered, "I will be 60 the week after the wedding."  I hadn't even realized that was bothering me so much.  I mean I am well aware that it bothers me, but I didn't realize how close it was to the surface of all that is bothering me.  YIKES.

But meanwhile, I will not medicate with food. 

I have my one-year anniversary of my knee replacement coming up this week.  As a matter of fact, I have my appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday (at which point I am going to ask him to take baseline ex-rays of the other knees, as I am contemplating surgery - maybe as soon as next summer).  I will report more on that later in the week.  I just had to get this anxiety problem off my chest ...

Miriam